Sex help

[Loomineer]

Sorry folks probably tmi.

I need some help regarding sex. I was abused as a child and when I became sexually active at sixteen I went on to have a few partners that all seemed to want wham bam thank you ma'am kind of sex. My ex husband of eight years had problems with premature ejaculation so it was never a great sex life.

My DP thinks our sex life is great. For him. But he thinks I want rough sex which is probably the impression I have given him. But I don't at all. It's just the only kind I've ever known. I am confident with that kind of sex.

The slow intimate kind I get very self conscious. I don't really know what to do as such and get paranoid that I'm not doing it for him. Does that make any kind of sense

Basically I'd love to enjoy slow sex but I think I'm a bit crap at it. What can I do.

Can I also add that the times we do have gentle slow sex I end up crying afterward. I can't explain why. I am guessing it's all tied up in the abuse and I was also raped when I was eighteen. I woke up to find a man having sex with me. I didn't know what to do so ended up pretending to be asleep until he was done and left the room.

Some people who haven't had your experiences cry after sex, particularly if they've enjoyed it.

You might try talking about it with your partner. Do you get along well, generally? If so, over a meal, in a public place, tell him what you'd like and see what happens.

If you tell him you're not keen on rough sex, do frame it that you might have misled him into thinking you like it, rather than letting him think you're saying 'oh, you're no good at it, do this instead'.

Have you had counselling to help you deal with the abuse and rape? If not, that would be a good thing to do, just for your peace of mind.

Does he know about your experiences? If he doesn't, think carefully before telling him. Its possible that rough sex is what he likes, and that your history would feed his fantasies.

I think you should definitely start by talking to your DP openly and honestly, correcting any wrong impressions and telling him what it is you actually want. If he's a considerate and caring person he will be horrified that he's been getting it so badly wrong for so long. If he isn't considerate and caring and if he wants to carry on the same way, then consider ending the relationship. As serious as that.

'Slow sex' - good sex - is about trust and communication. Imagine a situation where your partner was blindfolded and you had to guide them through an obstacle course using just spoken instructions. For him to get successfully to the other side he would need to completely trust you, keep checking he was going the right way, and you would have to be very clear about where you wanted him to go. Slow sex is like that....

I agree with the PP that you probably need counselling. Reason being that to fully trust someone and feel confident enough to direct them sexually it requires a combination of control and vulnerability. If you have been violated sexually in the past, those two things will have been damaged and you'll need help to repair them

My DP doesn't initiate rougher sex. We start off slow and I start getting worried so revert back to my comfort zone as such. I guess that would make him feel like he doesn't make me happy unless it's that way.

I have never spoken to any partner about how I feel in regard to the bedroom. But I will talk to him. The fact that he is basically saying he'd like to have slow sex is a first with me. Previous partners have never bothered.

I've had counselling. Four sessions after a breakdown. My family and my abuse was the main subject but no one knows in my real life that I was raped. With my abuse I tried to stop it. With the rape I didn't. I didn't want it to happen and adopted the lie still and don't fight because I was scared. But I'm ashamed I didn't do anything. Also with my abuse I did stand up for myself but no one believed me and is the reason my family and I don't speak today. I probably do need more counselling but I can't afford it.

There are places you can get help. The Rape Crisis charity, for example, or you can present to your GP and ask to be referred. There is a very high awareness at the moment about sexual abuse, rape and the psychological long-lasting impact on victims.

Sadly, it is very common for victims of childhood abuse to have either not been believed at the time or for them to feel they couldn't speak up. It is also extremely common for rape victims to do exactly as you did out of self-preservation and fear. People like Rape Crisis will tell you that your reaction was quite normal

I think the others have given some good advice.

I would add as a simple step have you tried using slow, sexy or romantic music as a background? It's hard to have fast, rough sexy to slow, moving music, think RnB.

As the others said, communication is so important and good for your relationship all round not just in the bedroom. Take care.

Well you're half way there already if your DP has asked / hinted at desiring slow sex with you, so talk to him.

Or if you can't talk to him, just go with the slow flow next time you're intimate and don't revert back to the hard and fast route. Let him take the lead and lie back and relax so to speak.

And it's perfectly normal to feel emotional after slow sex, especially if it's sensual, loving and been enjoyable. I think it's the closeness and intimacy it brings and change in hormones.

Enjoy