Lack of intimacy in marriage

[dreamsicle]

I must be doing something wrong but cannot see what to do to turn my situation a around. Please help me with some wise advice if you have any ideas from own experience of life and marriage.

My situation: Married for 5 years, known each other for a while before we were married, he was desperately in love with me and really chased after me for a while before we got together. We had some sex issues on his part early into the relationship that we managed to overcome. We then got married and had 2 DC with 2 yrs difference between them. He has never had a big sex drive but as things got very stressful after the birth of our first DC our sex life also suffered. I then moved away for work reasons for a year, part of me wondering if things would ever get better enough between is to return, part of me wanting to give my first DC a really good family life and a sibling. He tried quite hard to convince me to move back even without a secure job. When DC 2 was conceived we decided I should move back to be together as a family but the sex life remained poor as husband found pregnancy offputting, though he never said that in so many words....

Since DC 2 was born 18 months ago things with sex and intimacy have never been worse between us. The first few months I was totally engaged with the newborn and jealousy issues of DC1 against baby, whilst maintaining a demanding full time job. The rest of the time DH is always busy with his work and always tired. I think we had sex 3 times in last 2 years.... We now almost never hug, kiss or cuddle, or even touch in bed. I have brought it up him many times. I don't think his sex drive is that low and admittedly even if it was the intimacy could still be there. It seems to me his is disinterested in me as his wife. I explained to him many times that if this is the case I would appreciate it if he told me and we could both move on. He always comes out with the excuse of 'why is it always my fault that our sex life is bad, what do you do about this etc....?'. As the kids are still very young we often have one or two of them coming to our bed in the night. It is often not easy to get in the frame of mind for sex to happen. But I am sure other couples have the same and still manage to have a good intimate relationship. I told him already I wouldn't be happy to have such inexistent sex life and lack of intimacy till I die abut nothing has changed.

Currently we are on holiday with the kids and some friends and although he is more relaxed and rested there is no evidence of him trying to get this opportunity to get closer to me again. I must be doing something wrong as I try to get him to hug and touch me but he thinks this is a joke not something i really need.

I obviously don't deserve anything better than that.... I am seriously thinking of the D word however he is not bad on most other fronts and we are on the same wavelength on most other issues. It would seem like a hugely drastic measure to ask for a divorce, but at the same time how can I live a life parallel to someone for the rest of my life? This is not a marriage, it's a partnership and he is failing to even notice. I am 36, if we didn't have kids this situation would not be, I would have left a while ago....

Has anyone ever been in similar situations and what was the outcome? What would you advise me to do? Sorry about long post.

Sorry to hear that you're feeling neglected and unloved. It's soul destroying (voice of experience).

You said you'd had problems with sex on his part early in the relationship. Tell me more about this? What's his relationship history? Does he masturbate or use porn? Is he affectionate with friends and family?

Is there any chance he's gay? I've been out with a gay-in-the-closet before and he was very cold a lot of the time - froze me out several times and made me wonder what I'd done wrong. It was quite a relief to discover that he was gay (although not so much from the odd "friend" who suggested I had "turned him gay" - yeah thanks for the ignorant attempts to put me down )

If there's no chance of that, then it could just be that he doesn't fancy you. But then he would still be happy to cuddle you if he loved you, unless you assume that every cuddle means he's changed his mind and IS up for sex after all.

He could also have depression himself; or be deficient in certain nutrients (zinc is one option, vitamin D is another and there are others - google brings it up quite quickly for you)

I don't think you can really stay in this relationship if your need for affection is so much higher than his ability to give it - and I don't think it's down to you solely to find a way around it. Have an in-depth chat with him, explain to him that if, between you, you can't sort it out, then you will leave him.

From what you describe, your relationship has very rocky foundations and has never been very good. He chases, he persuades and then, once you're safely secured, he leaves you to twist in the wind. Correct me if I'm wrong, but it appears to have staggered on against your better judgement, mostly motivated by your need for children rather than anything more substantial. Putting it very bluntly, now you have the DCs, you're able to stand back and assess the man that, if nothing changes, you're destined to spend the next 30 or 40 years with. No-one sounds happy with the arrangement and I really wouldn't like to be a DC growing up in that atmosphere. 'The D word' seems to be long overdue.

Thanks everyone for replies. Yes I do sometimes think he could be depressed and he has been in the past on antidepressants but it was also exacerbated by a situation where he failed various important exams.

Fast forward now he does go through phases of feeling stressed, down and talking about being ugly/overweight and needing to loose weight. I try to be supportive but to change things I think he has to want to help himself first. I am not getting the vibe he really wants to change things. I wish it was 'just that' as it's something we could maybe get help on. However I do worry that he doesn't fancy or see me romantically any more and that it will continue like this forever as he is quite a passive person and not really one to want to rock the boat. He is settled as things are really. Of course I look at it as a time bomb and I am not at all happy about his lack of interest in the relationship.

Being gay? It honestly never crossed my mind but nothing surprises me anymore in this life. Again that would be an 'easy one' to deal with as the solution would be to split up. What I find difficult is this constant chasing of our tales to stay on top of all family/ house/ work responsibilities that it becomes impossible to know if the tiny amount of energy/time left to us at the end is enough to keep our husband/wife relationship alive.

He can be affectionate with friends and family but he often doesn't hither much. He is a laid back type of guy who is not too concerned if others view him as more of a mucho guy. He is well loved by friends and relatives and always goes out if his way to help. He had various relationships before me and some exes who I happened to meet seemed quite nice people. Never had sex problem before me, it was more of a first encounter stress that brought his problem on and this has been overcome. I am sure he watches porn every now and then and also masturbates to it but so what? Sure a lot of men and women do that. Not sure this can be linked.

Hmm, his lack of being bothered sounds a little like laziness to me! although equally it could be fear of failure (one of those bizarre little things in life where some people won't even try in case they fail, because then they can blame it on lack of effort, rather than trying their hardest and still failing because then it's their actual lack of ability that's to blame).

He needs to do something. If he's overweight etc. then he needs to DO something about it to help his feelings - join a gym, join a sport club, do some exercise. The oxygenation he gets from it will help with the depressive feelings too. If he exercises, it might increase his hormone levels too. He needs to eat more mindfully - and it might be worth sticking him on a multivitamin, and definitely some vitamin D3 as it's possible that he might just be low in that!

But as you say, he needs to want to do something about it - and you need to decide whether giving him an ultimatum is something you want to do. But of course if you do issue an ultimatum, give it a timeframe but you have to be prepared to follow through.

I think he is a more extreme version of my husband actually. My husband wasn't exactly excited about my pregnant body. Sexual issues from his past. He didn't help with the babies so I resented him, compacting the issues. I think, since you said he is quite laid back, maybe he doesn't want to initiate sex and wants you to do everything. This is where my husband is. "too shy" is what he says, but it really makes me feel so unwanted. He doesn't approach me in a romantic way. Either I initiate and get nothing out if the experience or he constantly rolls his eyes until I get the hint. I am so unsatisfied. I think divorce is our answer. Im so afraid to take the leap. I love him like you love yours. He isn't a bad guy; he's just not my best match. How could I leave him

We had some sex issues on his part early into the relationship… He has never had a big sex drive… I think we had sex 3 times in last 2 years.... We now almost never hug, kiss or cuddle, or even touch in bed… It seems to me his is disinterested in me as his wife… I wouldn't be happy to have such inexistent sex life and lack of intimacy till I die…I would appreciate it if he told me and we could both move on

Thoughts:
He's gay
He has a long-term other woman/family
He doesn't want more from you
Why wait for him to 'tell you'? Move on.

There is a danger that if something doesn't change here you will find yourself drawn to someone else who does love you that way which will result in a much messier situation than you are currently in.

I think he's happy with the current situation and will never change.

The whole relationship sounds odd from the word go, not just of late.

You had a baby, then moved away for a year for work reasons, then conceived a second baby and THEN moved back home????

Based on the fact that you've been married 5 years, your youngest is 18 months old and your eldest three-and-a-half years old, that means that within the first two years of your marriage you were living separately from your husband. Who was looking after the firstborn? You or him? How often did you actually see each other? I would find it hard to maintain any sort of intimate relationship if my partner wasn't physically living with me so soon after getting married for that long a period of time.

Seems a very odd dynamic in a relatively early part of a marriage and I don't understand why you'd bring another baby into such an unusual situation.

I think the best thing for everyone would be the D word.