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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

to get that spark bavk into our relationship...

20 replies

lovehearts2 · 14/07/2014 06:05

For those who doesn't know what happened last weekend (5th July)...i dont to write it all out again as too long.... We were having a few probs and been bickering for months and other things had happened ie his business partner who my dh is carrying around for years and not pulling his weight and his eldest daughter - my dad - is 15 and is not talking to us for dome reason cos she is feeling left out but she been revising and is not living at home now as she not getting on with her mum and mums fiancé. We've just out this week about her living with her nan.

me and dh didn't get round sorting out probs out as too much stuff went on and we nearly split up without sorting it out. Dh dropped the bombshell out of the blue. We've been together 13.5 yrs and married 14 m and got 3 kids...youngest age 25 m. We weren't really sharing the same bed and he wad cut off from me.

now he had thought about it over the heart wrenching weekend and we talked, felt like a whole world had lifted off my chest, he told me on 6th July after i asked him does he love me? And he said not at this mo. This weekend just gone after he gave me a chance in Monday he told me he loves me twice by text on two seperate days, but it didn't feel right so i sent him one back. Ive not sent him anything as I'm still wobbly and raw and so is he.

he is working on his feelings atm and I'm waiting for my counselling to starts. He said that he cares for me alot and if he didn't, he be gone already.

we've already booked in a caravan months ago and he spoken about it last night which i thought he's not thinking that far ahead as I'm just doing day by day atm.

ive asked him if he made a mistake and he said no as we're not at that stage where we hate each other as we care about each other and we gotta work it thru. Just hope there not too much water gone under the bridge ( is that the correct saying??).....

he been back in our bed since we got back together and made love twice which it been lovely as no pressure. we've decided not to make love or kisses and no love you texts till he really means it. he been sending love u texts COs i wasn't sending it to him but it doesn't feel right as yet but i do love and care for him...and I'm giving him space but gonna give him more space. he's happy for us to have hugs and to kiss goodbye when he's goes to work and he still in our bed.

i hope i haven't lost him Sad. i can only hope...

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/07/2014 07:52

You seem grateful for anything approaching affection from him. You seem frightened at the prospect of him leaving. I'm so sorry about both of those things because your self-respect must be on the bones of its arse.

When your partner says 'I don't love you' but chooses to stick around giving you chances etc. they are probably using it as a method of control. I suspect he knows that, with 'I don't love you at the moment' hanging over your head, you're so panicked that you'll do pretty much anything to get back into his good books. No-one's talking about him not pulling his weight any more are they? Hmm

Minime85 · 14/07/2014 08:02

Lovehearts I'm really sorry to read u are going through this. I didn't see your previous thread. Exactly a year ago I was u. I was told he didn't love me etc.

If he is saying he wants to work through it that is all really positive I think. Is that coming from him or more u? I do think it's natural to look and read into every message and look etc. but I think it's a long way back and as much as u want it straight away as it is just heart breaking it takes a lot of time. I do think if both parties want it enough it can happen.

Planning things just the two of u can do together might be a good idea. Doesn't need to be anything fancy.

I wish I could give u a positive ending where we ended up together but it didn't work for me. But it is positive in that I'm happy again. My dcs are too.

Don't think it's u that has lost him. It's not all your responsibility. It takes two to make it work Thanks

Original poster
lovehearts2 · 14/07/2014 08:06

yes i am feeling all over the place now but determined to get this marriage back on track. He be confiding in to 2 people, a woman and a man. They are two different people. Im confiding in my mum and my best mate who ive only just told about us. The woman and man is trying to keep us together as they are good friends to me too.

we are both so sorry we didnt talk about this problem months ago but too many things got in the way and when i thought the time was right..he decided to have the serious talk. In the 13.5 yrs we've never ever sat down and talked seriously about our probs as weve been arguing about his business partner that got me very frustrated and then the bickering started. Ive checked my phone and since march 2013, ive had 3 texts from me saying hes feeling fed up and pissed off cos we had a bickering moment...and one argument.

Atm he is devastated that his DD not talking to us, maybe he not been thinking straight and maybe his feelings towards me been snowed under about things that gone on...i dont know.

I asked if he felt right getting married and he said yes or otherwise he wouldnt of got married. we've had a 8 yr engagement. We make sure that we married at the right time and it was.

OP posts:
Original poster
lovehearts2 · 14/07/2014 08:16

dh said that he wants to work it thru...i was too busy holding it all in Sad

Atm my best mate said why dont u go away for a weekend and try and get that spark back in our marriage. im feeling so wobbly and fragile atm cos i really think he was gonna walk away Sad. We had one argument 7 weeks ago when he stopped talking about his business partner before we had the serious talk.

im taking day by day and not even thinking of planning this weekend with DH and he feels the same. He is happy to sit in with me to watch movies....you know proper "baby steps" he said....as we watched a movie on friday...first time in a long time and went out saturday with kids to treat them for their excellent school report. it was nice and basic if you know what i mean?

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/07/2014 08:21

Why are you so frightened of him walking away? Why is it all his decision what happens next? Why does he get to decide the course of your life. Sometimes, even though it's tough, you have to stand up for yourself. 'Love me as I am. Commit to us as a couple. Make the effort or don't bother'.

Original poster
lovehearts2 · 14/07/2014 08:26

the problems started around september when he had a cancer scare but turned out he had a severe water infection...that was v worrying and then he started to moan and stressed about his business partner. Dh used to pull me out to have a moan about his business partner to get it off his chest. Ive always told to get rid of him as hes no good and he a lazy shit but im not gonna go into it as the probs are still there at work. As soon he gave me a chance to sort out probs, he went straight to work and told his business partner to pass his test as he been telling him for the past 7 yrs to pass his test....he still not done anything as he saying weve got no money....which he had and have but he chose to snort it up his nose and gamble.......

His business partner knows hes on his very last warning for the past couple of weeks.

i be surprised if he does send off for his provisional licence....if ever!! as his DP drives him everywhere

OP posts:
Original poster
lovehearts2 · 14/07/2014 08:29

i didnt realised we had serious problems in our marriage/relationship as thought it was just a bad patch like other couples go through and weve never been through this before.

yes i should stand up for myself but at this present time...i feel so fragile.

OP posts:
Original poster
lovehearts2 · 14/07/2014 08:31

and he said that we had a good thing going on together but this was out of the blue for me as we were still talking and going away on family holidays and being a normal couple but not sleeping together as much till up to the day.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/07/2014 08:37

You feel fragile because he's created fragile conditions with 'I don't love you'. That's not a bad patch, that's a really nasty thing to land on a partner. There's no going back from 'I don't love you' the same as there's no going back from 'I've been seeing someone else'. Whatever happens next you're going to resent him for making you feel this crap.

Original poster
lovehearts2 · 14/07/2014 08:41

when he said about at the time that he doesnt love me at the moment....last night he said "i dont know, i dont know now". so his head is all mess up atm.

OP posts:
Original poster
lovehearts2 · 14/07/2014 08:43

and yes i can see where youre coming from Cogito. i feel wobbly cos ive never been thru this situation ever with anyone as i basically didnt give a shit about them.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/07/2014 08:45

His head? Your head is the one that matters here. Hmm If he doesn't know how he feels then perhaps a short-term solution would be to ask him to step out of the home for a while? Take a proper break from each other. Let him work out what's going on and let you find some peace and calm not living with someone who you are second-guessing all the time.

Original poster
lovehearts2 · 14/07/2014 08:50

yes my head is wobbly too...prob more wobblier than his.

yes thats the next thing i thought about is to completely have a proper break from each other..

cogito...thanks for your honest advice and i appreciate it.

OP posts:
Original poster
lovehearts2 · 14/07/2014 12:56

Ive gotta work out if i do ask him to move out but

1). He's got nowhere to go and his mum is married to someone who we don't like.
2) dh is self employed so this is his employment area and we've got the computer here to do all paperwork..i do 9/10 of paperwork to get the stress off him for the last 7 yrs so how that gonna work as I'm a sahm to my youngest.
3)and we are carrying on as if everything is normal for our kids sake.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/07/2014 12:58
  1. There is always somewhere to go, even if it's a B&B
  2. There's nothing to stop you carrying on with your job even if he lives outside the home
  3. Kids are small, not stupid....
Original poster
lovehearts2 · 14/07/2014 13:01

Ok thanks

OP posts:
Missteacake · 14/07/2014 13:24

My DH and I went though something similar last year. We both didn't realise what a rut we had got into I know it's cliche to be stuck in a rut but it can really just happen like that. The thing that shocked me was I didn't even realise until I was going out all the time, flirting with other people acting like a t**t basically. I was completely out of order but too silly to realise what the problem was. I was destroying my relationship because I couldn't see it was in trouble.

The first thing you have to ask yourself is do you want to be with this person? Does he want to be with you? Are you going to put in the effort to work it out? If you both agree you want it to work you can do loads of little things to build up trust and positive feelings for each other. But mostly it takes time and consideration for the feelings of the other person.

A lot of people say when you get to a point there is no return and this is true but you set that point. If your both on the same page you can make anything work. I just wanted to give you a positive story my DH and I have spent a lot of time and effort trying to make it work and we are so happy and have come so far. I look back on that dark time and feel really lucky we managed to come out of it. We are even now expecting our second DC!

I hope things can have such a great ending for you too

Original poster
lovehearts2 · 14/07/2014 13:48

I'm so happy that it is an happy ending for you. I'm actually filling up right now. I haven't really cried in years till last week and i still feel abit wiped. Congrats on your dc2. yes i want to be with this person (as he's brilliant and so thoughtful etc but he got his faults and so have i and we both admit it). we both want to be together as he been giving me hugs this week and gave me a kiss on my cheek. Yes i am going to put effort in us but when u mean i can do loads of little things to build our trust etc....can u please be abit more specific on that bit. as ive said if he asked if he need his own time ie play pool as its the only way he can think properly, he can.

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Missteacake · 14/07/2014 15:24

We did little things like turn the telly off and just talk. We went on walks together. We would get a bottle of wine and play cards all night. We talked a lot. I think the problem was we didn't do anything together he would get home from work we would sit in front of the telly not say anything then go to bed!

We did do things apart too like DH goes and watches football with his mates I go swimming once a week.

Sometimes you forget to talk to someone really talk to them about wishes and dreams and futures. But it certainly isn't an overnight fix we are a year down the line but definitely worth putting in the effort if you really love somebody.

Also I think sometimes people think they don't love someone anymore but what they really mean is they don't love their life/relationship at the moment. I wouldn't want to speak for your DP but what I realised was I always loved my DH even when I thought I didn't.

Now I'm crying too!

Good luck I really hope everything works out.

Original poster
lovehearts2 · 14/07/2014 16:17

Thank you misstea as your post means some hope for me. xx

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