What does the future look like??

[Titsyandmitzy]

So during the last week my husband has decided he's fallen out of love with me and doesn't want to me with me anymore. Devastated doesn't even cover it, but I'm even more heart broken for my son. The life I saw for us which involved a happy family with lots of siblings has been destroyed in front of my eyes.
Yesterday I took him to the park which was full of families enjoying time together, picnics, football, siblings playing together. Then there was just me and DS. He's only 2.5 yrs but my heart broke for him. Will this really mess him up? Will he be lonely? My husband hasn't left yet so he's none the wiser - we're waiting on the next relate session to get advice on how to do things for the best. Husband to leave gradually or just go - who knows!
Does anyone have any advise or success stories? Particularly interested in those stories involving 1 child. Will he be lonely? Thanks

Oh honey!! I was where you are five years ago. DH left (I had two kids, both very young) and I remember that first trip out without him. Everywhere I looked it was just JOYOUS families. Dads helping with the kids. Mums looking happy and secure. Kids radiating love and serenity. God I wanted to shoot them.

I'd look at other women who had husbands and think, Why does SHE get to keep her husband and I don't?

I'd look to the future and see... Nothing. Just a total blank. Nothing. If I really searched for a sign of the future, I'd see only misery and tears, and my kids falling into drugs with a bad crowd, never holding down happy relationships themselves, and me becoming an alcoholic and being sick every afternoon on the sofa...

Needless to say, five years on, I now can't even remember why I was upset. My DH leaving was the single most positive thing that's ever happened to me, and I wouldn't change a single bit. The kids are happy, I have a tolerable relationship with ExH and when my divorce came through, I cried tears of happiness and relief.

No advice, except take every minute as it comes. I loved a great Winston Churchill quote when I was adjusting to life after the split: "When you're going through Hell, keep going."

Huge hugs. I SWEAR to you, this will get so so much better.

Oh and PS: now when I go out with the kids, I still see families, but I see very different things. I see their bickering, I see their strained faces, I often see their tiny power-struggles and tension. Funny how you notice different things, depending on your own emotions...

I'm really sorry you're going through this. Such a difficult time.

Just to add to WhatsGoingOn has said: first of all, what you're seeing in the park is just an image, you really don't know all the complications each couple has to deal with. Second, for all you know lots of these families might be second marriages. You have every chance in the future to build your life again, gradually: step by step. You will most probably have another relationship in the futurewhy wouldn't you? & perhaps more children too if that's possible age-wise & something you want.

I understand now is too early to think about that though...

I think your DH should just go. I believe in making people face their choices immediately. He doesn't think he loves you anymore? Then, bye bye! He wants a life without you? Then there's no time like the present, darling - here, I've packed your things. Go, embrace life without us.

Not this horrible no man's land (for you) where he gets to see his family every day, despite saying to you that he no longer wants it. :-(

My ex wanted to stay in the house after we'd split. Er - no, thanks. So I made him find a flat to rent and he was gone within a month. Thank God! I only started healing when he'd gone. It's much much much much much easier after they've gone. This bit (before they leave) is awful - you have no privacy to process your emotions, or your grief.

Plus, he will NOT know how he feels until he's left. Until you're no longer there. While he still has the luxury of living with you, he can afford to imagine the grass is greener elsewhere. Let him sodding go and roll around in that other grass right bloody now. See if it's really as lush and beautiful as it looked from a distance.

Stop being reasonable. He VOWED to stay with you till death. He's not dead.

Thank you so much - you've given me hope! I suppose it's the age old thing of the lead up to an event being worse than the actual thing itself? I'm absolutely dreading the day he packs his things and closes the door. I'm scared that it's going to hit me as hard as last week when he dropped the bombshell of not loving me. But like you say I can't start healing until he's gone and this limbo is truly awful.
I'm just so scared and upset for what this is going to do to my DS

Look I'm sorry to say this but you realise that your husband's most likely got someone else. It's probably best if he leaves immediately.

It's a horrible thing to have to go through. You and your lovely DS will be fine though - it just takes time.

Look after yourself and gather your friends around you.

Hello Titsy,

Ten weeks down the line here, but no young children (thankfully).

It's tough the first few weeks, but I agree with posters above that it's best if he can leave the home asap - you need to be able to have some privacy, and confront the reality (hard as that is).

However, if he starts looking a divorce websites for men - he'll quickly find the advice not to. Try to persuade him now if you can - it's better than you and your children make the adjustment quickly. They will be picking up on the tension one way or another. Agree a contact schedule and then cease communication to all but the banal of arranging the children's needs as quickly as possible.

I read and recommend 'Detach and Survive', not sure how old your husband is but aimed at women whose husbands suddenly want life to be more fulfilled by not being married. So men aged 30+.

Also, I cannot stress this enough: tell your family/friends from the get-go. I didn't tell anyone for two weeks and made my own agony much worse. Having people who will listen, let you cry and just be there for you is the one thing you have over your husband right now. It is likely he won't tell anyone. Don't do things his way - do things your way. Making decisions for yourself (however small) is the only thing you have to give you a sense of control when he has taken the ultimate of decisions.

If later down the road he wants, and you accept a reconciliation, they will forgive him because they love you. If he doesn't you've got yourself invaluable emotional support when you are at your most vulnerable.

Not a single person I have told has been anything less than sympathetic. My feelings of humiliation were all mine, their feelings of compassion has got me to this point. You'll be amazed at the kindness of others.

I know first hand how much it hurts - but I lots of people come out the other side much happier and healthier. Fact is as a woman you are most likely to, your husband may end up better off financially, but not necessarily healthier or happy.

I take some comfort in that!

I don't think anything will hit you as hard as his initial bombshell. That was the MASSIVE change, that took you out of one life and into another. From now on, every change will be easier to cope with.

Even finding out if he does have somebody else. :-( (Mine didn't! He just didn't love me anymore, or never really did in the first place. Oh well! Hey ho. Next.)

But don't dread his going, YES it will be the start of the healing process. Initially though, the healing process just looks like wave upon wave of anger. It's not like he leaves and you immediately feel great and start having friends over for tea. He'll leave and he'll take your dreams with him, and your old identity of a married mum. You might find that you're mourning the loss of that identity more than the loss of him. That's what hit me the hardest. That I was no longer a wife and mum. I had to readjust to seeing myself as a single mum. Which was hard, but not impossible. And now I far prefer it!

They take a lot of the day-to-day irritations with them too, thankfully. They take all their clothes which filled up the wardrobes and all the solace in the washing machine. You won't miss those. And their huge blokes shoes! It's great when they go. And their fading attraction for you - it's a relief when that's no longer a daily part of your life.

I found it surprisingly easy to adjust to the daily routine of single-motherhood. It's a pain when you can't just nip out at night to buy milk (or wine), but that's about it. It's not harder to run the house -- because you can make all the decisions, it's easier in list of ways.

Tax Credits are a huge help, and single mums get more than married mums. Look into that, it subsidises up to 70% of your childcare costs.

But mainly, just force yourself to accept that this has happened. don't hold out hope that he'll change his mind. Hope keeps you upset. As soon as you abandon hope of getting your old life back, you'll start moving forwards into your new life.

And YES to telling everyone! It really helps. I thought everyone would think I was a total failure, but everyone was lovely. I dreaded telling my parents, I worried they'd think, "oh ffs, what's she messed up NOW?" But they were both adorable and incredibly supportive.

I told everyone -- I'd tell total strangers in the park. I was just compelled to. I told people I'd never met before that my husband had left me. I'm not sure why! Thankfully that stage didn't last long.

Funny how everyone starts admitting that they thought your husband was actually a bit of a twat all along.