just wondering...when children become adults

[justwonderin]

I have a dear friend of many years.
she was always thoughtful, kind and loving.
we had many happy times full of laughter , both families together.

she was/is petite, attractive, with many dear friends of long standing.

she has 3 ds, now adult, over 6'tall, plus 1dd-adult.

now, this is my confusion.

since her dc, mainly the sons, have become adults, she has changed dramatically.

when surrounded by her ds's she has become confrontational, loud, and to be honest a bit of a bully.

it's like her 3ds's have become her "minders" and she is the top dog.
don't know if I am explaining myself very well, but I find her quite intimidating and well to be honest, not a very kind person any more.

as I said earlier, I know we all "grow" and change during our lives, but she isn't the same person by any means.

just wondering, as she is petite, is the fact that she is surrounded by 6footers turning her into this unkind bully.

odd thought I know, but recently she verbally attacked another dear friend, who was reduced to tears.

I don't think it's possible to turn a fundamentally kind person into a bully. I think the tendency has to be there in the first place. Maybe, emboldened by her DSs, she feels able to say the things she never had the guts to say previously? Maybe her DSs are bullies and she wants to be part of their gang?

Hope you told her she was way out of line attacking the other friend!

yes, I agree,
perhaps she didn't feel she had the "power" when her children were young -if ever-.
looking back over the years, she would sort of "whisper" comments, which I would laugh off.

knowing her dc from birth, I don't feel they are actually bullies, but as they are so tall, and she petite, maybe she feels stronger.

shamefully, I didn't say anything when the other friend related the incident to me.
in fact, I believe I am reluctant to confront her at all, as her verbal assaults are becoming worse.
recently, she was rude to me, but when I replied, she said she was only joking.

I remember her father behaving in a similar way, rude, scathing unpleasant, and remember thinking how different she was to him.

but maybe, just maybe, genetically she is the same, but until she had her backup via her adult dc, she kept it hidden.

I feel that after almost a lifetime of friendship, I want to distance myself from her.

Think you've answered your own question. She's the product of a home where rude, unpleasant behaviour was the norm, she's got form for being bitchy and now she's off on some 'Violet Kray' wish fulfilment trip :)

Sadly, you've only got two choices... reject the bully or face the bully down.

I see. It's always been there then. Distancing yourself sounds like a good plan then.

Some kind of leader of the pack, top dog mentality?

What was her DCs' father like, is she with him? Maybe consciously or not she picked someone who resembled her dad.

I'll admit I like to think of myself as sunny-natured but we all have off days and I'd be lying if I said I never get cranky. No excuse for treating people badly though.

If you think it's gone past the point of no return you don't have to have a big confrontational scene just drop her.

interesting question,
her dc's father was/is a rather antisocial controller.
we all kept away from him as much as possible.
very rude and patronising, though at the time we didn't react really, as we were young ourselves then.
maybe that was why she came across as sweet and kind, as a sort of protection?
I don't know