I'm in a mess.

[Loomineer]

This will be very long. I'm sorry but I don't want to drip feed and I am going to be as honest as possible. I'd also like some honest non sugar coated replies if anyone gets far enough.

I need help. I know I do. I need to end my relationship. It's not good for me. I have posted before so this may be familiar but under a different username.

I have no self esteem. None. It feels like no matter how hard I try it's never enough. My relationship is a complete disaster. I don't want to have made yet another fuck up so I won't let myself let go of it.

I fell in love with my DP like I have never felt before. I started to think that maybe just maybe there could be something good in my life for once other than my dc. I thought maybe someone genuinely does like me and love me for who I am.

But it's not working. I'm not happy. I just keep trying to tell myself I am and make excuses. Because I don't want to be alone.

I split from my ex husband and went it alone with four kids. I'm not a coward. But something has changed in me. My life feels empty and without him it feels like I have nothing. Aside from my dc.

I'm lonely. Really lonely. I'm sad and have no self esteem. I don't speak to most of my family after going public about my child abuse earlier this year. I had a breakdown and counselling made me face up to things in my life. My family turned their backs on me over it.

I have two friends. One I don't see very often but have been friends for nearly thirty years. The other is my best mate and things are not great between us at the moment due to issues with her fiancé.

It feels like I have no one. No one to call when things get rough. No one to hug me when I am low. If I finish with my DP I will be totally alone and I'm scared of that. To feel the isolation.

So I won't leave. I will stay in my immature unreliable relationship because even that has to be better than being alone.

I split from him last week. Was doing well but then my son had an accident and I needed to get him to a and e. I couldn't get him there myself. I didn't drive. Had no money to my name. Had the three other kids to look after and no one to babysit. It got sorted but I felt such an utter failure. I didn't know what to do. I called him. And we ended up back together.

It's all about me isn't it. But my kids mean the world to me. This is why I know I can't carry on like this. I need to finish with him. And stay finished I am just scared. Scared that on my own I will be miserable and go through a breakdown again.

I have tried to make new friends. I will talk to anyone and help with anything. I tried to get an fb page going to support depression and anxiety. I started a website focused on positivity. But there was no interest. I'm nervous that there must be something wrong with me to have so few people in life.

I want to get out of this mess that's my life. I want a fresh start. I'd love to have people who cared and to care about. I just can't bring myself to end it.

Hello. Your first step to new friends is here. And please do what I did - I saw the light and appreciated that my children bring amazing friendship and companionship.

I hope you are ok. Dump the loser.

You have four children who adore you. Thats a start.

I think you have to try and stop patching the void with a partner. Start learning to like yourself. Is there anything you'd like to try? A college course? A hobby? Join the pta if your desperate ( im the secretary of ours so I am desperate too!) Some voluntary work? I know these things rely on money and childcare but worth looking into.

You say you had counselling to deal with abuse. That is good. There are other types of counselling that can help with your self esteem and day to day life. Talk to your gp about being referred for cbt.

I think the support fb page sounded like a great idea. But often I find j can't be around other people with depression. I suffer from depression and anxiety. When im down I don't want to see anyone.

You sound articulate and fun. Maybe just stop trying to please others all the time and start learning to love yourself

You will not be alone, you have your lovely DC's by your side and when you need to gossip/rant/laugh/cry then MN is a great place to do it.

Have you always had low self-esteem or is it connected to your relationship?

If this man makes you unhappy please just walk away being on your own really is better than being miserable, life is way too short for that!

Are you on Facebook at all? We have a local mums page where we can chat and have fortnightly meet ups if there isn't one you could think about starting one.

As for the A&E incident I've been there, it doesn't make you a failure most of us don't think about these things and I for one didn't. Intact I had to walk 2 miles with my 4yo who had just had his head glued back together because in my rush to get to hospital I forgot to grab my purse and phone. Now I keep an emergency £10 in the cutlery drawer.

Are your family completely cut off? It may be worth reaching out to someone you can trust to help you through this.

There is nothing wrong with you, sometimes our heads just get a little hazy and it makes life hard to navigate :)

I need to. I really do. We are never going to have the happy ever after I keep convincing myself we will. We are engaged. We are due to move in together in the future. But we have split up so many times.

After the breakdown I don't cope very well with being on my own. I also feel very worthless and think I am just annoying. A woe is me martyr.

We fell out two nights ago. He told me about his friends sons. One has been accused of exposing himself to the other. Different sons and one much older. Dp told me the mother was crazy and the police decided she had mental health issues. I asked him if he thought there could be any truth in the matter at all. He went crazy. Told me id made a big mistake believing it wasn't lies even though I hadn't said that.

I said to him surely that's the first question anyone thinks of in child abuse. I have also been abused and not believed. But it was a question not a statement. He told me I wasn't the only person to be abused and that my problem was that I needed to learn to keep my opinions to myself.

We are still together. I am just resigned today. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to be treated like that. I'm scared if I am alone I will have a breakdown again. Stalemate.

You need to be able to talk honestly in a good relationship, I think, not have to keep stuff to yourself.

I am in the highlands and am not aware of any meetups. I am going to college again in August. It feels like a lifetime away.

I can't tell anyone what's going on. The people that supported me through my breakdown. I got back with him and brought this on myself. I can't expect them to support me again.

Loomineer I'm in Moray so maybe you are near?

Nearby but don't drive sadly. Honestly though. I'd love to meet new people. But I'd just be scared they would hurt me. I'm my own worst enemy.

Oh that's a shame, I don't drive either or I'd have suggested meeting up for coffee or something.

I think as harsh as it sounds being on your own for a while may be a good thing for you, take some time for you and learn to see the positives in yourself and your life.

Its not the same as RL support I know but you can get lots of virtual support on here when you need to talk things through and when you feel a bit more comfortable within yourself you can venture out to meet new people.

You sound perfectly fine to me :)

Thanks squtter that's really kind of you.

I have so much going for me. I do have my children. I do have college. But no faith or confidence left.

So I have had a long chat with my mother. She's been amazing.

I have to end it for good this time. I've been trying to be really really honest with myself and it's not been easy.

When my family and I fell out my self esteem vanished too. I felt like I had no one but my DP. I felt like noone wanted me around but him.

After my cancer scare I developed anxiety about being on my own. I was worried something would happen and no one would know or find me until after the weekend. In effect I became very vulnerable and with him wanting to stay pretty much every night I felt safe.

We are not right for each other. My DP associates with people that take substances and that is not my scene at all. He blows hot and cold and doesn't know what he wants half the time. I do. He is still very carefree. I have responsibilities. I like to see the good in people. He writes people off.

So I have ended it with him. Which is nothing new. This isn't the hard part. The hard part is staying ended.

Hi OP.

This is the hard bit, yes. This is the bit where you know what comes next and will want to avoid it. But you can't if you want to change your life, build your confidence in yourself and make healthier relationship decisions in the future.

Sadness, fear of the unknown, insecurity, doubt, yearning…..all a part of grief and you simply cannot experience loss without the mourning which follows. It's a natural human process.

You have the love of your DC's and your DM (and probably more folk than that). Remind yourself of that when you feel you can't do this on your own - because you're not alone.

I'm struggling this morning already. He was going to come down tonight and we were going to take the kids swimming.

The kids go on holiday with their dad for ten days. I don't even know what I will do with myself.

I just feel like crying.