Could a split ruin my kids for life?

[runa]

I don't think I have ever felt so completely alone or unhappy and I am worried about the effect the horrible atmosphere we have at home is affecting my children (6 and 3).

After seven years I just cannot stand to be in the same room as my husband. He has been faithful, as far as I know, but is sullen, distant, difficult, put it this way, I feel like I could do better and wonder how we ever got together in the first place. At some point we must have been happy but I think that may have been way back in the early 90s and that was probably due to the fact you don;t have to talk much when you're clubbing and ecstasy definitely helps.

We are in a financial mess of his doing - the bank closed our joint account on Thursday because he has made such a mess of his sole and business accounts. Now I have no bank account, debts and feel like it's the perfect moment to start again. My son asked if we should buy another house so that dad could live there and we wouldn't have to argue ever again. I could have broken down. How sad is that, when a six year old thinks he's making a helpful suggestion like that?

IS IT BETTER TO HAVE DIVORCED PARENTS WHO FUNCTION SEPARATELY AND GET ON, OR PARENTS TOGETHER WHO ARE COLD, DISTANT AND DESPERATELY UNHAPPY???

I am so stuck. I love my kids and I can't stand this

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I won't comment on the rest of it, but coming from parents who split when I was 7, I don't think it had a negative effect on me or my life, or my four sisters lives either. If you are both unhappy, then either do something about it, or go your separate ways.

it most definitely is imo

i couldnt bear the effect it was having on my kids, they are much more settled now there is no tension and only one parent in the house

you will be doing them many favours i think, if you do split, one of those showing them that you are able to be happy without a partner, and anopther being that another person has no right to make you that unhappy

also think what signals it sends out to your kids about the sort of relationship they should look for, if you stay together

good luck

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I don't have any personal experience of this, but I would say on balance it is better to split than have an unsalvageable, permanently poisoned atmosphere at home. But first, IMO, you need to be sure that there is no other way out.
Are you sure things between you are unsalvageable? Would your h go to Relate? Would you? Money troubles put an enormous stress on any relationship - we've only ever had quite moderate ones and that was bad enough. Have you been to the CAB? I don't think you would necess be financially better off if you split.
Could your h possibly be depressed? He sounds like he might be.

hello darling!

Agree with everyone.

Sounds like you have a very intelligent 6 year old there bless him. I don't often get emotional on here but reading that has brought tears to my eyes.

At least you know you have us lot to support you hun no matter what your decision is xx

Oh, and to answer the question in your thread title - no, a split won't ruin your kids, while staying together with a terrible atmosphere and bitterness between you that really does go on and on could be really quite damaging.

Who ever it was that came up with "staying together for the kids sake" is a complete arse!

Here here NJ

it was probably a man who realised he had f*cked up big time, and used the kids as his way of keeping the wife

I believe that your children would EVENTUALLY be happier with the two of you separated, but you need to go into this with your eyes open. I've handled a couple of thousand divorces over the years, and have noted that there's a distinct pattern to how kids of under 8 respond. First, when you tell them that you're splitting, they may seem to take it remarkably well, only asking a couple of practical questions, such as where everyone's going to live. They'll then quietly fester away for a few days, then ask more questions, often repeating the same q's to check the consistancy of your answers. At some point, it's pretty much inevitable that there'll be blazing rows between you and your dh, even after you've separated and the kids will prob. be aware of them no matter how hard you try to protect them. It's very common at this stage for kids to revert to younger behaviour, eg bedwetting on Sun nights after contact with dad, misbehaviour at school, not doing so well at school, and generally having a tough time.
The good news, after all this doom and gloom, is that one day you'll realise that, without really noticing it, the kids have settled back down again and have adjusted, probably faster than you have. The point I'm trying to make is that yes, it sounds as tho' the children would be happier in the long run if you split (but obviously they need to see their dad regularly), but be prepared for a very tough time with them first.

I wish my parents had split when I was 6 - instead it rumbled on with arguments, tension, and general unpleasantness for another 11 years. I don't have a relationship with my Dad because he's an arse, but if they had split up earlier he might not have been, iyswim.

Really horrible situ to be in. I left my husband in Jan with 4 children in desperation one evening when me & kids cracked, their unhappiness made me go in the end. Please go to CAB. Plan your leave but do leave. You and your children cannot live in this atmosphere even if you try to sort things when seperate. I know this is awful to feel this way and a huge dilemma on your part. Mine hasn't been easy at all but so worthwhile cos the kids were suffering hugely with the atmosphere. They are happy now. 6 year old does struggle n cry but only when back from dad, then she settles again. thats heartbreaking but easier than a strained home. You can be housed on housing benefit if need be. it's not so bad. kids want happy mums! good luck, let us know.

Hi Runa. My DS's were 6 and 3 when my husband left. It was hard for us all but now we are all happier than we have ever been.
The little one still gets a bit sad sometimes but he can't even really remember his dad living with us and I would rather have that than he remembered the terrible fights (like DS2 does)
They really really do bounce back and in the long term whats worse? Desperately unhappy mum and a chikdhood filled with tension or a single happy mum and a calm peaceful childhood?
No brainer really.
Good luck.

Also i think, like serenity says, it generally doesn't get better you just muddle through and nobody is really happy. Before you know it kids have grown up remembering an unhappy home and then you split anyway after years of unhappiness for the sake of doing what you think is 'right'. Its clear you need space at the very least. Reports show that among 9/11 survivors divorce rate is high cos they see they need to live for now not stay years in an unhappy relationship just cos it's the right thing to do.

Definately better to have two happy parents, and them apart. (BTDT - my only negative effect bit is down to my dad being an unfaithful husband, not them splitting iyswim)

Yes it is better that you are happy and your kids are brouhgt up with a good example of what a good, successful relationship is like for them to copy in the future.

DD was about 2 years and 4 months when she said 'Daddy stop hitting mummy' - bit more drastic than your situation but from that moment on I thought I will not let her go through this and think that this is normal.

i would try relate or marriage care before leaving, (the only exception being if there is fear in the relationship or risk of emotional/ physical abuse). it is hard i think for a man to stuff up at work. some men think that work is the only thing they can do to support a family and when that goes wrong they feel like such a failure. If depression takes hold, they are exactly the things you describe, 'sullen, distant, difficult'. Just a thought.

Thank you everyone - I have cried reading your wondeful posts.
I really appreciate you taking the time to help.

Runa, it's a cliche, but it's better to come from a broken home than live in one.....my parents divorced when I would have been about 6, I didn't get it really, and was upset at the time, but retrospectively, God they were miserable. I think kids are prone to thinking it's somehow their fault, so if you do take the plunge bear that in mind, much reassurance needed for the wee ones. Good luck

Runa, I haven't read all the other posts but would like to tell you one thing about myself which, imho, is very telling. My parents split when I was 13. Out of 25 odd kids in my class there were 3 of us with divorced parents. I can tell you categorically that the one person I was jealous of was not the 22 with parents who were together (even the ones who were happily together) but the one girl whose parents handled their divorce like adults, putting the children first. They spoke to one another, they went to parents evenings together, they were both there at her birthday parties, and she visited her father regularly. As a 13 year old I could cope with the concept of divorce - what screwed me up is that as far as I could see, my father didn;t leave my mum, he left us. I guess what I'm saying is that a well-handled divorce may well be better than an unhappy home. But, if I were in your shoes, I would want to be assured that I'd tried every other avenue first. Good luck.