should we do things together with our baby after splitting up?

[jackjames1]

I need some advice... My partner and I split up last christmas, the break up wasn't amicable but we are trying to be friends for our one year olds sake. I would like to know if taking our daughter out on day trips or swimming or even on holiday together would confuse our daughter more, or should we just keep our lives separate?
Any input on our situation is greatly appreciated....

Personally, I wouldn't as one day you will probably both have new partners and it surely wouldn't happen then. Best just to keep things amicable so as she grows up she sees you getting along as best you can even if you aren't together as a couple.

Depends what feelings are involved. I split with my ex 17 months ago and have no feelings for each other. Once a month we might take our dd out together. I think that if we were both to meet someone, depending on what kind of 'place' we were in it might be able to continue.

Some people can manage to remain good friends after a break-up and you even hear of them all going on jolly holidays together etc. I think there is a difference between keeping things civil or amicable and putting on a fake act of Happy Families, however. The latter does risk confusing children and it can also be exploited by nasty exes that want to keep tabs on you. You'll find It easier to move on if you operate properly separately, I think.

Do what feels right for you. Dh and his ex would go to school plays etc together but not days out. If it feels a strain I doubt it would benefit your dd anyway.

I think that it could be confusing messages for your child. My friend tried to do this and her DS couldn't understand that if mummy and daddy could get on together why couldn't they be together all the time?
Also tends to get a bit difficult if one of you meets a new partner.

God no. You child is 1! She won't benefit from it, so don't put yourself through it, as it wasn't an amicable split.
There'll come a time when you don't want to do it, and inevitably she'll be older. She benefit from it or miss it now. But you take that away from her when she's 5*, and she will.

*I pick 5 as my daughter is 5, and I know she'd like me to do things "as a family"

I'm in this position too and my instinct is that it's less stressful and confusing for dd to see parents getting on and coparenting well, rather than being totally separate, frosty or arguing.
I do accept that boundaries are important, but I wish me and XP could do what you are proposing. It's what I want and I think it would make all of us happier especially dd, but he wants to keep his distance, and I sometimes think he misinterprets my efforts as trying to get back together (no way! I'm much happier now)
My plan is to respect his need for lots of space now, but long term keep trying for a more 'extended unconventional family' set-up. I can't see that this would necessarily be a problem when we have new partners if we all work at it. It means finding another channel for all my anger, hurt, loss (therapy ) and putting a brave face on often, but I believe the rewards are going to be worth it. I want dd to have both parents at her important birthday parties, wedding, graduation etc. without more tension and bad feeling than absolutely necessary.
I mean, on one level I am furious with XP right now and he has behaved like a sh*t, but I also loved him enough to have a baby with him not that long ago, so I'm going to do everything I can to give her a family of sorts that works.
Reading this back, perhaps I'm deluded

Thanks for all your responses, gave me a lot to think about. Maybe I should sit down with my Ex and sort something out. Maybe do something once a month and leave it like that for a while.

dustyspringfield: its the same with me. There's no way I want to get back together with my Ex but I think she may be thinking I'm pushing for us to get back together...

I am not in a couple-relationship with my DS' father but we do (and always have done) 'family' stuff together like days out, holidays, family weddings and big birthdays. DS is 9 now and has been used to this arrangement all his life - it works fine for us.

However, I think some of the reasons our little family works well are:

We were old pals and drinking buddies rather than a couple when DS was born (buddies including FWB very occasionally. DS was a big surprise)

We were both nearly 40 when he arrived, so old enough to be reasonably laid back about stuff.

We are both really sort of 'married to our jobs' and not interested in forming couple-relationships with each other or anyone else. If (and it's very unlikely) one of us did acquire a partner, s/he would have to accept our family set up and priorities or sod off.