HOW TO DEAL WITH HURTFUL COMMENTS?

[Noina]

Long story short, I don't like the way I look and have a beautiful sister which doesn't really help. Growing up I was constantly being compared to my sister which was hard, but for the comments to come from family members and relatives made it all the worse! My mom would always make comments about my ears (they stick out) the shape of my mouth my teeth, people will directly say that my sister was more beautiful than me (which she is), my boyfriend asked me how come I had a big nose unlike my parents and siblings?! (Like he really wanted an explanation!!). Had my ex tell me that his friend's thought I had a big nose. I even once had my aunt tell me out of the blue in the presence of my sister and Mom of how she thought my sister was on a higher level than me that she was the TOP! Her words were so mean that my cousin felt so sorry for me and tried to change the subject. I just laughed it off what else could I have done?! hearing my Mom tell my sister she is her pride & joy felt bad. But the worst thing was waking up in the middle of the night to over hear my Mom saying to my Dad (while he is trying to get her to lower her voice) how out of all her kids the only one worth having was my sister. My Dad didn't say anything didn't object. I just went to my sister's hugged her so tight while she was sleeping. My sister is a beautiful person inside and out. I will never hold her responsible for other people's hurtful comments. I just want to know how to deal with such comments.

People that place such high value about looks are not worth knowing (sorry I know they're your parents). Who is to say what is beautiful and what's not? We only see beauty in certain people as we are told that they're beautiful. We should celebrate our imperfections as that is what makes us unique.

Everyone is going to have an opinion on how someone looks, beauty is in the eye of the beholder so they say. But for your Mum to constantly compare you to your sister is really unkind and I'm surprised that you're even talking to her still... she sounds very shallow.

You should be proud of who you are inside and out, who cares if you have big ears? I have a big nose but it's my nose and I wouldn't be me without it.

God what horrible people. I think you didn't hear your dad say anything cuz he wanted your mum to shut up and stop being such a bitch. Sorry you feel this way :-(

" I just laughed it off what else could I have done?"

You could and should have fought back!!!! Told your miserable aunt and anyone else who puts you down to fuck off to the far side of fuck and then fuck off some more.... (or use your own words, of course)

When you say nothing and laugh it off, people think you feel nothing inside. Only you can correct that impression. And another thing... however beautiful inside or out your sister may be, she's not sticking up for you much is she?

The only way to deal with hurtful remarks is to fight back. Every. Single. Time.

Just got out the pom poms in a northern manner to cheer on cog's post, it says.it.ALL!!

I grew up with a sister 14 months older than me, family folklore is that she was the pretty one and I was the clever one.

It took us a long time to come to terms with how we were labelled as kids, we were probably 33 and 34 when we finally sat down to talk about it, and only then because I'd been going for counselling poverty another matter and my relationship with her came up.

Our parents did the best they could. She was prettier. I was cleverer. However while they tried to play to our strengths what they did was cause us to focus on our negatives, I felt she just had to 'be' to be appreciated while I had to work hard for my acknowledgments. She felt she'd never measure up to me academically so stopped trying and didn't realise her full potential.

now we're older (47 and 49) we can see that what a waste of time all that angst was and have both said that if we could give our younger selves advice it would be too just let it go and get on with being yourself.

and that's my advice to you, let it go. Take a deep breath, close your eyes, smile, and listen to all the postitive whispers. ....I bet there are way more than the negatives x

Smiling and closing eyes might work for some people but the OP appears to have been 'laughing off' this hateful crap for years and look where it's got her. Depressed and struggling with self-esteem. It doesn't matter if she looks like Plug from the Bash Street Kids, no-one ... not even people with a DNA connection .... has the right to insult her.

How old are you Noina?

Does this sort of thing happen now?

You must respond. Don't do/say nothing and don't feel you have to protect their feelings. They need to know that it's unacceptable and that you're hurt.

In my old job, one of my bosses kept upsetting me but I put on a brave face. Then one day (PMT) I couldn't hold it together. I cried and ran away. He was mortified and never ever did it again. In fact, he looked at me with a new respect. He used to upset the females in our office a lot. Some would argue with him but no one dared to cry.

OMG how awful. It is unbelievable that Parents could inflict such pain on you. It is sooo insensitive. So what can you do? You need somehow to acquire the tools to defend yourself and feel more confident. This can be done by reading or going on a counselling course. Initial courses are cheap and free at most Colleges, it is cheaper than getting counselling yourself. I would recommend this course of action as it helped me. Your parents have obviously never been told how painful their comments are and I am afraid they need telling. It seems so simple, ( although I know it is not )to say ,when faced with an unkind comment, 'what you have just said really hurts my feelings, I know perfectly well that I am not as beautiful as my sister, who I love and admire, but nevertheless, having my lack of looks pointed out to me at every opportunity is hurtful' that would render most insulters speechless and hopefully embarrassed. However, It is alright us giving you advice and sympathy but you are the one who has to somehow acquire more confidence to combat these wicked mean people. Or in extremis .... Thanks for those comments! in that case can I just put you down for £500 for my plastic surgery fund if you think I look so bad? ( obviously I am just kidding) of course how we look should be irrelevant.