Advice Needed :(

[floralwonder]

Hi all, Im new to this forum. Just wanted to get some advice/opinions on how Im feeling really from people that dont know me.

I have been married to my husband for 4 years but we have been together much longer. We hit hard times beginning of this year and unfortunately lost our home :( My husband had lied to me several times over payments being made to the mortgage when they hadnt over the course of a few years, he works self employed so its tough finding his own work and I work part time while I look after our toddler. Anyway, to cut a long story short we lost our home after hubby tried to fight for it for the 4th time in court and this time lost. I found out 3 days before we had to vacate the property. He told me he had not known they were evicting until this point himself and thought he could save the house by going to court in which he didnt. I dont really know what to believe as I know when your already on a suspended order they can evict if you are late with a payment within a few days! Anyway, we got through this and although it was a VERY stressful time and I was also 12 weeks pregnant with our second child we got through and managed to find a private rented house nearby and are currently renting that.

However, Im now further along in my pregnancy and experiencing all sorts of feelings of resentment to him....I have tried to forgive him and I know that its not all his fault but if he had been honest with me from the beginning I would have got another job or tried to help more in anyway I could but he chose to keep it to himself as he didnt want to worry me! I thought I could forget about it all and move on with things but its still affecting me and I find myself very angry towards him.

I am now in charge of all the household outgoings but his income is so erratic and we have lots of outgoings from debt and so every month is a constant stuggle and I worry everyday about things getting paid :(

I think as Im pregnant Im worrying much more than usual but lately I have been a nervous wreck! I long for our own house and envy lots of my friends and envy that they seem to get on fine financially.

This has affected our marriage enormously but we only ever argue over money.

Because of this I find myself wondering how things could have been different if Id taken a different path years ago.....I know I sound VERY selfish and please dont judge me, I just want some advice really as I just feel so low all the time now, crying a lot and we have resorted to hubby sleeping in a different room now :(

Obviously Id never change anything as I have a beautiful child and another on the way but I just long for an easier life without constant money worries :( Can I just add that I never knew the enormity of the situation when we were trying for a baby and neither did hubby he says. We actually thought we were getting back on track with the mortgage and all was fine. I also had never received letters as it was hubbys house.

Many thanks for reading and sorry its so long.

Tough one.

Him getting an employed job would be better for all of you. Is there any chance of that? Keep the self employment as a part time job, because that's all it is at the moment.

The problem you have is that you now know you are married to a liar. It's really not good enough to say that he didn't want to worry you. Thoroughly disrespectful and patronising. As you say, if you'd know the full story, you might have made different decisions. So lying to you and keeping you in the dark was a massive breach of your trust.

Secondly, they don't repossess homes on a whim. Banks don't like it because it's a PITA and they don't get all their money back Going into arrears is a long process, borrowers are given lots of notice, lots of warnings, lots of chances and lots of options to spread payments and so forth. There will have been many letters and other communications. . So he's lying about all that.

A third thought which you don't mention but I think is significant. Do you run your house on a cash basis? Do you have bank accounts? Do you monitor those accounts and read the statements personally? Because, if the mortgage wasn't being paid, it would have shown up on your bank statements. How come you didn't notice? Do you know right this minute how much you have on deposit as a family?

It is NOT SELFISH to regret being married to a liar and resent the way you've been treated. A relationship without honesty is nothing at all. You say you don't want to change anything and I think, unfortunately, he's gambling on you doing exactly that. There is no consequence to his behaviour at the moment that is severe enough to make him change attitude.

I know I sound VERY selfish and please dont judge me, I just want some advice really as I just feel so low all the time now, crying a lot and we have resorted to hubby sleeping in a different room now

I don't blame you in the least for feeling like you have had the wind knocked out of you, does he not understand that having children changes your priorities, financial commitments are something you both need to be open and totally honest about. For your financial security I am glad you stepped up and took control.

The trouble is you'll have no cushion for emergencies which probably worries you. So you have to grit your teeth and crack on.

Take a look at Martin Lewis's website www.moneysavingexpert.com/family/

I would sit down together with all the bills, and fix a clear date once a month to update a budget. Try to write down every penny spent.

Make sure he knows that you'll open and scrutinise all bills from now on.

You obviously want to forgive him because you have stayed. So look forward. Have you been to the citizens advice to see if your remaining debts can be squished or squeezed a little?

Lying to you about not being able to pay the mortage is unforgivable.

I am not surprised you have 'growing feelings of resentment'. His lying lost you, his child and UB child their home!!
Not much practical advise sorry but don't undermine the way you feel, I think you have under-reacted.

Forgot to say Smilesandpiles has a point, if self-employment is bringing in too little income, is it time to do something else? He might look at the benefits of self-employment vs working for someone else, because when circumstances change we have to be prepared to adapt and change to suit current family needs.

Thank you for all of your replies. In answer to your question I wasn't aware it was paid late/missed a few times as we both have our own bank accounts but all the bills came out of mine with the exception of the mortgage which he took control of. Very naive I know but I love him and trusted him to ensure it was paid or if he couldn't at least consult me.

As I say, I now manage all the bills and I think that's why the worry has tripled as I am having to ensure enough money is received and on time every month. It's all on me :( he does transfer money to me when he gets it but sometimes it can be unreliable.

I think the answer here is yes to get an employed job as suggested. Think we will have to have a chat about that but if things don't improve I'll have to rethink as i hate carrying around all this resentment but I do love him still. I'd go back to work full time but obviously I'm in no position with my employer at the moment to increase hours.

"i hate carrying around all this resentment but I do love him still"

You're letting him off very lightly. Aside from lumping you with all the financial management, what is he actually doing to mend the trust he shattered and make amends? What is he doing to improve the family's prospects? What is he doing to take some of the burden of worry off you? Has he taken any real responsibility for lying, deceiving & having the family literally thrown out on the street beyond 'I didn't want to worry you'?