Living with ex to co -parent. crazy idea?

[qumquat]

P and I are splitting because we are friends rather than lovers. We are both devoted to dd ((6 months( I know. we were engaged, we thought we got on so well it was ridiculous to split up) and neither of us want to spend time apart from her. Our jobs and budgets mean we'd have to live on opposite fringes of London in tiny flats if we lived separately. Our jobs tie us to London, and changing careers would reduce our earnings further.

We never argue. We are perfect housemates, we just don't want to never have sex again, which is looking likely if we stay together. P is a hard working and committed dad, we share the childcare equitably. Can it ever work to live as housemates and co-parents? If it could work with jobs and budgets to live next door we would go for that, but it isn't possible. Are we being crazy to even consider this? At least for a few years while dd is so tiny. Dd would have both her parents 24/7, we would have each other to share bills and childcare. I was looking into single parent house shares, when I realised I'd much rather share with P than a stranger. I realise this could seriously hinder our chances of successfully meeting new partners. I imagine most people would run a mile...we'd also have to be open with dd about our relationship - not sure if that would mess her up thoroughly, but wonder if it's better than being the child who can't afford to go on the school trip or to have wifi at home etc. I guess I want to make an omelette without breaking eggs.

I think it's worth a shot. As long as you're absolutely sure that he's on the same page as you in terms of the no regrets, just good friends thing.

And if he tells you in a few months that he has a date and you hate it, you'll know then it's time to move on (and vice versa). But for now, with a small baby and the location/job issues, and given that you clearly still like each other a lot, I think it's worth trying.

If the friendship is still there than it can work but I think you need to sit down and talk about how it would work, how would bills work , when D child needs clothes, school trips, etc.

Also you need to talk about what if one of you met someone else. You might not be thinking about it now but it will probably happen to at least one of you in the future

qumquat - My exH and I do this, and it works beautifully. We've both been through the storms of our dysfunctional marriage together, and come out the other side with a deep friendship and the ability to communicate well together -- and both of those are connected. Our 7 year old DS loves the fact that we are both in the same house, and is clear that, while we love each other, we are not going to get married again. In fact, we both have other partners.

It's slightly unconventional, but I couldn't think of a better, more loving arrangement right now.

Whilst your dd is still so young maybe, but I think it has the potential to be really confusing for her as she gets older.

It won't be confusing for her. It will just be her normal.

Are you sure that you definitely don't want to be with him as a partner?

I ask because if you are good friends, have a child together, get on etc etc, is there no way the spark can be rekindled?

Many couples don't have sex for ages - months and months - after the birth of a child. I don't think you should underestimate the impact of stress, hormones and tiredness on a relationship either. I couldn't bear the thought of DH touching me for some months after giving birth personally and found the thought of him touching my breasts repulsive for ages ( I was breastfeeding)

Perhaps you should avoid making any big decisions for another year or so.

Ultimately I doubt it would work. I would be exceedingly unimpressed if I met your DP as a prospective partner in a few years down the line and found out he was still living with his so called XP. I doubt very much either of you would ever be able to forge new relationships whilst living together. I might be wrong but I reckon the odds are stacked against it.

It sounds like a lovely idea, in theory. I wonder if it would work well in practice. It is early days of splitting up and who knows how you will feel about your ex if he gets a new partner.

I for one would run a mile if I thought my potential new partner was living with his ex.

Also are you sure he feels the same way and is not just agreeing to this in some hope that you will get back together?

I think give it a go but be prepared to make difficult decisions if it doesn't work. It could spoil the level of friendship you have beyond repair.

Tryharder - If you approach all relationships from the point of view that they are going to fit some kind of conventional pattern, then there is little chance that you'd see that other models might work too. But they can, and they do.

Watching thread with interest. DH and I have drifted apart and have in effect been co-parenting for last 3 years. Separate lives and separate rooms though never formally split up. After living this way for so long, I'm not sure it would be easy to rekindle the spark. I do think it won't end well.

DH refuses to move out though he says I'm free to go but I don't want to leave without my children or deny my children the chance to live with their father. My family think I should just plod on like this until children are 18 but that doesn't seem fair on them anyway. It's quite a lonely position to be in.

Thank you all. I was expecting everyone to say I was mad! I'd love to hear more about your set up gatewalker

There are definite issues though. I think he does want to get back together, and so do I if I could only fancy him more, and we are both riddled with regret. We have tried everything over the years eg relate and sex therapy - why we didn't just split up I don't know now, it would have been so easy pre dd. I guess the irony is we stayed together as we knew we'd make a good parenting team, and we do, but becoming parents has made us realise that's not necessarily enough.

If you are both well-intentioned nice people, and you can both cope with the other one having sex with other people and agree the ground rules for this (away fixtures only for the moment?) then there's no reason why it wouldn't work.

There's no need for it to become 'confusing' for the child. It's quite good for DC to learn early on that families come in all shapes and sizes and that what makes a family a happy one is family members who treat each other well, not one particular heteronormative structure.

I think you've nothing to lose by trying whilst your dd is so young, as long as you can set some very clear 'exit criteria' to ensure that if it's not working the set up can be terminated without upsetting your dd.

It must be very clear that this is not a prelude to getting back together, so I would have dating rules (definitely away fixtures only), agree how finances are going to work, what you're going to tell friends and family, basically plan this thing properly. And write it all down and sign it.