Are arguments affecting my Son?

[StarsforAngels]

So.. My husband and I seem to be forever arguing at the moment. I don't really want to go over the details but I am worried how it could be affecting out Son. My husband has confessed that he feels like he is wakllking on egg shells - I hate this though so it just makes things worse in terms of the argueing. A lot of this is prob due to our different opinions on arguing - he hates it where as I see it as a healthy and essential part to a relationship.

Does/did anyone else experience this and it not affecting their children?! I just feel guilty for the arguments but then resentful so it fuels more arguments!

For info our Son is 11 months old - please tell me I am not ruining my Sons life. We are loving parents and I always try to make sure he sees us together after an argument.

Umm....I'm not saying you're 'ruining your son's life' but is definitely not great to be brought up in a house with two people who argue all the time.

A loving r/ship between two people who sometimes disagree is one thing. Having two parents constantly rowing/sniping/sulking/storming off, then pretending afterwards that everything is simply peachy is another.

It sounds like you and your DP need to either sort out some issues, or develop a more productive way of handling your 'different opinions'.

It is not good that your husband feels like he is 'walking on eggshells' around you. That is a sign of a very damaged relationship and suggests you are being emotionally abusive to him.

Arguing cannot be healthy when one person hates it and finds it distressing. You can disagree and discuss stuff without anger.

Children hate their parents arguing. If it is happening a lot then yes, it's damaging and reconciling afterwards won't change that.

Disagreements are part and parcel of all relationships but I don't think arguing is healthy or essential. I think you and your DH need to identify other ways of resolving disagreements as the arguments will have an impact on your DS, IMHO. I know my DS (6m) reacts to raised voices etc (cries/looks upset).

Thanks. Personally I think argueing can be really constructive. My parents would spend ages argueing (they are still very much married!) I just feel so much pressure from my husband to play the 'perfect family' which is fine if it is what you have but we don't!

Wow thanks for your errrrm support

I think your DS is more likely to be upset by the arguments than to register that you are 'together' after an argument, too.

You're not ruining your sons life but growing up in a household with constant arguments is not ideal.

It is healthy to argue sometimes-as long as the arguments are productive, clear the air and leave both parties feeling that the issue has been resolved.

It is not healthy to argue constantly and it is clear from your OP that you both find arguing upsetting. Have you considered Relate? Might help you to sort out your issues without recourse to arguments.

There's nothing constructive about it if it's upsetting your dh though, as barbarianmum said...

If your husband has said he feels like he's walking in eggshells, has told you he doesn't like the arguing but you are dismissing his feelings as you believe yore right I would have to agree that you are abusing him somewhat.

It's not nice to be around people who are angry with each other.. It sucks and your baby doesn't have a choice in the matter.

*you're

Your parents argued all the time, so you feel this is normal. Your DP's parents either didn't or, if they did, he found it very distressing. Either way, this 'arguing as the only way of solving issues' thing is already causing him further distress, and is unlikely to be brilliant for your DS either.

It's not working. Find another way.

No one has a 'perfect' family. But there should be other (more constructive) ways of discussing disagreements than shouting.

Do you need to argue? I'm assuming that arguing involves raised voices, or something so that an 11 month old might notice. Can these issues not be resolved by just talking?

I'm not sure that arguing is key to a happy relationship. I'm not imagining that I don't argue with my husband, but we would both prefer to discuss disagreements rather than 'argue'.

Your son might grow up thinking that this is normal, or he might be distressed by it while it's going on - it depends how vehemently you argue I guess.

Agreeing largely with others above. Disagreements are normal and I think DCs benefit from seeing adults modelling constructive ways to resolve disagreements successfully within a loving relationship. They learn something useful from that. What they really don't benefit from is bad-tempered behaviour such as shouting, door-slamming, sulking etc and where the disagreements are hashed up time and again about the chronically petty. That type of atmosphere, I think, is very stressful even for a baby and it can produce children who are either very aggressive in turn or who grow up anxious to keep the peace, preoccupied with pleasing others or who believe that any kind of disagreement = withdrawal of love..

I'm in this situation at the moment except I'm the one on eggshells. It's awful living like this but I'm hoping once our situation changes (we're moving next year) then the stress will reduce for both of us. I too worry about it affecting our ds and cogito's post has nailed exactly why.

At least you're considering the effect on your baby. Please do something to change what's happening in your household. It sounds like you're the one with the most control here.

I'm not sure arguments are a healthy part if he hates them and you're arguing infront of your son.

I do think its ok for children to be aware that parents disagree and make up but this sounds a little extreme.

If your husband knows you like an argument I bet he feels like he is on eggshells!

You sound as if you enjoy arguing. My neighbours argue. Its horrible. Would you argue with a friend like that or is it a treat reserved for your husband?

You should be able to resolve your differences without arguing. What form do the arguments take?

I don't agree that the OP necessarily has the control. If there is a disagreement and one person wants to talk about it but the other wants to pretend it doesn't exist then that, in itself, creates antagonism and potentially becomes a flashpoint. This situation is actually a very good one for relationship counselling, specifically conflict resolution and communication.

I don't see why the snippy comment OP? There's been nothing here attacking you.

However walking on eggshells either means that you H is unsure as to why and why you'll blow up next, and only he knows what that means, or he's permanently watching what's said/modifying what he does for fear of an explosion. That could indicate emotional abuse.

Of course it could be that he's using that as a tactic to get you NOT to complain, but given your comment about your parents constantly rowing, i'd say it's more likely you are unnecessarily shouty, and he's not equipped for it.

You need to understand this, and learn a new communication method, or you will lose your marriage. Growing up with a shouty, argumentative person isn't ideal, yes it does damage children, so sort it out now, before it gets too destructive.

What are you arguing about? Is there a theme? Is it something one of you does or doesn't do?

Why do you argue in the first place? Are you one of those people that like to argue just because you can and so take different viewpoints just to create an argument?

If it helps, I had an argumentative stepfather and he was an A grade cunt. He would change political allegiances depending on which pub he was in just to create an argument and upset people. Is there really really a need for all your arguments?

Obviously it does damage children. You are the product of a relationship where arguing was the norm.
It has made you an adult who thinks arguing is normal and who doesnt take on boa d the other persons views or feelings.
Arguing all the time is not normal
Disagreement s are normal yes. But not arguing.