how do you let go of your anger and forgive? (long post)

[raggybaggy]

My DH is a difficult and demanding character. We've been married 11 years and over those years he's sometimes behaved pretty badly.
I always thought that over time I would be able to forget and forgive. But this isn't the case. In fact over time, the compounded incidents have just made me feel angrier and even more bitter. To the point that now I have a hard time suppressing it. But the thing is, what is the point in bringing up things that have happened years ago? I should have dealt with it by now shouldn't I? Or at least the memory of that behaviour should have faded shouldn't it?

So what am I so enraged about?

1. 10 years ago (see this is ridiculously long ago), when I was pregnant and when our DC was a baby, I'm pretty sure my DH had an affair or maybe affairs. I was convinced of it at the time but he denied it of course. Many times he simply didn't come home at night. He almost confessed it once when he was really drunk but then denied it later. His general behaviour at that time was as if he was in total denial of being married/becoming a parent.

1. I got badly cut-up during childbirth and found sex really painful afterwards. I just couldn't take the pain. About 5 months of this, DH gave me the ultimatum "you've got 6 months to sort this out or I'm going to divorce you". I sorted it out. But the manner in which he made me deal with it was so horrible, I just never forgave him for it. Oh yes and he never did a single night feed either, so I was like a zombie at that time.

1. 2 years ago he begged me to have another child. I agreed, somewhat reluctantly as I thought he'll just go and have another affair if I'm pregnant and powerless. I got pregnant straight away. 7 days after I tole him the good news (me up the duff), he stayed out all night and came home with love bites on his neck. Me already feeling morning sickness and just in denial about what a f** fool I am, forgive him and accepts his explanation that he had too much to drink with colleagues, one of whom gave him a lovebite in full view of other colleagues in a pub. He then spent the night on the sofa of one of his other female colleagues. I sucked all this up and tried to deal with it. But not very well. I don't really drink but went out with my family a few weeks later (who didn't know I was pregnant), got incredibly drunk and promptly miscarried at 3 months. I was forbidden by him to tell anyone anything about this. So had to kind of get over it with just him for support. He did actually do everything he could to support me at that point.

1. We work together and have a business we've set up together. His earnings are more than mine but I do a considerable amount of his background work to enable him to do his job. He says he couldn't do it without me, which I think is probably true. At our last accountants meeting, he bigged himself up so much and made it sound like I do nothing but the business admin. To such an extent that my accountant phoned me up a few weeks later and offered me a few hours work doing some filing. It was nice of her to ask, but I have a profession which I only do part time because of being a mum. But this just confirmed to me how belittling he is of me. I felt so humiliated.

He has apologised for all these incidents. But I can't forgive him or let them go. I don't know how to move forward with my life because I'm simmering with anger.

Although have to say I suddenly feel better having just written all of this down. I'de be grateful for any advice xx

" I should have dealt with it by now shouldn't I?"

As people, we are the sum total of our experiences. We learn from our mistakes and, if we have a bad experience, we try to avoid a repeat. It's basic survival and common sense.

The man you're describing is abusive. He has behaved extraordinarily badly down the years and, despite apologies, doesn't appear to have any intention of changing or acknowledging how bad it is. It seems to have been a pretty regular cycle of him treating you with zero respect, subjecting you to abuse (particularly the sex after childbirth incident which sounds utterly disgusting), humiliation. screwing around with OWs .... followed by a quick meaningless 'sorry' and then you're expected to just forget all about it and move on. Does that sound reasonable to you?

Some things simply cannot be forgiven. You would be a fool to 'get over it'. Bury them the way you have been doing and you achieve two things a) his contempt and b) your complete loss of self-respect. You'd have every justification in telling him to leave.

well, reading all that, I cannot imagine why you are still with him. So I guess the question for you is whether or not there is a whole list of positives that you haven't told us, which make you want to work it out and stay with him, or if really this is the cold hard view of your relationship.

I believe in forgiveness and that couples can get past mistakes and bad events, but it does assume that the event (eg an affair) is a one off, and that the getting past it includes an acknowledgement of fault, and a change of behaviour. None of that is evident here.

well sometimes things are good. So once our DS got to be a toddler things recovered a lot. But then when he messed up again when I got pregnant 2nd time around, it just re-awoke all the old issues.

Since then we've got on alright, but it just angers me that I'm not going to have another child because I can't trust him to behave well. Rightly or wrongly, I've married him and my son adores him and he's a good dad. I don't want my son to suffer as I did when my own parents divorced, cos I know that damaged me and it could damage him too.

I know that for all his faults, he tries to be a good man and usually succeeds. I do want our marriage to work. I know I'm not perfect although the things I mess up are not kind of headlines like the stuff he's done. So the thing is, I want it to work out and I want to be able to forgive this stuff because I do believe he is really sorry and ashamed for what he's done. But I have not been able to let it go but I don't know what I would need from him or myself in order to move on. So I guess that it what I'm really looking for help with...
xx

I'd leave him. He doesn't sound very nice. Six months to sort yourself out? That's just horrible.

"Rightly or wrongly, I've married him and my son adores him and he's a good dad. I don't want my son to suffer as I did when my own parents divorced, cos I know that damaged me and it could damage him too"

Points 2 and 3, infact all that you cite, are all very bad indeed.

What would it actually take for you to actually leave this individual?.

You do not have to make your bed and lie in it. If anyone has "failed" here it is your H. Some inherent needs of yours here are being met by him, that along with fear of striking out on your own keeps you within this.

Is this really the role model of a relationship you want to show your child. What do you think he is being taught about relationships here.

Is he really a good dad if your H has treated you so abysmally and continues to do so?. Women often write the good dad comment as well when they can say nothing positive about their man. He may be a so called good dad (and again he is not) but he is certainly not a good husband for your son to potentially emulate himself. I think you kid yourself in telling your own self that he tries to be a good man, that's your own denial talking here. He knows full well that you are a complete pushover, he can do anything within this marriage and get away with it because he has seen already that you do not give him any consequences for his actions.

I hate this man and I've never even met him

I think that to continue swallowing your hurt and anger at the appalling way he has treated you would require a lobotomy, tbh

"I want to be able to forgive this stuff"

Forgiving depends a lot on the behaviour of the other person. They have to earn your trust and show remorse. It's really not enough that you believe he is sorry and ashamed when his behaviour carries on in the same arrogant, selfish way.

If you think the only way you damage a child is to get divorced, please think again. Your DS is growing up in a home where there is unresolved anger, bitterness and ongoing abusive behaviour. That's a really damaging environment. A 'good dad' would not belittle a child's mother or sexually abuse her after giving birth.

And as for thinking you have to put up with all this 'rightly or wrongly' just because you're married I'm afraid that's a really unhealthy way to position yourself in a relationship. It's clear that you are motivated not to repeat the mistakes your parents made but would you consider personal counselling to help you work out why you think you deserve to be treated so horribly?

What is the point, this is not a relationship, it's laughable you think separating would harm your child when this is the environment - a really toxic one. No idea why you rate yourself so low but who needs enemies if this is what your so called husband does to you.

Seriously OP, either suck it up and drain any positive force you have left or, do the right thing and move on, I'd rather live in a hut on my own than have to share my life with that cretin.

OP, I know you want it to work but it's like trying to fit the wrong shape into a jigsaw puzzle, it will never work because essentially your OH treats you like dirt and carries on like jack the lad, it's not a marriage, it's not even a normal respectful relationship so what is it you are saving - his guilt, nothing else.

"I was forbidden by him to tell anyone anything about this. "

Is he in the habit of 'forbidding' you from doing other things? Being hurt by someone, bullied into keeping their dirty secrets and then put in the position of having to rely on that self same person is the most appalling emotional abuse. He wasn't supporting you through a miscarriage, he was protecting his own arse.

some things you can't forgive or get over - and neither should you be expected to.

Get yourself as far away as you can - and sorry but you may need STI testing too.

I think that the first step for you is to get rid of the anger somewhere. Google for tips. I have seen thumping pillows, and boxing bags mentioned amongst other things.

Second step. Do you want to stay with him? He has had affairs, so you dont have to in anyones' book.

Third step. You dont have to forget. But on the other hand, if you are going to stay with him, holding on to his past misdemeanours wont help the relationship. Hard I know.

Fourth step. Be careful or sure that you think that his apology is sincere.

Fifth step. Do you think that he fully intends not to stray again? And indeed does intend to mend his ways?

Sixth step. Good luck. And there may be hiccups along the way.

Seventh step. The household that your DS is left in needs to be a peaceful one.

"I have seen thumping pillows, and boxing bags mentioned amongst other things."

If anything needs to be thumped it's the DH! The stress and anger the OP is feeling is the visceral impotence and frustration of not being able to hurt him the way he has repeatedly and viciously hurt her. Living in civilised society as we do, she's not legally entitled to smack him across the face of course. That would be wrong. But she is hamstrung by her own fear of separation so much that she is not prepared to hurt him in any other way either. She won't express herself, she keeps his secrets and she swallows her pain. Again and again and again. She thinks she is in the wrong for being unable to forgive. What does she get for all this sacrifice? The arrogant little shit talking her down to an accountant.

She is not 'holding onto his past misdemeanours', she is dealing with 11 years of pretty sustained abuse.

I have only been able to let go of what exH did to me and sort of forgive him because I am no longer with him.