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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

what the hell do I do :(

28 replies

attheendofmyteatheragain · 15/07/2014 15:13

ex is refusing to pay me child maintenance this month, which unfortunately I completely depend on to be able to pay bills, which he knows, and are due to be paid tomorrow. This isnt the first time he has done this

A bit of background as I think it's relevant to this situation. When i was five months pregnant exp left me (with nowhere to live also and did this by text!). Turns out he had been with his exp during our whole relationship, who was actually his next door neighbour and had managed to keep it hidden very well. he was 33yo at the time, I was 24.

(Please bear with me if it's a bit long winded and rubbish grammar and a bit mishmashed etc, I'm furiously typing this at work..)

As I was due to move in with him in four days and had given up my previous house, I had no other option but to move into my mothers for that time being which was 35 miles away. I was still working full time and having to travel back and forth every day right up until my maternity leave, but I found the travelling too much and utterly exhausting so found myself a suitable home for me and soon to be born son, back in the city, then somehow managed to juggle being a single parent with a new born baby and going back to work full time.

It was extremely tough though, as I had no family close by and only a few friends so the only option I felt I had was to move back to my hometown where all my family and friends are, and found myself a decent job here, which has made things easier for me, but being 35 miles away from exp, he is not happy. After moving back to my hometown, i was still working in the city, spending a fortune commuting, but exp was happy as every weekend i dropped DS before work then collected hom on the sunday when i finished as he lived very close to my workplace

Throughout my pregnancy I must add that exp was hopeless, useless and downright nasty, telling me i was a leech as now he will have to pay child maintenance for 18 years and that I got pregnant on purpose Sad telling me that he will having 50/50 custody when DS is born and constantly reminding me that his sister and brother in law are lawyers. he is a downright bully Angry

When ds was born, i had to invite him into my home so he could have a relationship with ds which was extremely hardgoing but now ds and exp have a good relationship which I couldnt be happier about. Exp is generally consistent with taking DS at weekends except when he decides to go on holiday four/five times a year. and things between us are usually fine

After I started my new job two weeks ago, we decided to meet half way on the friday and sunday to drop/collect DS. All was fine for those two weeks then he decided he didnt want to do that anymore, so he text me to say that this is not going to happen anymore, he will collect him from my house and i will collect DS from his on the other day.

As I had already arranged my whole weekend which included a day at work to do overtime i told him we should keep it at the original agreement and can chat about it face to face when we get a chance the following weekend. simple enough but exp does not like being given no as an answer, so when we met he wanted to know right there and then if he was going to have DS on christmas day (that is not the longstanding agreement we have) and if i will agree to travel 50/50 every weekend with his suggestion of dropping ds at each other house, i agreed to drive to his on the sunday to discuss it further and not in a car park, left, thought everything was fine but now he is refusing to pay the child maintenance until i agree to what he wants!

the money he gives me doesnt even nearly cover the childcare fees i have to pay for ds each month, so effectivley barely contributes to his upbringing at all other than when ds is at his and he feeds him etc. This man had 9 flats which he rents out plus a well paid job yet still refused to pay any cm until ds was 6months old because 'you're breastfeeding him, he doesnt cost you any money' Angry Angry Angry

I earn no where near what he does and really do struggle with paying the bills which he knows and could not care less about, he really grudges giving me anything and has made that very clear from day one. All I ask is that th cm is paid every month on the 14th so rent can be paid the following day but because i refused to talk to him further in a car park and agree to his demands, he is now using money as a tool to overt power and will not give me the cm which now means i will be short. I couldnt help but get upset in front of ds who is now 3.

I am so furious and upset. he said we can discuss money on sunday after we have discussed christmas and travel arrangements. So do I put up with this and allow him to bully me with money? I don't think i can even face seeing him at all, he is putting me in such a horrid position and he is doing it intentionally, cant stop crying and dont know how to deal with this, I've told him if he doesnt do the right thing and pay what he owes I wont be meeting him to discuss anything

OP posts:
attheendofmyteatheragain · 16/07/2014 10:36

I'll do that then, through child maintenance service. I've no idea how solicitors etc work and thought that was possibly an option, to get the agreement we already have turned into a legally binding one.

I think he'll be living off the rental income from his flats (which he doesn't declare) if he's not working. There's never been any domestic violence so I wouldn't be entitled to legal aid, but couldn't afford whatever courts would charge. If he is the one to take me to court would I still be liable to pay? horrible, horrible situation

OP posts:
mindyourown1 · 16/07/2014 11:28

so you need to report him to HMRC too?

And emotional abuse is domestic violence btw - it isn't all fists flying.

ImperialBlether · 16/07/2014 11:49

How come you're not entitled to anything in terms of tax credits etc, OP? They don't take CM into account. Have you been on the Entitled To website?

Personally I would never let him have your child on Christmas Day, if that's what he's getting at. No way. I would also report him to the tax authorities and get a lawyer involved - he is a disgusting man.

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