Moving on from abuse/stalking - how to warn new people about the past?

[printoffthemac]

I'm late twenties now.

Left abusive family (cultural oppression, violence, my dad was in jail but he's out now) when I was fifteen.

After an abusive relationship, I had a few years "off the grid" and living in semi-hiding, I'm ready to move on with things, get back into education, more in the mainstream. I'm living in a new city, but not a new country.

I suppose I'm not that trusting of social services, institutions because of their handling of the situation in the past: very unpleasant to me, and basically let my dad get away with stuff before he was convicted of assualting two girls.

But just thinking - although I "myself" have put distance between me and the events, they're not really the kind of people who easily give up (so full of hatred and lack of self that "getting" those who have escaped/crossed them is their only goal in life).

Eg for my new educational institution - I know in the past family/abusive ex have contacted my college impersonating me, claiming they have my consent.

People without boundaries: they have gone through bins, stealing my mail, contacting societies/groups I'm in to say "can you report what X is doing", sat in cars outside where I live, using social media/blogs to report conspiracy theories on what I'm doing or how the government is against their ethnic group (complete with photos of me).

Basically lots of "harassment" that isn't bad enough (I feel) to call the police straight off, but a way of isolating and shaming me and not wanting me to be able to escape their influence.

I'm currently house sharing with someone who knows about the situation. But say I'm in a shared house with strangers and I need to warn them that if someone knocks on the door claiming to have my consent to go up to my room? Or about the mail?

What is anyone's experience of trying to make the fresh start? How do you handle it with new people you meet?

I've got one trusted friend I live with, and have started (slowly) dating someone, but he has family issues at the moment so not sure he is able to handle any of the big stuff. Also I'm not after turning him into a knight in shining armour, he's just a man and I don't want my emotional security to depend on one person.

I can see it being helpful to maybe tell people about it, so they can watch out for me.

But also: I don't want to isolate myself and be some drama-queen stuck in the past and drawing attention to it.

What is the best way to approach my past with strangers? I feel a bit socially naive and behind so don't really know if there is a precedent for this! "Not at immediate risk but would like to be cautious and inform others I meet of the situation".

Many thanks.

Also to add, my family did the whole "trying to prove she is mentally ill" thing when I left their house, and I think they would probably do the same thing with new people I meet if they got wind of my location - trying to imply I'm a danger to myself so need keeping tabs on.

"Basically lots of "harassment" that isn't bad enough (I feel) to call the police straight off..."

I think you should involve the police. You mentioned cultural oppression and I suppose I'm making some assumptions on the strength of that that. 'Cultural' crimes such as misogynistic/revenge killings or FGM have a much higher profile in the past and if your father is a convicted criminal and you have felt the need to go into hiding then you should be taken 100% seriously. The police non-emergency number 101 sounds like the route into protection for you. Be persistent and, in the meantime, log every example of harassment and interference. What you're describing is extremely bad.

Regarding strangers, I think you have to get to know people and then make a considered judgement on whether they can be trusted with your personal information. That applies to any aspect of your private life. Expect to get it wrong occasionally.

With your new education system my advice would be to let the head of student services or advisors aware of this. It can be confidential, and also they could inform registry not to let your results out, or any other information. They should handle this in a delicate way for you.

I work in an institution and never give out information on a student to a parent.
Perhaps look into counselling at university as well so that a person can guide you on how to tell, disclose and be an ear for you as well.
Good luck
I will let others more experienced chip in on the other stuff

Definitely involve the Police, OP! These sorts of scenarios have gained a lot of press recently and are a priority for many forces.

Thanks Cogito

I think I've been a bit of a victim of my own "success" in that I was so scared when I was 23, didn't quite trust the police to get it right, so I felt I had to take action myself do all the moving on, name changing, making sure my mail was sent to a mailbox, been on the "alternative" scene so I'm not tracable. Haven't really socialised/met new people much. Which worked: no issues for five years. It's been alright, feel I've really emotionally got my direction and peace of mind in place.

But now that isn't sustainable - I want to get a a degree and a mainstream job and stop living in hiding!

So I suppose it's that I haven't really got any record of harassment for the last five years which makes it difficult to actually know what I'm complaining about? I'm thinking more of pre-emptive action so my university and any people I meet know not to give too many details out, watch out for strange stuff, etc.

I have been in a similar situation, in that I have been stalked and am well aware of the lengths a determined person will go to to eek out every bit of information possible! It is harrowing and takes a long time to get over.

For the first few years I went off the grid too, then slowly made my way back in to normal life - I feel safer now, as there are so many people aware and on the look-out. I have also got a marker on the house, which means anything suspicious is immediately responded to with armed response police! (A bit of a shock when they all pile into your house, but my word does it feel good to know I am safe in my home!) the police can also set up things like CCTV, a panic room, and an alarm system.

When I first started getting back to normality and had to warn my new employers, my landlord, my neighbours, I felt like The Weird Woman, like people would think I was over reacting and mad. However, the more I say it the more I realise the good people respond well and will do anything to help protect you. It is a scary step, but you do have to let people know otherwise they are vulnerable to manipulation.

Even if you don't have a record of the harassment, you have your own account and that's valid

Many thanks.

Well I've got the details of the police/local anti-stalking charity so will write everything down (including details of the past stuff) and am steeling myself to make an appointment over the next few weeks: I am very nervous about going in but do reckon just having a "named official person who knows whats going on" would be a big help.

Just a thought, might a total name change by deed poll help? Im sure it's not foolproof but unless your name is dead common, it might help make things just a bit more difficult. I imagine that keeping safe involves many things and a few layers of smoke-and-mirrors might help.

Definitely second getting in touch with the police, there's a specialist unit dealing with this sort of thing isnt there. They must have a huge number of tips and strategies.

Meerka thank you, I did that last couple years

It's quite nervewracking going in. I suppose I spent a lot of my childhood/early 20's making statements etc not to be believed or taken seriously? I'm going to type as much as possible out so I can just hand it over and see what happens.

Also, I think because by some educational accident I'm fairly well put together/well-spoken/try not to act like a nervous wreck even if I am feeling it, I sometimes got this vibe of "you're just doing this for attention and won't be taken seriously."

(basically only when there was independent evidence from "out" of the family was something done - my father is one of those men with no sense of shame who would just lie and get the whole family involved in backing him up, make complaint of racism, etc).

I believe you there, if you look a wreck you get taken more seriously when you ask for help, don't you ...

It sounds a living nightmare. I wish you safety, security and a good future

It took two years of incessant and increasing weirdness for anybody to take me seriously (and only then after he attacked one of my friends at work for 'standing in the way of love'). He was an upstanding member of society who was able to draw on his 'respectability' - he succeeded in making it appear that I was the mad one (until he lost it!).

I think, in the last few years there has been a change in the way stalking is viewed - it wasn't even a specific crime when I was going through it, and it sounds like yours is quite historic too. That said, police officers are human - so don't be dissapointed if you are met with scepticism at first. Keep at it until you get through to the correct unit. In my experience only one treated me like a weirdo. I only say this because I would hate you to be put off if this is the initial response you are met with.

If you call 101 and ask if there is a unit that can help, then hopefully you can get patched straight through to a specific officer. The stalking charity and MN will help support you if you get a knock-back.

If I was you I would take this step sooner rather than later, because while you are sitting on it you are thinking about it. Best to get it over and done with in my experience.

As well as anti-stalking charities you might find Womens Aid helpful (0808 2000 247) as they are there for the female victims of male violence. They can often recommend ancillary services such as solicitors that specialise in cases with an abusive element.