how can I approach my boyfriend about legal/practical matters?

[lucyB456]

My boyfriend of 3 years and I have cut out contraception, not "trying" for a baby as such but ready for that to happen. We're in out early/mid 30's. We live together, and I took a big hit career-wise to move to his home town where he now works. We have a great time together: a great social life, holidays, and semi domestic-bliss...however...I fear our situation should become more 'definite' seeing as we might soon stop being just a 'couple' and start being a family. Obviously this has been our plan all along, and neither of us are bothered with marriage (this was my doing initially, thinking it was a pointless institution and that I would rather spend the money on travelling, now, I'm not so sure!). The thing is, he doesn't want to address the issue of if we broke up or if something happened to one of us down the line...he just says I worry too much. He doesn't appreciate that, while my loss of income and job prospects based on our location is a small thing now, it might be bigger down the line. For example, we have our own bank accounts and just buy our own stuff, pay our own halves of the rent...I am able to do this because I do temp work. But I am not entitled to maternity leave nor am I guaranteed that anyone will hire me if/when I become pregnant. I feel quite insecure, with no guaranteed income and no savings, and to be honest I'm starting to feel a bit resentful of his laid-back attitude. I don't want to sleep-walk into a position where I am very vulnerable financially. If I mention it though he just gets offended, saying he'll never "leave me short" and what sort of a person do I think he is...that he'll never leave. I'm not saying he will, but I feel like with children I need to be sure. My father left the family when I was very young, leaving my mother in a terrible position. I don't want to make the same mistake!! Can anyone offer any advice? Am I worrying about nothing?

How do you think it'll go down with him?

Good luck.

Propose!
I used to be the same as you and believe marriage was outdated and boring.
Its also the most convenient way of securing your rights in a long term relationship, which is why I did it in the end.
Plus you get to have a party. It could be your last piss up before you fall pregnant!
Have a "free spirited" ceremony if you must. Quick dash to the registry office, then drinks in the pub. No fuss needed. But get it done!
Its clear your DH doesn't fancy piecing together some sort of "bespoke" agreement with a solicitors office and who can blame him, what a faff! I bet you could sell him on a wedding though! Go get married!

*...he'll never "leave me short" and what sort of a person do I think he is...that he'll never leave."

This is exactly the script they stick to. "They" are the men who've reduced three women known to me personally to complete beggars. No.1 married a younger man and when he met someone of childbearing age put HER on the house deeds. No. 2 helped her spend her inheritance on his failing business. No. 3 threw her out of the tied house the day he retired, because she was no longer an unpaid co-worker.

Get in writing.

I don't want to sleep-walk into a position where I am very vulnerable financially

You aren't 'sleepwalking'. You're going into this with your eyes wide open. No husband, no security, just a live in lover who could change his mind about the relationship at the drop of a hat. The urge to have babies is very strong. Women are very strong and they survive when things go tits up. That's good.

Problem is, no-one knows what's round the corner.

My DH died in his 40s, leaving me with two teenagers, a mortgage, loans and bills etc. I hadn't worked for over 15 years (other than pin money jobs) so wasn't exactly a major "catch" in the job market. Were it not for the critical illness cover and a couple of insurance policies, I don't know how I would have managed. Thing is, my DH had a good job, a good level of income and never left me short and I was reasonably secure, i.e. was married, was on the deeds to the house etc, but this was cut short unexpectedly and my "secure life" became anything but.

It's all very well taking risks when young and healthy, but things change. Please don't leave yourself vulnerable, if your partner won't take the lead on this, start looking at life insurance and/or critical illness policies yourself and then push one under his nose to sign! Think about Wills (mumblechum here can help), make sure your name is on the deeds/tenancy. Start saving, even if just a small monthly amount to begin with. Think about what work you could do if you ever find yourself having to provide for yourself/your child, and consider training courses to keep up-to-date so that prospective employers are attracted to your CV.

I am sure your boyfriend is probably just not aware of what might happen in these scenarios because he's never had to think about stuff like this, much the same as you really. But you're thinking about it now whereas your DP still hasn't. It's not intentional but I think you know you'll have to lead him financially and make him aware that if you want to have a child, then certain plans need to be in place to protect the family should the worst happen.