How to tell/introduce the dcs to a new partner

[Minime85]

So I'm not sure how to do this basically. I've seen other threads about this before and always thought oh yes I will wait 6 months etc.

My ex and I were together 13 years and married for 10. Last summer, to the week, I had the whole I love you but I'm not in love with you speech. Cue hellish months ahead and finally split in oct/nov. I'm over him. I will be honest and say I don't think I'll ever be fully over what he did to our little family. Bit we remain mostly amicable and dcs are now settled much better with it all.

I joined old in march and been on a few dates. Now I Have met someone who 'fits' and although who can tell if it is forever, as let's face it I never thought I'd end up divorced anyway, I would like to tell my dcs I have a new 'friend' and to introduce them to each other.

I don't want to rush into anything as it has only been just over a month and I'm well aware those early days are all saying the right things etc. but I don't want to wait 6 months to find out when he sees me in my daily life It won't work etc. and I want to just be normal and for my dcs and I to go out for the day and he come along too.

He has kids of his own who live away. He isn't pushing anything at all.

So I guess what I'm asking is what is too soon and any suggestions on that first introduction and what to say/where to go? Thanks

And I meant to add I'm away now for a week on holiday. So I was thinking of trying to say/do something when I came back

How old are your DCs? Do they know you've been dating? Are they reasonably settled in their new 'post divorce' life and seem OK with it?

The way I have always explained it to DS (and I've been a lone parent since he was born) is that, in the same way that he needs to have friends, I need to have friends. Those friends may be male or female, close or otherwise, but he generally meets them all so there's no mystery and nobody gets built up into a 'big deal'

I don't think it's too early (although I know many will disagree) and like you, I thought it was better that they start to interact before it gets too far down the line - if you've been together 6 months and fallen in love, talking about the future and then he doesn't get on with your DCs you've wasted all your time.

Take it steady (no overnighters for a while until they are all comfortable) and as you say, perhaps start off with him as a new friend rather than boyfriend. How old are your DCs btw? That may have some bearing on how you approach it.

Mine were 6-12 and they all instantly took a liking to him and his DCs and things progressed very quickly from that point as it was so much easier to all spend time together as a big family at the weekends rather than try to juggle our different days off.

As your man doesn't have young children to factor in, it may be easier to keep things a bit more separate, but there's nothing wrong with introducing them and seeing how you all get on together. Friends come and go, we fall in and out of touch with people, our DCs manage fine. No reason why it should be any different because the friend is male (I've had SAHD friends who have come and gone, just as any others).

As long as there's no talk about him being their 'new daddy' and he doesn't wade in with the 'parenting' straight away it will be fine. If your DCs see you being treated well by someone they like and respect it can only be a good thing. If they don't get on, then you have some thinking to do! But at least you can do it before you have got in too deep.

Sorry, I misread that as him having grown up children, if they live away but are still young, does he see them at all?

I'm in a similar position but known my dp 7 months. I still haven't introduced the children. I only now beginning to think about it as he has mentioned it. If I was you I would wait a little longer until you are sure it's going to progress. Good luck.

What happens if you're sure it's going to progress and then he meets your DCs and they don't get along?

Totally agree with penelope. I have actually just finished a nine month relationship because my now ex started being very critical of my children (aged 9 and 13) and my parenting based on not a lot (for the record there are no issues with their behaviour and people actually compliment me on how well behaved they are.) We had very, very different parenting styles as he was very autocratic and I am much more laid back.

It was clear the relationship could not progress (and we had discussed marriage) as there was no way I could let someone come and live with us who held my children in a negative light. It was hard as I had really fallen for him but better after a few months than a few years.

There are have been no issues as as far as the 9 year old is concerned he was Mum's friend who is no longer her friend. The 13 year old refused to engage at all (which would have been the same with anyone really) so although he grasped the true situation he is more than happy I am back to being single.

Hi OP,
I was a lone parent to my ds for 8 yrs before I started dating again. And I had only been married for 5!
Anyway, at 11 my ds was actually encouraging me to date, basically so I'd have my own life and stop being a "helicopter mum". After one rather short relationship, I met dh and it was clear to me he was the one, introduced him pronto to ds, family and friends and been married 5 yrs.
Too good to be true? Damn right. I made the mistake of thinking his great relationship to my ds was a reflection of his relationship to his own dc and their probable relationship to me. I was wrong. Totally.
In couple counseling dh admitted not having introduced his dc early on as I'd have been put off and he was afraid I'd dump him.
Turns out he has no boundaries with his dc, they walk all over him and he's grateful for the hoof footprints on his back. Needless to say, I'm not welcome in my own home when dsd visits (thankfully dss has become a relatively kind and considerate child).
My advice would therefore be to meet his kids, more than once, and get a feeling for their family dynamics. And if at all possible, meet the ex...
Good luck x

Thanks everyone there's lots to think about.

His children live away and he doesn't see them often but they are much older than mine, youngest early teens. I was due to meet them but I can't go now but that had been at his suggestion.

My own dcs are 9 and almost 7. They live with me most of time and go to their dads at least one overnight a week up to 3 depending on his work.

I think yes I would like to do things altogether on a weekend and not feel like I'm sneaking about. Not all the time of course but to have that option. Also I don't want to be seen out by my dcs' friends before I have told them.

Absolutely no overnights any time soon whilst they are there. And wouldn't be all over each other either.

I honestly thought I'd want to wait months before I introduced even the idea but it feels right to do it now which sounds so bloody cliche I know.

Yes the dcs are much more settled now and have a dad actively involved in their daily lives. There would never be a suggestion of a new daddy. Just the same as there will be no new mummy either.

Thanks everyone

When I said to him last night I was thinking about how and when to tell them he was really keen. But equally said let's see how they react and then decide when and where. He just seems to want to be normal too and who knows where it will go but I do feel alive again!

Ex and I have spoken about introducing new people and that we will do each other the courtesy of letting each other know .

Cogito if they didn't get along and it's nothing time would resolve then that would be it. My dcs come first completely.

They know I've got a friend called --- and that I've been out bowling with him. I think I'm just going to start to talk about him more in terms of going out just him and I and see what there reaction is. I guess I am anxious that they know about the dating rather than needing to meet straight away. And maybe if he came around for a cup of tea, like other friends do and see what the reaction is. God this is hard

It's as hard as you want to make it, really. Why wouldn't he come round for a cup of tea? 'Hey kids, remember who I went bowling with? He's coming round for tea in a minute'. If they lob a direct question at you like 'is he your boyfriend?' then answer it honestly.

Good idea OP. That's how I've been approaching my similar situation....talking about my new friend and telling my DC a bit about him. I showed them a photo. I've even mentioned him to my ex, DCs father, as once the children meet him they will likely tell their dad. That way everyone is kept in the loop. Good luck.

Well it looks like he is coming over for a cuppa on Sunday. Dcs seemed fine with idea. Youngest said what your boyfriend when I mentioned about going somewhere else the evening before. So we will see. Thanks for everyone's advice