Do me and DH argue too much? (Long, sorry!)

[Nessalina]

So, a bit of context, me & DH have been together 10yrs, married 18 months, expecting our first child in autumn. He's not been at work since March after being signed off with anxiety and depression. He's on medication and much improved, generally pretty happy. He was planning on quitting his job to retrain anyway, so now he's working on a new career educating himself from home.

He has a hard time when we argue and dwells on it, sometimes for days. I'm of the opinion that everyone fights, and once an argument is over, it's over, and I don't brood. He worries that there's something 'wrong' with us as a couple because we argue, and he worries that the same stuff crops up. I think we argue a pretty normal amount.

So essentially I'm trying to get an idea of whether we argue a regular amount for a couple, or if we have a problem - this is a months worth, does this sort of stuff sound normal?!

Yesterday - he comes home from a walk all sweaty, says he's going to shower, then lies down on the bed wanting a hug, which I think is a bit gross, and I'm like 'are you not showering?', so he showers and gets into a funk that I've 'told him to shower'. Turns out coz I've been away two nights he's got used to doing what he fancies and is annoyed with me 'ordering him about' which I hadn't meant to do. We make peace.

A week ago - he asks me to get something from a low shelf for him, I say I'd rather not because kneeling down is a bugger at the moment with the baby bump. He gives me the silent treatment, and when I challenge him says that he's 'not convinced' that I couldn't have got said thing for him. I get pissed off because it sounds like he's accusing me of lying. He says he's doesn't know when I genuinely can't do something and when I'm taking the piss. I can be quite lazy, so I take his point, and promise not to take the mick, but that he needs to trust me.

Two weeks ago - he gets mad because I'm driving his car, and he thinks I've reversed into a gate, but don't apologise or seem to care. In fact, I didn't think I had hit the gate, and he didn't say, so I hadn't apologised. A few days before he actually dented my car by opening his door into it, so when he brings up the fictional gate thing, I get really annoyed because I didn't make a big deal out of my car getting bumped. Ends up with us both apologising for not being nicer to each other's vehicles.

Three weeks ago. I come home from work to find that he's done the laundry that needed doing, but hung wet stuff onto the maiden with already dry stuff, meaning the dry stuff has got damp. I point it out and he gets really pissed off saying that nothing is good enough for me. After a brief shouting match I go upstairs and realise he's tidied and hoovered upstairs, cleaned bathroom, changed bed, and I feel like a right cow, so I go down and apologise for freaking out about something small.

None of the arguments descend to name calling or anything, but I always cry because my eyes are wired that way. Are we normal?

With all that anxt when do you do normal stuff.He needs to get a job really doesn't he?Hope things improve before your baby arrives.

Should have said really, in between these rows we're pretty chilled out and happy. Very affectionate with each other. It's only one row a week really with normal stuff in between!

Hmm. I think the issue isn't just how much you argue, but how you argue full stop.

Giving you the silent treatment because you don't want to bend down and he doesn't know if you genuinely can't? Not normal. Subsequently concluding that you are lazy and mustn't take the mick? Not normal. Where is the concern and kindness for you in your pregnancy? Or full stop?

You aren't normal. He sounds horrible and emotionally draining and you are putting too much energy into justifying him and "not brooding".

I agree with the PP. The situations you're describing are largely petty and his reaction is disproportionate to the problem. Not getting something off a low shelf? He sounds unreasonable, miserable and determined to pick a fight over any little thing at all. Suggest you spend less time trying to keep him happy, stop apologising so much and take a tougher line.

Why didn't he get his own thing off the low shelf?

Who in their right minds hangs wet washing on top of dry?

OP he sounds on the verge of controlling you with these silent treatments. You go away two nights, and to punish you he says he has for used to being able to do his own thing, which means saying he will shower, not showering and then having a go when you mention the shower that he mentioned himself just minutes earlier?

What's the worst three arguments ever, just for context?

The shelf thing is abnormal- I think he should've just got it himself.

The car thing is probably normal. The silent treatment is a red flag.

Wow, kind of surprised that he comes across as the bad guy, I don't think he's quite as bad as maybe I've made out...
I was standing right next to the low shelf in question whilst he was lying down on the other side of the room - normal not pregnant me would have got it no problem, so it wasn't unreasonable to ask.
I can't think of our worst arguments EVER.
We seem to have the same arguments over and over. They all run along the lines of: he goes quiet and when I ask what's up he won't say, often he'll say that he 'doesn't want to say because it'll upset me'. I persevere, and he eventually tells me, and it'll be something small that I've done that he felt undermined him, or that I'm doing round the house that pisses him off. This usually makes me come back with something that has annoyed me. We come to an agreement, but he's still 'sad' for ages after.
Very rarely it starts because he's pissed me off, like the washing incident, but I often swallow my annoyance because it's not worth the row.

Your last comment there is a red flag for me.

Yuck. It sounds really wearing and boring.

So he goes into a sulk over some tiny non issue thing. You press and press to find out what it is. He resists, pretending it'll upset you. Then you argue about it and he sulks some more?

What a bloody pantomime.

You can't win here, op. You would have to walk on eggshells so as not to upset the man.

It sounds shite. Sorry. I just wouldn't bother asking him what he's sulking about. Leave him to it.

Oh come on, not everything is a red flag, I am definitely not in an abusive relationship, we're just not great at airing our issues in a constructive way I think. Do you guys not argue about silly stuff with your OHs?

Arguing once a week I'd say is a bit OTT and yes it all sounds hard work and pretty boring, picking fights over the most insignificant things too is just daft.

Sorry but you did ask.

You certainly don't argue too much if these are the only times you had an argument in the last month.

However he does seem to overreact to very small things. Which isn't good.
And you probably need to stop bringing other stuff into the argument. Solve one poblem before getting to the next.

I am wondering though if the reason you are bringing these issues into the argument is because you don't feel you can I it otherwise. Because it will create tension/your DH won't be taking it well. So you prefer not to say anything, it sort if stew and burst out at the first opportunity.
The issue here is clearly that you will end up getting very ressentful if you can't air your own dissatisfactions. And all the kitten things that annoys you atm will at some point become huge issues.

"I often swallow my annoyance because it's not worth the row."

It may not be abuse but it's manipulative. When you routinely find yourself either not expressing your opinion, swallowing your annoyance, second-guessing someone's reaction and not feeling free to say/do things on the grounds that there will be a row.... then your behaviour is being manipulated.

The whiny stuff you describe of the same arguments over and over, where he is deliberately 'sad' for a long time afterwards is also highly manipulative. As is the tendency to personalise everything... 'I can't do anything right'... which is not constructive. Call it guilt-tripping, emotional blackmail, or whatever it's a very immature method of getting his own way.

I think it sounds like a lot of disagreements, yes. And over very petty things. He sulks. You play tit-for-tat.

These petty things can be irritating. People are irritating. Generally you take a deep breath, remind yourself how petty it is, and forget about it, not pick and whine over every little thing. Otherwise your life ends up as one big petty whine/sulk/defensive/titfor tat waste of time and energy.

Save the arguments for things that actually matter.

Says me, after OH and I argued at weekend about picking up a flipping curry, but everything's easy in theory . On the whole though we don't argue much, and don't sweat the small stuff like this. In the last year I would guess we've had about 3 serious arguments. And 2 or so silly disagreements. I simply wouldn't have the energy for it or interest in it any more. I've been in picky/touchy/sulky relationships in past, and not doing that again. You just go round in circles and it's horrible. After 10 years of that you are sick of it.

So sort out your disagreement style now.

I also think if he's just being quiet, leave him alone, and don't pick at him to tell you 'what's wrong'. Just ignore it and get on with things. If he's sulking, it'll cure him of that.

But maybe he isn't sulking and you dragging an argument out of him really isn't helpful.

Sometimes I get unreasonably annoyed by silly things. I know I'm being unreasonable. I know it's silly. I still feel annoyed for a little bit. I'm quiet not because I'm sulking or trying to be funny with OH, I'm just giving myself a stern talking to inside, or trying to lift my mood, or just avoiding talking so I don't accidentally snap about it. OH has learned now to just ignore it and then I get over myself and I'm fine 5 minutes later. At first he'd keep picking at me about what's wrong and it made it worse. Because I didn't want to admit being annoyed over something silly, I didn't want to discuss it, I just wanted to sort my head out.

I find it odd that you remember three weeks ago. I had a go at dh about something the other day and he got a bit huffy but I couldn't tell you when or even exactly what it was about... I think maybe you both need to work out what's important.

Tbh OP he sounds like VERY hard work!

He is paranoid, controlling and just wearing. No you dont row toomuch but the way he is is just crappy. You have been together 10 years and he doesn't trust you re the passing off a low shelf and then broods about it-that is insecure, disproportionate and just childish. Dh and I disagree about petty household stuff like putting shoes away etc but neither of us give it a seconds thought 5 minutes later.
what the hell is he going to be like when a baby takes all the attention away fromhim? How are you going to bea team and share child care when he doesn't trust you and he's off sulking?

Do you guys not argue about silly stuff with your OHs?

No. We have about one row a year, a few disagreements [eg what colour paint, where to put the coffee machine, which evening to go to the allotment] but if one of us isn't happy we open our mouths and tell the other and it is sorted/reasoned out almost immediately. This going quiet lark is designed to unnerve you and make you tread on eggshells not to upset him.

The whole 'ordering him around', 'undermining' line is very insecure. It sounds like he doesn't cope well with a woman asking him to do stuff. What he'll be like when the baby comes and you have to ask him to help I've no idea.

When you say he's 'sad' after arguments I think you really mean he's sulking.

He sounds manipulative, stroppy and immature.

Sounds like he needs to get a job.

It's interesting to me that everyone is seeing him as the bad guy because I see this as a bit of a joint effort of irritation.

• Shower thing: actually is gross. I totally understand you asking him to shower but you didn't actually ask. You phrased it in a bit of a judgy almost condescending way. BUT to be fair, he really should have known better!

• Low shelf thing: hard to visualise but we do the same "while you're there..." and if you hadn't even attempted to get it then I'd've been a little ticked. That said, you have a history of being lazy (you said) so he assumed (from experience) that you were being lazy and didn't want to "help" him. You could have said "I'll give it a shot, bending down has been hard lately..." just as I'd expect my husband to tell me when his leg is playing up.

• Car thing: totally his fault for brooding instead of asking. Had he asked you would have been able to apologise/explain.

• Laundry: does it really matter? In the grand scheme? It would have dried, you could have separated what you wanted out to dry quicker. You could have also put the dry clothes away before he had time to put on the "damp" stuff. It does seem a little like you were picking simply because you could.

Honestly it does seem all a bit petty. I can't say my husband and I argue much at all. When we do it's because either of us is tired or has a headache or is getting sick.

Also sounds like you guys need to communicate better. He needs to tell you when he's annoyed about something (car) and I think you need to learn to phrase things less judgy. That said, when you're depressed everything feels like a personal attack and that you can't do anything right (for me anyway).

Airing issues is healthy especially if you don't hark back to earlier arguments and don't resort to name calling.

But if it's the same old gripes thenthere'sobviously a sticking point.

The two of you need to agree that occasional blunders aren't personal attacks and dwelling on/sulking over bygones just prolongs the bad atmosphere.

The sheer fact DH is now home so much more is in itself a change, (ask anyone who is suddenly faced with a partner working from home or laid off). Then on top of that he is recovering from the health issues from earlier this year.

Simultaneously you are going to get slower and more tired as the pregnancy gets further on. DH has to know this. That's a fact. It will be all to easy to snap.

If you both set your minds to it you could lay it on thick about pregnancy and being signed off work with depression. Sort of compete. But when your baby comes you're each going to have to be the bigger person and step up when things need doing. Nothing depletes energy needlessly like squabbling over petty crap.