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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Need some advice about a friend.

13 replies

sweetkitty · 11/09/2006 20:53

Will try to keep this brief, here goes, I moved to a new area about a year ago and didn't know anyone so I went to the local mother and toddler groups as you do. I met one mum there and we have become friendly in that we meet outside the groups and I have been on a few nights out with her which is great.

She's a nice person a real salt of the earth type heart of gold but this is going to sound terrible and make me feel really snobby but theres a few things I don't like her doing in front of my DDs especially DD1 who's 2.2m, she also has twin DD's the same age as DD1 and we both have a baby DD too so she really does have her hands full. The thing is, is the way she talks to her DDs, she will shout and swear at them tell them "she is going to f do them in if they don't behave" I hate people who shout and swear at their kids. She also swears around my DD1 and DP and I are trying our hardest not to swear around her. Another thing is junk food for instance today in the course of a morning she gave DD1 3 lollipops. One I don't mind (they get one at the end of toddler group) and I don't like DD1 to be left out. She carries lollipops around and dolls them out every time one of her DDs is whinging. Also when we are around hers, she is constantly dolling out fruit shoots, cornetto's, lollipops etc.

I know this sounds really bad but my DD1 is really picky and if she gets loads of junk she won't eat anything else.

I feel really bad writing this but just wanted other peoples views, do I sound like an utter snob? What would you do? She's not the sort of person you could talk to about it really I have dropped hints etc or should I just limit the amount of time we spend with her?

OP posts:

CountTo10 · 11/09/2006 20:57

I think you've got a couple of options. You can either choose to spend less time around her and maybe try and restrict your time to just you and her on nights out or you could accept that she is going to behave like that and go ahead and still meet her. It depends on how strongly you feel about it. Could you definitely not talk to her about it?

Dior · 11/09/2006 20:57

Message withdrawn

Original poster

sweetkitty · 11/09/2006 21:04

DD1 would go nuts if I took a lollipop etc off her and the other two still had one.

My friends also smacks her own children which is her choice but it's the language I don't really like but I suppose growing up she will hear it all on the street. Her own DDs are absolutely wild, one just cries and whinges most of the time, my DD1 is a lot quieter in comparison.

I suppose you have to take the good with the bad, she is a very kindhearted person and would never want to leave DD1 out.

OP posts:

Original poster

sweetkitty · 11/09/2006 21:05

DD1 would go nuts if I took a lollipop etc off her and the other two still had one.

I suppose you have to take the good with the bad, she is a very kindhearted person and would never want to leave DD1 out.

OP posts:

fransmom · 11/09/2006 21:25

i have also refused to give my dd any sweets up to yet - she has the odd bit of chcocolate now and again but have soemtimes had to fight to make people realise that if children have too much sugar at an early age it sets them up for probs later on in life and can make them hyper now - perhaps that's why her child is "wild"?

i remember watching a programme called "the baby whisperer" a while ago, one of the children sounded just like your friend's child- all he really wanted was natural food and calmed down a lot after things changed. tbh i ask people in the street not to swear in front of my dd it's a matter of respect as well as manners, most people apologise. maybe you could mention something to her?
i tmight not help but quite a few months ago somebody who used to call round with her ds used to let him treat my home like a tip, spilling his crisps everywhere and throwing toys about, so one day i turned round and said can you pick that up please (to little boy) and my dd isn't allowed to throw her toys about, if you do that again i shall take it off you. it worked cos it embarrassed the mom into telling her ds to respect my dd's toys. hth

fransmom · 11/09/2006 21:27

ps i understand that she might not want to leave your dd out but i find it hard to understnad when people tell their children off for smacking them and then smack back? what is that saying to the children?

Original poster

sweetkitty · 11/09/2006 21:35

I agree completely fransmum we don't smack DD1 and always tell her hitting is bad and you don't hit anyone. Teaching children not to hit others by hitting them is barking mad IMO. I remember one of her DDs saying "that's sore" and her saying "it was supposed to be"

DD1 was a horror today after we came home don't know if it was the e-numbers or tiredness.

OP posts:

fransmom · 11/09/2006 21:46

it could be both - maybe next time your friend gives some sweets for your dd, you could "put them in the bag for later"- like i did and just not give them to your dd. i do think you need to tell her something along the lines of that she can't have too many sweets in one day cos it makes her ill, that way her feelings aren't hurt and your dd is better off healthily. you do need to think tho which is more important being blunt with your friend and possibly hurting her feelings or your dd's immediate and future health. i'm sorry for being blunt but you do need to make some sort of stand with this person i think.

fransmom · 11/09/2006 21:48

as for " it was sposed to be" how can she talk to her child like that? it is hard to understand but she can't expect her children to grow up respecting her if she teaches them things like that. i'm old fashioned and have been teaching my dd manners as soon as she wanted things. most of the time it works

Original poster

sweetkitty · 11/09/2006 21:54

I think what makes it worse is overall she is very good with children, ie she will make up games for them, take them off on wanders, play with them just generally take time to interact with them. Her DDs get everything they want toys and sweets. They are very spirited and I think being two of them doesn't help either.

I think I will limit time with them a little bit and also say "I'm trying not to give DD1 loads of crap as you know how picky she is and sweets make her really hyper" or somwthing like that.

That's for listening it's a great sounding board x

OP posts:

fransmom · 11/09/2006 22:19

no probs x

tho maybe just say soemthing like "i'm trying not to give dd loads of sweets as they make her hyper, i shall save them for later" perhaps.....

hth x

wakeupandsmellthecoffee · 11/09/2006 23:08

We told my friend we would get her a swearing jar (to put money in ) if she didnt tone it down a bit . LOL

joelallie · 12/09/2006 08:09

I wonder if her children are 'wild' because she behaves in an uncontrolled way too. DH and I had to calm ourselves down recently after a weekend when DH shouted at the kids all the time and their behaviour went down the pan completely. It can be a vicious circle.

Not arguing that excessive amounts of sugar (and I personally think that sugar is quite as bad as e-numbers) make most children behave badly. But I don't think it's the main factor.

It's a shame that she behaves that way when she sounds like a good and enthusiastic mother in other ways. Could you not mention that the swearing and shouting upsets your child?

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