Crossing a physical boundary

[bungabunga1]

I'm not sure if this is the place to discuss this, if not I apologise. I've tried searching around the net for advice but didn't really find anything relevant. I know this is a popular place and maybe someone may help me figure out my issue even though I'm a chap. I don't really have anyone else to discuss it with.

Cutting to the chase, I really really struggle making or initiating any physical contact with women.

The only time I'm physical (in a nice way) is when I'm either drunk or its initiated by someone else. Don't get me wrong I adore physical contact and once the barrier is crossed I don't really have any other problems, Not that I know about anyway. Its just that first part. I honestly feel its so wrong, unwanted, awkward and totally alien. I fear that this is something I can never get past.

There are times when I should make a physical move, I can sense it and I don't and it eats me up inside.

Any advice? Is there anything I can g and read or something?

Thanks

I don't understand what you are saying op, you seem to contradict yourself here. you say at first you're shy then its ok, isn't that the same for everyone? if you don't feel comfortable making an initial move then don't until you do feel comfortable?

Sorry, I can see how it comes across. I wish it were just about being a bit shy, I could probably handle that.

Crossing another persons physical boundary feels completely wrong for some reason, I feel its a bad thing, even though deep down I know that isn't the case.

A bad thing for whom? You or the other person? It can't be very nice for the other person to feel rejected, so perhaps if you focussed more on the other person's feelings, you might find it less of an insurmountable barrier. Perhaps you also need to find that one special person and it will feel right and come naturally when you do bite the bullet.

I'm confused as to how you find yourself in these situations. Are you leading people on then turning them down at the last minute? If so, that's very unfair.

Could you ask? That's fine. If the other person is happy, they can let you know.

I'm slightly worried about your username in this context.

A bad thing for the other person, I automatically assume its unwanted.

I do apologise, this is a very difficult thing for me to verbalize and I feel very awkward doing so.

The situations are more along the line of me being out and about, seeing a girl, breaking the ice, having a chat ect ect, then it gets to a stage where a friendly crossing of the physical boundary would be the next logical step, but that's where the barrier comes down. It just gets worse from there. Even if she makes a friendly physical gesture like putting a hand on my shoulder or something I freeze up inside, I'm scared to reciprocate and dread it being misinterpreted as being creepy or something.

I will also add that I don't have physical contact with my family, we don't touch and don't even verbally discuss emotion, I'm sure that doesn't help.

Ha, the username was going to be something else but it was taken and this popped into my head and made me chuckle, daft sense of humor. Silvio certainly wouldn't have my issues.

That sounds pretty entrenched, if you can't get over it even when the woman initiates the physical contact. If someone is touching you, flirting and so on and you 'freeze' even though you are happy with the contact, maybe you need to talk it over with a counselor. Nothing like abuse in your past, is there?

I suspect that when the right person comes along it will click into place.

If not, then I'd say counsellor too. It's hard to be 'kissy cuddly' when your family aren't and there are some pretty deep issues there about being unwanted attention.

'Crossing a physical boundary' is quite a formal way of putting it when what you're really talking about would be something very simple such as holding hands or sharing a kiss. You say your family are not demonstrative and don't talk about emotions. Does your formal language mean it goes further than that? Have you been raised to think that sex is shameful or unpleasant in any way? Growing up, where did you get your information from about sex?... School? Movies? The internet? Mates?

Counselling might help you get past your self-consciousness - which I suspect is at the heart of this - and give you some techniques to be more confident with intimacy. In the meantime, if your main fear is being misinterpreted as creepy, then my suggestion is 'talk'. It's perfectly OK, very courteous and not creepy at all to ask a woman 'can I kiss you?'

Not sure if the OP is still reading this thread, but I found it telling that when he responded, he still only talked about himself ie what he felt and thought, and made no mention of what women might feel, want and think, other than in how they related to his thoughts and feelings.

If its been going on for a long time, I'm surprised you haven't sought some sort of counselling, even CBT might help.

You could try to compare yourself to other men and even copy what they do.

You describe it as a "physical barrier" and its as if you are using it as a barrier to stop you having to make the effort of dealing with issues of physical intimacy. Are you sure you are straight? Most men I guess would have a biological urge which takes them past such a barrier, or the motivation to "make" themselves do so even if they are nervous.

You also talk about women in multiple, but you don't seem to have any emotional intimacy with any of those that you describe, which, for many people is essential for physical intimacy. Have you tried dating someone for a reasonably long time, building up to it so that you both feel comfortable and you are sure any move by you is reciprocated? If women think you are dating lots of people, it could put them off, or equally they might think you don't fancy them if you don't make a move or back off if they try to.

If none of the above applies, you might just have to "go for it". You could, as suggested, say "Can I kiss you?". Everyone risks rejection anyway, although it sounds like you are the one doing the rejecting!

It feels wrong because you have been taught it's wrong. Only way to get past that is relearn. It will feel uncomfortable until you keep doing it and learn it's okay. What's the worst that can happen in your mind OP. Has something happened before where you touched someone in a friendly way but they reacted badly.