New partner still friends with person they had affair with and I feel insecure

[InsecureAffair]

Have name changed so as easily identifiable and could have repercussions for third parties.

So - in a nutshell - I'm in a new relationship (3 months), with another woman (I've dated men and women in the past, but now identify mostly as gay). Having a really nice time, all going really well, lots in common, same goals etc.

However - an issue has recently come up and I don't know how to handle it. Last year my girlfriend had an affair with her male, married boss (she's also dated both men and women in the past but similarly now identifies as gay). The affair lasted around 6 months, he wanted to leave his wife for her, she said no, the affair ended and they continue to work together (though in different locations) and remain "friends". This wasn't a particular issue for me (I'm no angel, though do draw the line at affairs) as everyone has stuff that's happened in the past that in retrospect, wasn't the greatest idea.

Unfortunately, last week, the wife found out about the affair (I don't know the details. Don't know if the man told the wife, I suspect he did). We were on holiday together last week, having a lovely time, when, on the last night of the holiday she gets a text from him, telling her not to check Facebook or LinkedIn and that his wife knows and sorry if he's buggering up her holiday. She told me about the text and the situation. She says she wants to be honest, that she really cares about me and doesn't want to hide things. I feel that the information is something I could have done without, that it makes me feel insecure and serves no purpose. I also think that he is jealous of me, stirring and somehow dragging me into all of this.

The wife then tried to add my girlfriend as a Facebook friend (presumably to rant). Girlfriend obviously rejected request. She is still in touch daily with her ex-lover (he's her boss, so I suppose she can't really ignore him). She is hopefully moving jobs to a new firm soon (well, in the Autumn), so that's a help, BUT, I'm feeling horribly insecure. Girlfriend is very sweet, very nice and never wants to hurt anyone. She feels sorry for her boss and thinks he needs friends. I think her boss sounds like a manipulative twat (he's 20 years older than her, has three children) and I wish she'd cut contact.

I don't really know what to do. I don't want to walk away. But I don't want to feel insecure and under threat from this guy, even though I know they're not together anymore, he clearly still has feelings for her. I can hardly start issuing ultimatums at this stage of a relationship. I don't want to be possessive. But having had such a blissful three months, I really don't know how to deal with this.

Apologies for essay - any advice welcome please.

I don't understand why this would affect her linked in or fb account unless she is friends or linked with his wife. It seems not from her saying she just had a friend request on fb, so he obviously called for another reason.

They just have been pretty close for him to get to the point of leaving his wife. How long before finishing with him did she hook up with you?

And, 3 months! And you're both going very fast in your new relationship. She seems to have done this intensity with her affair to make him want to leave after 6 months. I see a pattern. Did you know her before you became lovers?

You do seem to believe every word she says without question. You're still blinded with lust, perhaps? And need to step back and get to know her as a person in day to day life, because holidays, meeting parents etc etc- usually happens after a good while, when you know someone better. Its all so romantic and rushed off your feet!

Agree with those questioning your assessment of this woman in her thirties as 'sweet and naive'- she had a six month affair and then when he wanted to leave his wife for her she 'jumped ship'?

Blimey. I would watch out - she sounds quite manipulative. Is she just pretending this guy has no feelings for her now?

FB/Linked In are fair points, which is why I think he was contacting her to be manipulative, knowing she was on holiday, rather than for any genuine altruistic reasons. You can't randomly post abusive messages on someone's FB or Linked In page if you're not connected to them in some way.

I think it's been around a year since the affair ended, so would have been at least six months if not more before we met.

I appreciate my judgment seems totally skewed and I appear to be wearing rose-tinted spectacles. It's possible, I concede, but she's been described by several people that I know, who know her, as "too nice". I get the feeling more that she finds herself in situations, rather than engineers them, and doesn't want to upset or hurt anyone at any point. Again, I may be wrong and she may be wonderfully manipulative, but I sense it's more naivety.

Oh well, am going to set out what I'm thinking when I see her later. Will see where it leads.

Too nice so she has an affair with a married man. That does sound very suspect. Not sure I'd trust this person an inch. But you have to go with your own thoughts and feelings. But don't be naive and too trusting.

So, when she "jumps ship" from you, it will be because she "just finds herself in that situation"

Get real. It's perfectly reasonable (and very sane behaviour) to judge people on their actions.

Well, if the guy is going to work on his marriage then surely he will cut contact with your DP, so no problem with him again?!

I would wonder how she'd react when the next sad case comes onto her, I guess it depends how she views the whole fiasco and her role in it...Hopefully, she's developed some self-awareness...

I wouldn't get into a relationship with someone who had had an affair.

There really is no excuse. She isn't trustworthy. Full stop.

Well it sounds like the MM's wife is an absolute cow. Some people are horrible and it's unsurprising that bullied partners have affairs as a way of exiting an abusive relationship.

It does sound like your new girlfriend has a complicated life, though, OP. Ony you can decide if you like her enough to want to put up with aggravations from a vengeful XW and a clingy man.

Solid I think you posted on the wrong thread

Hi op. Did you say that your dp told you about the affair just before you went on holiday? Not sure if that is what I read and can't find it again so forgive me if I got it wrong. If she did, it's possible that she told you because she knew it was all about to blow up. How long ago did you decide to take a holiday together? Whose idea? It does seem convenient somehow that you were away when the shit hit the fan. I am very cynical I know but I have met my fair share of "sweeties"

In your OP you said you drew the line at affairs but a few posts in you say you had an affair.

Ultimatums are pointless unless you are prepared to follow through.

It all sounds immature and dramatic tbh.

I've known about the affair for a couple of months. It came up as part of the general exes/relationship chat that you have in the early days of a relationship.

I suppose I'm pissed off that the fall out from the affair is affecting me. I'm annoyed that the married man knew anything about me and knew we were on holiday together. I don't see why she would discuss me with him. Frankly I don't see why she's friends with him.

So are you going to do anything about it?

Hang on.

You had an affair with a MW and still friends with her, your GF had an affair with a MM and she's still friends with him.

What is the difference? You draw the line at affairs, but obviously you dont.

Hypocritical much!!