I'm worried we'll be socially isolated!

[dodi1978]

Hi,

just a bit of background: my DH and I have been together for five years, married for one and an almost one year old DS.

I love my DH with all that's worth and he is a brilliant dad to DS. I would never ever entertain to leave him even if the kinds of things that I'm going to describe get touch - I couldn't bear him not seeing his son every day. Plus, I really do love him.

But here it comes: DH grew up in a quite insular household. I thin it's mainly his dad who is very suspicious of people. DH never had friends around for playing etc. He was in the RAF for a few years which brought him out of his shell a bit, and when we met, we went out a lot (most often with my friends / colleagues). However, he didn't really make friends of his own since he moved to the town where we currently live (about 5 1/2 years ago).

Add to this that we are currently renovating our house. Which means that he is working on the house in every free moment, whilst I do all the housework (and I am back to work full time) and look after DS. Sometimes, I just need a break, and I've met up with a couple of people I met during maternity leave recently. Often, their partners were there, too. DH always stayed at home, partly because he is working on the house, partly because he doesn't want to mingle with people he doesn't know. I feel very selfish when I get out on my own, but I would go stir-crazy without any outside contact. DH says he doesn't mind, but I still feel guilty.

Having DS, is making going out and making my old friends (which DH knows and is comfortable with) even more difficult. I joined an NCT antenatal and postnatal group to get some more social interaction. Unfortunately, the antenatal group has sort of broken up a bit. The postnatal group is still going strong, but he has of course not been involved in it.

Yesterday, one member of the postnatal group had a garden party. DH very reluctantly agreed to come along. In the end, we went there for about ninety minutes, DH made pleasant enough conversation, but it was clear he didn't enjoy himself.

What I am really worried about is the future. I am by nature quite a social person. Plus, want DS to have friends (which might involve some mingling with their parents). Any advice at all? Has anybody dealt with something similar? Should I just go to these socials on my own (and not feel guilty about it)?

DH and I are very different on many other levels (for instance, I like travelling, DH not so much). How do you deal with this in a relationship so that everybody gets to enjoy life?

My dp isn't a great socialiser particularly with new people- basically we muddle through and I go to thinks on my own. It's fine- give and take also just cos your married doesn't mean you have to go everywhere together

My partner is quite antisocial - though he differs from your DH in that when he's out, you'd never guess.

I think the only solution is to go out, guilt-free, alone. The good thing is that there's always someone at home with the kids.

If you've married someone who is introverted or anti-social and you're the polar opposite then you're simply going to have to knock ideas of guilt on the head, get out there solo and build yourself a social life. No point dragging someone along who is just going to be miserable. Similar applies to having visitors to your home.

My partner is introverted, not necessarily antisocial but doesn't seem to need friends the way others do.
He's happy for me to go out on my own with friends occasionally while he looks after the kids. If something 'couply' is happening he'll come along for the ride.
It does mean that all the socialising in the family is down to me- and whilst I am an extrovert and enjoy company I'm not sure I'm all that good at it!
In a previous relationship with a much more sociable partner it meant that I got a ready made group of friends through him, so it doubled my social life overnight.
Also it doesn't help that my current partner moved cities to be with me, so all his old friends are still in his old city and he's not really made any new ones here.

I don't see why this should be a problem really. Most couples I know socialise individually, and it's common for the man to be less sociable and stay home more. DH and I are equally 'insular', we have our own activities which we enjoy, but socialising is a secondary part of it. I don't feel any guilt in doing things without him, or not attending things that he wants to go to, and don't see why you'd feel it really.

My DH has PTSD from his Army career, as a result he struggles socially, particularly in busy places or large groups. I am a social person, and for the first nine years of our relationship so was he, until he became ill.

I sometimes feel guilty for going out, but I would really suffer psychologically and emotionally if I stayed in all the time, more so because I am a sahm to a toddler.

I always give him the opportunity to come with me, always say yes to anything he wants to go to together or on his own and I still go out. He wouldn't dream of letting his illness impact even further on my life than it already does.

I don't think you'llbe socially isolated, as your DH isn't manipulating you into not going, and doesn't misbehave when he is out.

But there are bound to be times when you are out with other couples and feel a bit wistful about it? Part of our relationship is socialising together and discussing events afterwards. It's nice to have that person at a gathering that you can give a knowing glance to.

Also when it's a family invite are you going to do the whole thing by yourself?

Thanks for the answers. Yes, it is really the 'couple' things that I'm worried about. At yesterday's NCT barbecue, everybody had their partner with them (although I don't know how many of them were just dragged along). I don't always want to go to these events on my own, but maybe I just have to get used to this.

Similarly, I just may have to get used to the idea of doing 'days out' with DS on my own, especially for things DH doesn't like doing (i.e. "Diggerland" ok together, National Trust stuff on my own). DH also is about OCD about things (e.g. cycling and then going to a café / pub without showering first - ok for me, unthinkable for him!). I'll just have to do things like that on my own so that DS doesn't develop the same hang-ups.

And inviting people over to ours - I'll put my foot down on this. At the moment, DH is a bit ashamed about the state of our house as most of it is still in tatters. I hope we'll have a lot more work done by the time DS realistically has 'friends' to take home to play dates, but he will have play dates!!!

Sigh...

But it will be ok! And no guild from now on!!!!

Any other words of wisdom about living with and loving somebody who is very different are welcome!

Recognise your differences. Make sure he understands you need to have contact with people. Make sure you understand that he doesn't.

Then go out to see people. Don't pressure / guilt / helpfully suggest that he comes too - just go. We have an agreement that I will keep my 'helpful' suggestions to myself (I worry that he is very isolated, but these suggestions make him worry that he is letting me down by not coming out with me), and DH has promised that he will speak up if he does ever want to join me in my social life (which helps me keep my trap shut).

When people ask after him (they will!), keep your head held high and say "yes, he's well" (or whatever). They are (usually) making polite conversation and don't actually give a toss why he's not there. To the ones that do actually care, you can explain that you are a people person, he is not and he needs some time to himself.

Go! You'll be doing him a favour. I am very, very introverted. My DH is not. I actively need him to go out and do sociable things to give me time at home alone.

It's not the social isolation I'd worry about, you seem clued up and know your mind.
The main worry is the resentment you'll feel years down the line. Mine gets dragged out 2-3 times a year and then spends some time commenting negatively about it, criticising my friends, being quite unpleasant about it all.
I continue to be friends with them but it is awkward, he doesn't do dinner parties, families bbq or group camping.
You end up living parallel lives.

Yes, it's the 'parallel lives' thing that I'm a bit worried about.

Luckily, DH doesn't general speak negatively about my friends (although after yesterday's barbecue, he said how ugly some of the other babies were... although this was only half serious!).

I'll bring all of this up again in a few weeks time, when we are on holiday and a bit more relaxed. At the moment, I have to hand it to DH. He has changed job twice this year, lots of stress with the house etc. I am actually hopeful he is a bit more open to socialising when DS is a bit older (after all, he always tells me he doesn't want DS to have the same isolated upbringing he had... but he hasn't got role models for how to achieve this).

These are my thoughts on parallel lives.

DH and I have a very few friends who we are close to. Mostly couples. These are "our friends". We see them from time to time. DH is good at ringing those that don't live locally. They are the people we would turn to. We don't need to see them often to remain friends - they get DH and know that's not his style, and we have the sort of connection that doesn't require daily contact.

DH has a very select few more people who are "his friends". He will occasionally meet up for lunch or something.

I have a load more people who are "my friends". They are the people I socialise with. Some of them have made it into the first category; most haven't.

So I have a whole other life which DH isn't involved in. But I tell him about who has a new job/house/baby and he nods. It works.

The other thing is that I think it isn't wrong (not necessary, but not wrong) for not only the people you are friends with, but the way you do friendship to change when you have kids. We have less energy (physical and mental) for friendships, and need to spend more of our precious time together as a couple. It is very easy to mistake issues to do with having small children (which will change over time) with issues to do with having different personality types (where you may feel that there is a problem with your relationship).

"Similarly, I just may have to get used to the idea of doing 'days out' with DS on my own, especially for things DH doesn't like doing (i.e. "Diggerland" ok together, National Trust stuff on my own). "

I disagree. NOBODY really likes going to any of these kiddie-orientated places but we do it because we're parents and because we want our DCs to have a nice time. Taking your child on a family day out is a basic requirement & not the same thing at all as being sociable with neighbours round a BBQ.

Cog I agree with virtually everything you write on Mumsnet, but I enjoy going to National Trust places with my DD. I often go with similarly-minded friends.

If I am looking after DD, I get to choose where we go and what we do. DH is welcome to join us. If he is looking after her, the reverse applies. One day a week, we have 'joint custody' and do stuff together. Stuff is often running errands, mind you! Maybe if/when there are more than one DC we will revisit this arrangement, but it works for now.

Overall, DH and I do about the same amount of childcare though, so it's not like he never sees her if he misses out on the stately homes!

I am much more sociable than DH who likes to talk to one or two people but hates crowds any is happy alone in the evenings after work.

We do watch TV or films together, and get out together once every 2 or 3 months, and often take the kids out together, but I have also made lots of local friends through school gate chats since we moved here 3 years ago.

I have people over to lunch every week on my non work day if anyone is free, i organise pub nights once every couple of months for other mums I've got to know here, I went to a friends for dinner to watch the World Cup on Sunday leaving DH at home.

As long as you find what works for you and keep talking about it so you know what he would like to do with you, and you with him then you just need to make networks of like minded souls for your socialising needs.

My mum has spent her life waiting for my dad to become sociable, chatty and good company for all days out she wants to do. He has now retired and just happy alone on his computer at home. He needs to do more with her and compromise, but mum should join groups to walk, read books etc and not rely on one human to meet all her needs to chat and do things. She has zero friends and my regular organising of get togethers is in part to make sure I never end up so lonely.

@Spindelina... No offence intended. I quite like NT places myself. :) But a trip to a NT property with the DCs is a different experience than with friends. You spend more time pleading with them to come out of Ye Olde Adventure Playground than admiring the Titians in the Long Gallery IYKWIM. We all have to suck it up and do the time.

Oh, no offence taken, and I agree that a trip to anywhere is different with a toddler! But if I am on childcare duty, and I choose to do that by going to NT, I don't expect DH to come too. If I wanted to admire a Titian I would go back on a different day.

I am slightly the opposite, my husband is extra sociable, will always do a favour for anyone day or night and practically waves as he enters through one door and out the other. Most of the time though I don't mind. We do socialise as a couple, but I'm more likely to want a night in by ourselves, and he will have arranged a bbq with the neighbours. I do have friends, but I see them on my own for a coffee, I don't tend to do parties whereas my husband would love it if we threw the house open for one.

I think this works quite well most of the time. He likes taking the children on days out, I don't mind the odd one, but duck out as well, so he takes them to the beach/fun parks/out for a walk without me every couple of weekends or so to give me a break. I am more of a home-body so the children get their down-time and cuddles with me (although he likes a film too). Similarly, I won't arrange anyone over for drinks, but I have a nice time when they do- and I do expect him to go out and buy stuff and generally make an effort so it is not all down to me.

I think the trick is to help your husband get his needs met and yours too. Having your own friends you can chat to and get social interaction/support from is very important and I wouldn't worry at all about having to do this with couples all the time. I have friends who have no children, are single parents and so on- so they are used to socialising without a partner. I show up to stuff if he doesn't want to go and vice versa, with some attendance if obligatory (I go every couple of years to an annual event for his hobby, but not otherwise). It's great when you meet a couple where both of you like both of them, but in my experience that's actually quite hard to find.