Really don't like myself

[Wargghhhh]

I don't know what to do to make myself feel better! I've always disliked myself and suffered from appalling self esteem. When I was younger I drank a lot and took various drugs, just to make myself more 'interesting' as I felt I was very boring/shy/quiet etc.

Now in my 40s with great kids and a lovely husband and I am still suffering. It's quite ridiculous. I also sadly still binge drink as I get nervous in social situations, and therefore sometimes make a bit of a tit of myself, which in turn makes me feel worse!

I've taken a bit of a step back from Facebook in a bid to make myself feel better and that does help a bit, but then I start feeling isolated and left out and start looking at it again. But then I start comparing myself to all those other mums who are 'sorted' have lots of friends and can get through social events without getting ridiculously drunk.

There's a thread on here about writing something you 'like' about yourself and I am really struggling to think of something. I feel sad that I'm the age I am and I still dislike myself. I've tried CBT and it's not really worked.

Any advice?

I think you need to get to the root of why you don't like yourself.
And also focus on the things that you do like about yourself.

You say you are boring / shy / quiet. We're all boring at times and there is nothing wrong in being shy and quiet.

If you have great kids and a lovely husband you must be more than an OK person. Because you are devaluing them and dismissing their feelings by thinking yourself uninteresting.

Would you lovely husband put up with an awful, boring person? Why would he have married one in the first place? To your children you (and DH) are the most important people in the whole wide world. They don't need you to be perfect, they just need you to be who you are.

I sympathise. Battling poor self-esteem can be a life-long struggle but - like anything else you find difficult - one that gets easier with practice.

You can already like yourself for being perceptive and willing to tackle difficult things!

There are lots of things you can do; you will find the combination that works best for you. Lots of people find help from:

• hobbies / personal achievements that makes you feel effective, and proud of yourself.

• meditation / mindfulness

• therapy

• sports / physical exercise (does great things to your mood)

• positive mantras, gratitude lists...

• cultivating a circle of friends

• having pre-rehearsed things you can do in difficult moments - eg. think now about what you could do instead of drinking to feel at ease in social situations, run it in your head like watching a play, so that you can put it in practice at the next occasion

• I know you said CBT didn't work, but you should try CBT tools whenever you're tempted to compare yourself with others

• generally just savouring life's joys; stop to smell the roses, get out of your own head...

Trouble is with that sort of feeling (which I'm all too familiar with!) is that it involves putting other people down, too, by implication. If your husband says you are beautiful (or whatever) and you kind of think he must be a bit bonkers to say that, or dismiss it as just one of those things people say, then that's undermining your husband, isn't it? Whereas at least part of you knows that your husband is a fine specimen of humanity with pretty good judgement! When you look at your feelings logically they make no sense.

Personally I find I've improved from getting certain achievements that I can't deny - in my case especially as I got a qualification and work I wanted. Setting realistic goals and then working towards them can give you that on a daily basis, whether it's making a nice meal or running a marathon.

I don't think the feelings ever completely go away, though; they might just become more manageable. And you have good and bad days, which is worth reminding yourself of when you're feeling particularly stupid...

Well done for making it through the drugs and drink stage and getting a family. Now you should probably seek some professional help to find the root of your self-esteem issues.

Either privately go to a counsellor or more 'way-out' things like regression or hypnotherapy or go to your Doctor (if you don't mind it being on your records) and get referred.

Sometimes it helps to be more outward looking and for a while not focus on you inside your body, but the outside world and where you fit in and play your part. Its difficult at first, but just try, to see if it helps look at you from another perspective...

Suddenly you see new things like those DC that you helped to give life to, your DH who must care for you to have your family together. You describe them as lovely, well you contributed towards that loveliness, the way you are bringing them up, the care you have to give them.

This is just the start, there are other things you contribute towards, that without you they would not be there, or at least wouldn't be the same. You must have your head screwed on right, you gave Facebook the big heave-ho, its the playground of the deluded who want to paint their "perfect life" when we all know it's only the snapshot they stage-manage

Maybe less of the beating yourself up, eh?

I have a suggestion. If you can't actually bring yourself to 'like yourself', instead focus on things you're happy about or proud of that you've had a hand in. If you can't think of these, ask a friend to point them out to you.

Another suggestion is to act like the person you wish you were. Dig deep into The Method, think of qualities you admire in others and slip that personality round your shoulders like a cloak. That's the 'fake it until you make it' school of thought.

I'm glad you've stopped comparing yourself to others. A phrase I like is 'comparison is the thief of joy' and it's so true that it could be the Facebook motto. :)

Thank you for all your lovely and kind responses, I shall try and take them on board!

Presumably you have some friends, yes? What sort of person are you to them?

Are you the one they come to when they want a sympathetic ear? Are you the 'drop everything to help a best mate type'? Are you the one with a critical eye when you go clothes shopping together? Are you the one that can keep a secret because you are trustworthy and loyal. Or the share a botte and have a good laugh with type? Try to think what your friends would say about you if someone asked them.

Of course you have a hubby and family but I think you also need to think outside of this rather than just 'loving wife and mum' type thing, though that is of course important.

Yep Deathray I have friends and I try to be a good friend, but I often think they prefer other people and would rather be with them than with me.. (yep, there's the old self esteem again). I'm trustworthy and completely loyal but expect a lot from people and often feel let down. I need to chill really, but it's difficult... !