What now?

[lastlostmonkey]

I need some ideas please. I've been with DH for 16 years, two DCs (DS2 is just 1yo). I feel very low about our relationship and have done for a while, possibly years.

We used to get on well, but always had our own interests, he would read at meals, go off by himself at weekends etc. I thought how mature and healthy that was. Since DD1 was born I've done majority of housework, including things he just won't do, doesn't like them. Again, at first I felt (idiot) like supportive wife, never mind, I'll do them. I get up at night, and in the morning, because he says he can't manage on broken sleep. He does work ft and I am mainly at home. And, lastly, after first few years we've had long periods of no sex. I'd like it more often, but he's not interested at bedtime, used to stay up later and would read if in bed at the same time. Not interested if I make a move so I don't make a move any more. Occasionally he will in the middle of the night.

Now he has an iPhone he's on that all the time, or reading, or watching TV. If I start talking he doesn't put down the phone. Often he doesn't respond to what I say or says he doesn't want to talk about it. He suggested I request a time some hours before if I want to talk about things he finds boring or stressful. He books to go out without asking if it's ok first, not a lot but several times now (I don't really mean permission, just checking). I've suddenly realised this is it. This is how it's going to be for the rest of my life. I feel frozen out, wary of saying things that will bore or annoy so often I don't tell him things I've thought of in case he's dismissive and my feelings are hurt.

I've said to him several times that I think there's something wrong. He says that's not how I feel, or he gets angry because he's stressed about work and I'm adding to the pressure with talking about it or whatever. For a while now I've fantasised about leaving and moving somewhere with the DCs. I haven't said anything of course, and I feel guilty for thinking about it. Is this what relationships are like? Do I have to 'work at it'? Is it because my DS is so little still? I feel lonely a lot of the time. I look forward to him coming home, or the idea that we might have sex or he might even touch me or give me a cuddle but it's slim pickings really. I almost hope he's having an affair, although that would be awful, because I can't believe anyone could get by on so little emotional contact.

What can I do? I am scared to suggest anything, not that he's aggressive but I have just never been able to make him see how I feel about it. I'm scared that doing something would mean hard decisions.

What you are experiencing is an awful situation. Your partner is supposed to be just that, a partner, not someone who basically you seem frightened of and frightened to offend. By posting on here you are already coming to the conclusion that things between you are not good and need to change. He does not seem to be meeting any of your needs. So what are you going to do? If he won't talk about it then he is putting your back against the wall and it will force you to face the fact that you would probably be better off without him. If you read similar posts on here, most posts feel happier and freer alone with their children, than staying within your sort of marriage. What about seeing a solicitor and examining your rights. Enquire as to whether you could survive without his financial help. Get all the information together and then sit down calmly and tell him how you feel and what you intend to do if he does not start meeting your needs. If you know the consequences it will help you plan. You have to consider whether or not you want him now anyway. I think you know the answer but are just frightened by the enormity of the decision.

Sorry but that is just awful advice holeinmyheart.

I cannot believe you are actually advising monkey to basically leave her partner when you barely know the ins and outs of the situation, that is very reckless.

Monkey, I'm just speculating and not excusing the behavior of your partner but do you think there is a possibility that the your feelings towards the situation are exacerbated by you being at home a lot? Its easy to dwell when bored.

Now with your partner, have you possibly fallen into a routine? Your partner goes to work and when he gets home her wants to relax and do his own thing (have his own time) hence the Reading, iPhone, TV etc. I would advise against confronting him head on with this as you may make the situation worse, especially if he gets stressed easily with work etc. Take it slow,maybe suggest watching a film together while eating ice cream (or whatever high sugar treat you both like) maybe see if he wants to play a board game (sounds sad but that's what me and my wife do from time to time). Small steps and he will reciprocate, he will notice the signs that you want more time together without you even having to say anything.

Seriously though ignore the first post, you are far from seperation.

It doesn't sound good at all, actually.

He suggested I request a time some hours before if I want to talk about things he finds boring or stressful.
This alone is mind boggling.

Anyway, it may be salvageable, but I think you'll have to put your foot down and be prepared to walk out if he isn't prepared to listen or compromise (and I don't mean on sex here).
You could have couples counselling to have a neutral ground and a neutral person listening to discuss things.
See if he agrees to it and if it has positive effects. Sometimes it's easy to get too comfortable and take te other for granted.
But keep the door open.
Counselling may actually help you decide to leave.

Nickit1988 did you read the post? I am usually all for people sticking at their marriages, having being happily married for 42 years myself. This woman is saying that she tries to have sex with her DH and he ignores her advances, when she attempts to speak to him about matters that concern her he doesn't even put down his phone or ignores her, or tells her she needs to make an appointment to speak to him. He goes out frequently without her with out much consultation, and gets angry with her and she is scared. Your advice about asking him to play a BOARD GAME made me laugh out loud. I am not suggesting in my post that she ends her marriage but just to see what ending it would entail. It seems to me that her DH needs a kick up his pants and if he thought she had serious intentions of not putting up with the appalling situation any longer he might be moved to do something about it. He is using his home as a hotel at the moment. I stand by my advice.

It's not what relationships are supposed to be like and I'm also staggered at the idea that you have to book time for a conversation or that he gets to decide if it's boring or stressful How arrogant is that!

I agree that this is kick in the pants time, not 'try harder to be a good wife' time. Because, with respect, I think your attempts to be a compliant spouse that asks for nothing and deals with everything at home have come back to bite you. You've become invisible and your feelings are unimportant. He is taking it for granted that, however badly he treats, you'll still be there filing the role of domestic appliance. Someone like that is not going to change unless they are forced to.

So I suggest you start thinking about how you set yourself up for the next phase of your life. Means working towards independence, getting a job, improving your earning potential, developing a health social life and finding out what the score would be financially/legally if you were to separate. I think if you had more confidence in yourself and more faith that your dream of living somewhere else with the DCs is achievable, then you'd relate to him in a completely different, more assertive way.

And that alone might be the kick in the pants he needs.

Sorry but that is just awful advice holeinmyheart. I cannot believe you are actually advising monkey to basically leave her partner when you barely know the ins and outs of the situation, that is very reckless

But that's what we do here. We tell it how we see it. You see it differently from holein, that's fine, but her way is fine, too.

hole gives good advice

this situation is intolerable...staying within it and unilaterally trying to make it work is demeaning, demoralising and a waste of time

this man sounds vile

I suggest his head has been turned by OW and the fullness of time will prove that...he has one foot out of the relationship already

Advising someone to end a relationship based on a short post on a forum is just down right reckless.

And again Anyfucker reckless putting the idea into the OP head that her partner has had his head turned where there is no real evidence of thos, again reckless.

My suggestion of playing a board game is not to be laughed at, it's about small steps, spending time together without being too full on about it and that's just one way.

Him ignoring her advances etc doesn't necessarily mean he has stopped loving her or that he doesn't find her attractive. Maybe he IS tired or IS stressed so his libido is low. Maybe he doesn't want to to talk because he IS stressed.

You do it your way, I'll do it mine

You recommend a bit of Monopoly and I will continue to remind women they don't need to put up with being treated like a second class citizen

@NickIt1988.... the beauty of MN is that contributors bring their own perspective, observations and experience to a problem. Yes, we only have a paragraph or two to judge the situation and most people are very conscious that there are two sides to a story. Some people, seeing a familiar or unpleasant behaviour pattern in those paragraphs, might leap to the 'LTB' conclusion. Others prefer to ask some more questions to get a better idea of context. Others, like yourself, are going to leap straight to the 'work harder on your marriage' conclusion.

Now it could easily be.... and this is just a 'what if'.... that, with a little more investigation, it emerges that the OP's DH is behaving worse than they originally indicated. That often happens because posters can be cautious at first and abusive/bullying/controlling relationships are depressingly common. If that happens the 'play a board game', 'work on your marriage' advice can quickly prove to be rather more reckless than 'LTB'

All opinions welcome... no personal attacks.

People should always be prepared to leave a relationship.
Too much unhappiness is to be had by those who work too much at it, keep giving and keep sticking to it regardless.

I bet the oh here feels very confident that his wife won't leave and that's why he feels he can behave the way he has.
Never mind board games.
A quiet shape up or I'm gone is likely to have much better effects.

Ps- for those accusing us of being biased, you haven't read many threads posted by men, have you? You'd find that the advice is very similar.

Often if you change and stop accepting things your partner will either improve to match you or you will more clearly see that he will not change.
I suggest you stop accepting this behaviour. Challenge it every time even if that means arguments. At least arguing is interacting.
Also stop living your life for his needs. Develop your own friendships and activities and start to work towards getting a job if you can.
Your husband may move towards you out he may back further away but at least you won't have lost yourself.

He suggested I request a time some hours before if I want to talk about things he finds boring or stressful.

His time is more precious than yours don't you get that?

Love in a relationship has to be tended or the old closeness withers and dies.

OP you need to look at where you are and how to brighten your life. Work, re-training, further education, something stimulating that makes you feel good about yourself.

Normally when there is one person working outside the home it helps if there is a good hour of winding down between leaving the workplace and engaging with all the family. The theory is give them a chance to switch off and they'll participate in domestic life more willingly.

In your H's case he is so far away in his own little world he might as well not be part of yours. So stop waiting for him to be an active participant and do as he does. Use the cushion of domestic and financial security to please yourself and start focussing on #1. Getting a job would be a fine start.

It's a shit relationship.

You have already realised that and fantasised about leaving.

You are perfectly within your rights as a human being to leave such a cold relationship and could use some of what is in your post as unreasonable behaviour.

All the time you shut up and stay put he won't change.

The only one who can change things to make you happy is you.

Go for your happy life.

I just wanted to day I hope you can work things out you sound like a lovely lady who deserves a good life xxx

Say!

I am sorry Nickit1988. It was disrespectful of me to laugh at your advice. However I felt concerned that you had not read Lastlost's post,or mine, thoroughly. The level of despair coming from Lastlost' was palpable. Just to say AGAIN that I was not advocating that she leave her DH, just for her to ascertain whether it was possible TO LEAVE him, if he failed to listen. She needs a plan and I like plans.

Thank you everyone. I think it's somewhere between monopoly and examining my options. We do still have good times, but it comes back again and again to the same feeling of unhappiness and feeling boring, dismissed, ignored. I do work part time, not for big bucks, but it's a type of work that could be ok for money, I'm not sure. It's very scary thinking about that. That's what I meant by scary, I'm scared I'll raise all this and then he will basically tell me he's not interested any more, or not accept it at all and then everything will stay the same. How can I work out financial situation? I don't really want to go and see anyone yet.

I was thinking about doing something new and I realised I think of myself as someone uptight and stressy and uncreative, when most people I know describe me as laid back. It's partly me but I think it is partly how we communicate with each other that's led me to that. I am the bore and the nag, even if that's never actually stated. He is stressed, he's had a lot on at work. But I also remember that we've had these conversations on and off for our whole relationship. I guess I used to be more resilient, or have more going on outside to sustain me.

Have to go, will come back.

It's horrible when a relationship descends into repetition. The same arguments over and over, everyone playing their usual part, nothing getting resolved. The 'oh dear, here we go again' feeling is incredibly depressing. Show me someone who doesn't have a lot on at work... it's no excuse for ill treatment

I think the reason you are less resilient and why you're nervous about tackling the finances or starting something new is that your confidence has been chipped away at. You made the mistake of going the 'good wife' route, he's exploited that, taken you for granted and now, instead of that laid-back (fun? creative? generous?) woman your friends used to know, you see yourself as a boring nag.

Please force yourself to see someone about finances and legal things. I know it's daunting but I think you need to do something daring just for you in order to start feeling alive again. Get your heart racing a little faster.

Not many people want to be the bore and nag in a family but when one adult is so detached, the other adult has to step up.

Your youngest is 1 so there was some intimacy a bit less than two years' ago but that's very lacklustre. You're feeling a big loss of confidence and meanwhile he virtually ignores you. If anyone's a killjoy it's him.

As a boy H was probably expected to go to and from school then keep himself amused. Now as an adult with you in the mum role it's easy to slip back into a to-and-from-work-then keep-himself-amused routine. Except it's a lonely life and as you say "slim pickings" for the woman he's meant to cherish.

I've had more of a think about it now. I am going to try to talk to him about making more time for each other the sex and will challenge when being ignored etc. But I also think I will investigate some counselling for me to work out how I really feel about things, and maybe a bit of financial investigation too, just so I can be clear what the situation is. Thank you all, this has really helped me clarify things. I feel I've described it too harshly, but I am unhappy, and that needs sorting, doesn't it? That's my plan, hole! Thank you all.

Nickit, that you say the phrase "had his head turned" tells me everything I need to know about how useful your opinions will be. You're an apologist for arseholes.
No idea if this husband is having an affair.
But let's get this straight - when either partner has an affair, it is not because someone else has turned their head. No one but them is at fault.

OP - shove monopoly!!! I agree you need to be clear on your practical options, re separation. Then if you love him, or think you can recover the love you had, then put it to him that effort / Counselling is required. He's being a total git to you currently, and a bit of Scrabble or a flipping tub of ice cream won't fix that.

Could I really have turned my ea ex into a better person by dusting off my compendium? Fuck who knew!
Glad you have had some clarity op but booking time yo discuss boring stuff? Wtaf? I wish you well and hope you make the sensible decision.

LastLost Monkey, you are very welcome and I wish you well with your plan and lots and lots of the best of everything. At sometime or other got ourselves into rubbish situations, but the trick is, not to do it over and over again. I am speaking from the experience of making a terrible hash of the early part of my life. I shudder to think of . But then no one is perfect. Xxx hole