How to help someone re cognitive dissonance?

[GloomyWater]

Until reading this board, I had never heard of cognitive dissonance, but I think my DP is suffering this wrt his STBXW, and I don't know if it's possible or advisable to help him.

Essentially he is having to wake up to the fact that ten years of marriage have not been what he thought they were. I think he had buried his head in the sand by working on the basis that if you're married, you love your spouse and they love you, so everything that happens within a marriage must therefore be ok. In the same way that many women write on here of all the awful things their DH does and then go on to say oh but he is really a good dad because he plays with the kids etc, I can see DP struggling with yet another awful piece of behaviour from his ex, and trying to write it off as her being tired, or stressed or anything that does not mean he has to face up to the fact that she has always behaved badly towards him and that he just couldn't see it.

She is still very much in control of their divorce (won't stick to anything agreed, lies about where the process is at), she is a Disney mum which affects their kids, she tells lies about DP to friends and family to try and excuse her own actions etc. She instigated their split after a lengthy EA (he and I met well after they had separated). In the midst of this DP is trying to be the nice guy when he needs to stand up for himself, and his kids, a bit more, and basically to stop giving her the benefit of the doubt.

Does it matter? Will he get there for himself in the end? If I try to point out that her behaviour is not acceptable I am in danger of sounding like someone with an agenda, all I want is for him to be able to move forward with some dignity and to get their relationship on the equal footing it needs to be for the kids, whilst seeing that she isn't above board and honest. A very hard thing to admit about the mother of his children.

I suspect I may get flamed for the above, or be told that my perspective is skewed, but she is really a difficult person, which seems to be evident to most people, other than DP. Do I spell it out brutally, or leave it, or just try to support him as (when/if) realisation dawns?

I'm afraid your DP has to work this out for himself. Ideally, he should have resolved the divorce and got into a better place before embarking on a new relationship. It is obviously bothering you than it is bothering him and I suspect your motivation for asking this question is that you're more fed up with it than he is and want to see some progress.

Of course you can point out that her behaviour is unacceptable. Be as brutal as necessary. If he interprets your honestly held opinion as you having some kind of malicious agenda then you can conclude what you will about the quality of your relationship.

Thanks Cogito. I agree with what you're saying in theory though in practice things don't always work out so perfectly! Tbh, it's only since meeting me that he's realised what a "normal" healthy relationship should be - ie mutually respectful, loving, caring, grown up and not full of manufactured drama and one person having it all their way.

I don't think me pointing things out would be a problem for our relationship as such but it feels wrong to brutally elucidate the ways in which his ex manipulates and lies her way through things, because that's only going to make him feel stupid that he couldn't have seen it for himself. Yet it feels wrong, and yes frustrating for me, to stand back and see him worn down by the way in which she treats him. (You are right that I'd like him to move more quickly to a place of clarity.)

He obviously finds it difficult to judge her actions on their own merits (or lack of) rather than objectively, because she's always acted like this as far as I can tell and therefore his view of normality has got to come crashing down sooner or later I guess.

I'm not really sure if I'm asking anything here really, it is helpful to work it through though, and get opinions and insights. I've rarely come into contact with a person like his ex, and before I've had the luxury of walking away from them, whereas she will be a part of his and therefore my life to some extent for many years to come.

I'm a little worried that you paint him as this rather helpless, emotionally stunted creature who needed guidance to understand what a healthy relationship looks like from you and who is so fragile that, if you point out someone else's personality flaws, he's going to feel stupid. With respect, you're not his mother or his counsellor or his rescuer.... you're meant to be his equal partner. Be very careful about setting yourself up in the role of saviour. It can come back to bite you.

Thanks for coming back to this Cogito. You make fair points based on what I've said. DP isn't emotionally stunted or helpless, I suppose I just feel like it is a hard hard thing for someone to suddenly see the light and realise that what they had thought / told themselves was a good happy marriage was not all good and happy. Clearly lots of bits were good, but coming to realise that the person you chose to marry, with whom you had children, with whom you thought you would spend the rest of your life, was in fact a massive and ongoing error of judgement must be a very hard thing to handle, for anyone. And me pointing out how badly she continues to treat him, does it just speed up the process or does it rub salt in the wound?

Your point about me being a rescuer has given me pause for thought, am going to chew that one over a bit. I definitely do identify in myself a desire to demonstrate myself to him as the nicest, kindest, most reasonable partner, which isn't a bad thing in some degree but also results in us both being a bit passive too I think in terms of identifying when we are not happy with something (rare, we are happy and v well suited). I am aware that his ex runs roughshod over everyone's feelings and desires in order to get her own way, and I am worried that he is not used to speaking up if something isn't right (there was never any point in his marriage as she'd just go ahead with what she wanted anyway), so we are probably too polite with one another sometimes, or cautious might be a better word.

Thanks for taking the time to post, I will be offline for a while now but not disappearing.

very soon for him to be in a new relationship if he's still in the process of figuring out the truth of why his marriage failed. It's completely normal to only see things clearly after you're over it, so maybe he's not totally over it. Also, his eventual interpretation of what went wrong and why won't necessarily match your observations. Maybe he will accept some blame. Maybe not. Or maybe he will always blame his wife more than is fair, or maybe he'll forgive her and you won't be comfortable with that. But you seem to be too invested in to his view of his marriage and why it failed. ykwim? are you sure you want to be in a relationship with him, and trying to be his shrink while you're at it. I'd take a step back if I were you.

Ive just read your second post OP and it sounds like the first (and only, so far) relationship I had after splitting up from my awful x. The man I dated also felt like he'd been the victim in the marriage ending. so we were both very nice to each other. we were both very nice people being very nice to each other and it was all a bit relationship-paint-by-numbers if that makes sense. I think that's out of my system now! But it makes me think that cogito's comment to you about rescuing was really astute. I think that is a need after a bad relationship.