I was doing so well.....

[newme2014]

Not sure how to get through the next wee while without cracking up.....
I have been no-contact with my parents and brother for 2 and a bit years, my husband had a call from anther family member last week to say my father had died that day.
Had to tell both my older children that day as it would have been all over other family members FB pages no doubt.
Felt totally numb and don't know exactly how i am feeling now. Have been going for counselling since February which has helped so much.. was going for other reasons but has helped with issues from childhood etc too.
My son would like me to go and see my mum and make up/move on? Initially considered it as a possibility but after talking to my husband it's not something i want to do and it's not something i think they want either.
There as no call to us to say he'd died and no communication from them at all. There has been no contact from them with any of our children for the past 2+ years so I have no reason to believe they want to resume contact.
The funeral will be arranged soon and I don't know what to do.... I would like to go to support my sons but I am worried my brother may kick off?
Stomach churning stuff and I am so angry at myself for feeling so bad and not coping. Although we were no contact he was still my dad i guess.....
Not expecting replies as i realise this is a messy ramble. Why did this have to happen now when i was starting to feel okish???

Very sorry to read your news. I think a death often does throw up old feelings and is difficult to deal with when you've gone NC. Do you post on the Stately Homes threads for people with toxic parents? You will find many like-minded souls there who have been through what you're going through.

Do your sons want to go to the funeral? I'm afraid I don't think they have any say in your relationship with your mother. If they do, could a friend take them and then whisk them away at the first sign of trouble?

Thanks tribpot no I haven't posted but I may have a look over there My eldest son visited my mum and brother on Monday and has come home saying there's 2 sides to every story etc... I can only imagine what she's said to him. They would be delighted to have the boys at the funeral so that's not an issue.
I am worried that my eldest will forever resent me If i don't attend the funeral at least. I would only be going to support the boys.
There were very good reasons for going no-contact. Obviously the relationship was different for the kids than the one I had with them and i have never ever expected them not to see their grandparents but there has been no effort from the to see the children since no-contact began.

"There were very good reasons for going no-contact"

Do your DCs know the good reasons?

Cogito yes some of them. My dad was physically abusive on occasion and they both favoured my brother massively and that carried onto the grandchildren once we both had our families. Things have been better for me since i decided to just 'be me'? I didn't make the decision to go no-contact. They did that by ignoring me at family functions and withdrawing from us, refused to attend a family wedding because i was a bridesmaid etc.
Just not sure i want to go backwards.

Then pull rank on your DCs. There are times in life when you can bobble along letting others have relationships with people who have harmed you and there are times when you have to demand their loyalty and force them to choose.

My mum was NC with her mum and brother for years. I kept in touch with all of them with my mums blessing. They weren't invited to my wedding but my cousins were (with the knowledge and agreement of both sides) and the same happened with my cousins weddings.

My parents were on holiday when I got the call from my cousin to say our nan was close to death. I contacted my dad to let him know which he was glad I did.

They were still on holiday when the funeral took place. My mum and dad spoke about it and my dad offered to come home but my mum refused. I went to the funeral and was warmly greeted by all the family. Got a few comments from some of the neighbours and my cousins backed me up.

I also got told by some of the family that they totally understood why my mum wasn't there. She said later that even if they had been in the country she wouldn't have gone. She had said her goodbyes in her own way years ago.

I think you are right not to go if it makes you happier. Your sons are also right to go if they wish to do so. We have to deal with situations in our own way and no one should force you into a position you are uncomfortable with.

I know you are right Cogito I suppose the shock of hearing he'd died made the water a bit muddy... Having had time to think about it all has helped. I will need to speak to him. I won't ask him to choose because I want him to make his own decision and I hope he comes to realise who has been there for him and who dropped him like a hot tattie 2+ years ago!!
Thank you for offering some clarity ladies. Much appreciated!!!!

Don't go to the funeral.

If your son wants to let him.

Unfortunately I think it is going to get shitty if they are telling him enough stuff for him to be saying to you there are two sides.

All you can do is remind him you love him and not get drawn into whatever they start.

Sorry to hear about your situation, You have my sympathy. However, pls don't ask your children to choose and take sides, it's not fair.

I am also NC with my toxic parents (my sister is also NC with them) due to their falling out with my gran (who we are v close to) and demanding that we stop contact with her and 'show loyalty' to our parents. We refused to do so as we love our gran v much, it doesn't mean that we don't love our parents tho, but they fail to see this and haven't spoken to us for years due to our 'disloyalty'.

The reasons that they, my parents and gran, have fallen out we (sister and me) feel don't warrant us also falling out with our gran; having said that if she (our gran) had done something terrible to our parents then we would have made our own decision and stopped contact with her.

As it happens our parents are childish, selfish, drama seeking narcs and our gran, tho not perfect (who is) has been a damn better role model than either of our dreadful parents.

I can't see us ever making things good again and dread being where you are now. The very best of luck to you, you sound v sensible.

My Father died a couple of years ago. We were NC due to him being consistently violent over the years. All I can say is it has to be your choice. 2 of my Dsis and I went and the other siblings did not. I wanted closure, personally. My DM's side of the family was angry with me but I calmly explained that I wanted closure and that I wasn't looking for their consent or approval.

What I'm basically saying is don't let what anyone else (including your mother and brother) influence your decision. You can sit at the back and leave as soon as its over if you wish. Your DSs will make their own mind up.

None of us regret out decisions to either go or not because we chose for ourselves.

I am so angry at myself for feeling so bad and not coping.

Please don't. Numbness, anger, distress, upset - you feel what you feel.

Your eldest would like you to patch things up.

There are indeed two sides to every story - but this is your story not his.

Ordinarily, reconciliation after a row or injustice isn't likely unless you are willing to forgive and the other person apologises and makes it up to you.

If you want to support your boys at the funeral then go. By turning up you will make the first move. If there is no sign of any reciprocation then you can go home knowing you did what you set out to do.

Your DS may be optimistic that things can get better but you must do what's right for you.

Thank you all I would never ask him to choose as I was put in exactly that position so I know how awful it is. Yes he would love it all to be made up and for everyone to move on.
I'm not sure that even if she/they apologised whether or not i'd really want to go back to having a relationship?
If i was the only one she'd done this to i'd maybe be willing to meet halfway but i'm just one of a few who are in my situation.
I'm waiting till he brings the conversation up and will talk to him then. I've found out the funeral is on Monday (on the dreaded FB no less) but nobody has actually told me officially so unless someone does there is no decision to be made anyway. Thanks again..... sometimes i just need to hear that it's ok to be feeling the way i feel and that i'm not being completely unreasonable!!!