Good call?

[fucko]

I'm looking for reassurance, which I know is a bit crap, should know my own mind etc.

Have been seeing a guy casually for the last 5 years... our initial title for our relationship was 'fuck buddy'

As time went on, he became very into me, and me him, but at differing speeds.

He is, and always will be, a big drinker. His idea of not drinking is having pear cider instead of whisky.

If he can afford it, he will buy weed, coke, speed, probably in that order.

Throughout all of these offerings, I've accepted as I have an addictive personality with a past interest in alcohol, food, restricting/compulsively eating food.

This is me being honest:

• I've never had such mind-blowing sex with anyone in my life (i'm 41).

• Every time I see him we will either drink LOADS, smoke LOADS, or do class A

• I have no children and neither does he, which makes this situation possible.

I caught a virus last week and was virtually immobile in bed for 7 days, during which i had time to think about things, particularly long-term.

At the peripheral of my mind has always been to be t-total and give up the booze (and also the drugs) and I want to do this. I finished with him for this reason and explained it all to him. I said it was not fair to inadvertently put pressure on him to do the same - and that 2 addicts were always going to end up encouraging the other to succumb...

He's not questioned me about anything I've said after explaining,and I'm so so sorry and the thought of hurting him makes me massively sad.

I know it was the right thing to do, but how do I start to feel less awful? He knows I'm not just being a cow, and he doesn't want to talk about it, but his acceptance of the situation sort of makes me feel worse.

I feel like i've strung him along for far longer than is decent. What can I do to make him understand better, or should i just leave it as it is?

Sorry, this is so jumbled, and I know it's awfully jumbled. Any thoughts / advice gratefully received

xx

You sound to me like you have the situation sized up pretty well, and he does understand what you said, so I'd leave it alone. It is sad, as are you, and I'm sure you wish he would take the T Total journey with you, or at least try to.... but maybe he knows himself well enough to know he won't succeed? Don't let that stop you, though.

Leave it as it is, go NC, enjoy a new healthy life and body. Sounds like you've done the right thing, been kind about it, and he knows it's the right thing too.

Are you all recovered now (from the virus)?
Keep busy and hopefully that will ward off any inclination to get in contact, phone a dealer, have a drink, etc.

Throe yourself into a new hobby. There are some things which are safe to be addicted (ish) to. I became a "health nut" this year after breaking up with exdp late last year (allowing a few months of drinking and eating) and life has never been better.

Thank you so much for replying Dirty and Whits...

My life dilemma has always been a battle between good and bad re life style. My diet would probably make most people's lips curl - veggie, all fresh, salad, no processed stuff at all....

Counterbalancing this is a smoking (nicotine) habit and a drink habit when I can't control it. Oh yes, and a massive sugar addiction...

For the last 10 years, I've been obsessively into either yoga or cardio or strength exercise...

The virus (the shame) was herpes. But it was transferred by an apparently active coldsore of his (I saw the mark and thought it was over)....

I felt dreadful for the week. Ended up at the hospital crying my eyes out, not helped by the fact they clustered round me like mother hens :)

So here I am, single at 41 and now pathetically clinging to the good memories of us. The real memories should be class A drugs a regular occurrence, spliffs as we wake, his disinterest//fear in meeting my family and friends... none of it is encouraging...

But, I understand him. And, if we part, am I ever going to meet anyone who understands me again? I'm introverted, work at home yada yada and no kids, which surely must make me seem like a freak at 41??

Am so confused, and so upset I may have caused someone to be hurting...

If he is hurting then he has to sort that out for himself. Right now you are hurting too and that needs to be acknowledged and addressed.
In so many ways your life sounds so good, with the healthy eating and yoga but this contrasts hugely with the other side of your life.
Every single one of us has to make choices about our lifestyle and we have to live with the consequences of those choices.
You could try saving up the money that you would have spent on cigarettes, drugs and large amount of sugary food and put it towards a trip of a lifetime which would give you a new focus in your life.
It's obvious that you care about this guy but honestly, he is only gonna drag you down unless he also wants to clean up his act.
Get yourself involved in some new hobbies and hopefully you will be able to make some new friends too.
This transition is not going to be easy but physically it will be massively beneficially to you in the long run.
It's time to turn your life around now before you start coming down with health related problems caused by your current lifestyle choices.
Let him work through his own issues right now. You can't change another person but you can make steps to change yourself and the choices that you make.
Good luck with it all.

I think you know you've made the right decision.

Would you consider AlAnon? It seems to me you could use a supportive post addiction environment, and also that staying home alone and trying to do this on your own would be actually bad for you.

Is there anything at all that you are interested in that is healthy that would get you out of the house and exercising not exercise or self improvement for the sake of it but secondary to some other goal something like hill walking, or pleine aire painting, a local photography club, volunteering? Or if you felt like somethng more social, morris dancing or square dancing, etc?

You said you don't think you will meet someone who understands you again. But really, he doesn't know and understand you, because it is the alcohol and drug-taking you ie. not the real you that he knows.

Sober you may be a totally different person.

I like my sober self better. I'm kinder. Less snappy. More thoughtful. Less cranky.

Give yourself a few weeks, and I think your perception of your self will totally change.

I think you will undoubtedly always care for him, but you know this is not a healthy relationship. You, the REAL you, deserves much more.

Good call - you are smart enough to see you will both pull each other down.

Hey have you tried AA or NA?

Good call. A brave one too.

Thank you for taking the time to respond, I'm really grateful.

Yes it is the right thing. I know it is. I've found an AA meeting which I can go to so will try and pluck up the courage.

Drink is my main issue. I can take or leave weed or other drugs and won't buy them myself, so there is a positive!

In so many respects I should be happy with my situation. My lovely dog ensures I get out every day and take a break from work. I've got to know lots of people through dog walking. I also volunteer once a week at a charity shop which is good fun, with a lovely bunch of people.

My housemate, who lives in a separate flat above, is a great friend and I have a small number of very close friends who I see as much as I can, and family who I'm close to.

I also adore my garden and spend a lot of time pottering out there.

I'm going to try and just sit back and enjoy what I have. I have a lot to be grateful for. I love the idea of sober being simpler - I can so relate to that!

I will miss him but I know it could never have worked. Being with him (we don't live in the same place) was rather like suspending time and normality which, although fun, wasn't living in the real world.

I'm sorry I didn't name check anyone but I've got lots from each post, thank you :)