Libido with post baby hormones and eczema

[tellmesomething]

Pre baby DH and I were having sex like rabbits for about 4 years. DS is now 3 and I have been suffering with really bad pms since having the baby. This equates to1 week of pms where I feel ugly, moody and bloated and 1 week of period. This is 2 weeks in a month where I don't feel right for sex. Coupled with that I have eczema on my legs which flares up more with hayfever. Although my eczema isn't overly visible my skin feels like leather and adds to me feeling 'unsexy'.

We haven't had sex in over a week and I get my period any day now. I can sense my DHs growing frustration but I can't bring myself to do anything about it last night I woke up in the middle if the night and I could feel the bed shaking... DH was wanking beside me. I tried to pretend to be asleep but at one point my heart started racing and I practically jumped out of bed. Today he won't make eye contact with me and I'm not angry I'm more upset knowing I am not fulfilling his needs even though I want to. I want to have a great relationship like before where we were sneaking off to have sex all the time like before. There is no need to say LTB because even though he expressed his concerns several times over the last few years he has been patient. I want to fix me...

Please help I'm miserable and I'm worried I am ruining what was once a great relationship

"I'm more upset knowing I am not fulfilling his needs even though I want to. "

Something is putting you under pressure to have sex. It's been just seven days, why are you so anxious and stressed? Why do you think it's your responsibility to 'fulfil his needs'? When he expresses his concerns exactly how is he framing it? FWIW I think it's bad form to wank in bed next to someone...

Sex in a relationship is just one way of expressing intimate affection. There are others. As a couple are you able to be tactile, loving, cuddly at other times or has it only ever been a precursor to sex? Do you need sex to reassure you that you are loved? Does he feel that way? Being very blunt.... do you think your relationship has nothing going for it & you have nothing in common now that the sex has reduced from 'rabbit' status?

Of course you won't want sex if you feel pressured the two weeks you're able to. That isn't fair. It's not your responsibility to have sex with him. Don't feel that way. How is the sex when you do have if? Focused on him all the time? And if you aren't having sex with him, does offer he do anything to for you to fulfil your needs?

I agree that wanking in bed is bad form and imo a bit disrespectful, he could at least sneak off to the bathroom!

Are you intimate in other ways? Do you still kiss and cuddle and be physically close? I know if that was missing, I wouldn't ever want to have sex with DP and that would make me feel more rejected than if we never had sex again.

We are very close and spend all our time together and have a great laugh. Overall intimacy is an issue which started during pregnancy when he was frequently rejected and he has since become quite withdrawn. I know he has a fear of being rejected by me because he told me it made him feel awful. He's never been an overall cuddly sort of person which I know is a problem. When we do have sex it's incredible

I don't think it's my 'responsibility' to fulfill his needs I want to like I used to be able to not in a way that demeans me in any way. Our libido was once on a level playing field and it's just not anymore. I feel our marriage is not what it once was due to changes in me.

"I know he has a fear of being rejected by me because he told me it made him feel awful. "

If he thinks seven days without PIV sex is rejection and if he cannot enjoy a cuddle he should quite honestly seek counselling. You should not have to constantly reassure him of your affection by having sex against your better judgement. You may have changed but if this is all it takes for him to start doubting your relationship, then he has some big problems. His behaviour is putting you under pressure.

Cog I don't think the OP was referring to him feeling rejected over this recent 7-day period but of the time during pregnancy when she says she frequently rejected him.

As someone who was in a sexless relationship, I can understand how constant rejection can make you feel awful.

Getting arsey if you haven't had sex for 7 days is, of course, totally wrong. But I can see how someone might feel awful if they were rejected for months on end (and that's not precisely what the OP has said). Don't think I'd quite say this guy is a total arse based on what we've heard so far, that's all.

No he hasn't been arsey....why I mentioned 1 week is that I'm pmsing for a week I get my period today or tomorrow then it's no sex for another week. This means 2 weeks for every month our sex life is dead the other 2 we can't manage more than 3 times a week if we are lucky.

"Can't manage more than 3 times a week if we are lucky"

CHRIST ALIVE. I bet most couples with small kids struggle to find time and energy for once a week. I think you should consider yourselves lucky and adjust. Once kids come along, sex is rarely as frequently as before, but I think a lot of people would be very happy to have sex on average 6 times a month!

I'm not surprised if your sex life has suffered when you feel in pain or beset by hormones let alone during the early days of parenthood.

You actually want a sex life with your DH so I assume you have explained to him as frankly as you have here that you are not happy to go without?

He takes your lack of enthusiasm as a personal lack of interest and gets upset. Yet he knows that after the PMS and your week on, unless your eczema flares up you are liable to be a willing and happy participant?

I want to (fulfill his needs) like I used to be able to not in a way that demeans me in any way

Sorry can you elaborate, I don't think you mean manually or orally pleasing a partner in the absence of PIV sex is demeaning, are you afraid that he will cultivate a porn habit if you aren't ever-ready...?

At present you feel cheated because two weeks out of four you are not jumping his bones, okay so during the fortnight you are in the mood would it possible to arrange overnight care for DS so you and DH can have time away together?

I understand you hanker after the old days but for now you need to talk to him and where possible fix your health. You have to take responsibility for your health but the sexual area of things is a joint responsibility.

Without getting into defining rare or and how deprived is someone who enjoys sex three times a week for a fortnight, I would definitely go and see your GP and talk about your PMS. Also is there an eczema nurse at the surgery? Ask a GP for a referral to a dermatologist.

You might be advised to cut out certain food groups - dairy or wheat - ask about food allergy testing carried out as part of eczema diagnosis. An emollient my DD finds soothing is zeroAQS which she orders at the chemists, it's not on the shelves but they get it in for her.