Relationship at breaking point...I'm also pregnant

[betenoire2012]

The only times me and my partner argue are over money. He's a stay at home dad, and we live abroad.

We recently moved to a bigger (rented) home in preparation for our second child. I'm on a good wage, but what with all the additional expenditure of moving and having to buy things for the house, we have recently ended up being really skint towards the end of the month.

Quite often my partner retreats into silence/sulks then finally snaps and says he is so bored and feels like a prisoner in his own home. He's in the past implied that being a stay at home dad makes him feel very isolated as he has no one to talk to. He's threatened to leave back to Englabd in the past because of our money problems (and dwindling sex life), but says he doesn't want to leave his children (his own father did that).

Last night things came to a head when he said he wants me to print off our bank statements to see where the money is being wasted. The way he said it was as if I was to blame. His passive aggressiveness makes me feel like I am the one to blame for our money problems, even though I never "control" what he spends or stop him from doing the things he likes.

I have a lovely supportive family who have offered to help financially, but as he doesn't get along with them any money I borrow would have to be in secret - not a good basis for a relationship!!

Luckily our toddler is staying at her grandma's for a couple of weeks over summer and doesn't have to witness us arguing. I am so worried about going this pregnancy alone, but I can't see us carrying on for much longer, even though I dearly love him.

Can he not return to work so you're both contributing financially. His hours could work round yours, if childcare is an issue.

I do think you need to look at bank statements too and work out a clear budget. Cut costs where you can, decide how much money can be spent a month on trips, clothes, nights out etc. Have a separate account for bills and move the money just for those across, so you know what you have left perhaps? Put £10 away a week for a rainy day too. Then you'll have something to dip into if needed in due course for emergencies.

You may have to re evaluate where you live. Children can share a room whilst young. You need to try and ease the financial pressure on you both.

You need to have a frank discussion listening to each other, with neither of you getting defensive, or blaming each other, removing feelings and sticking to facts only.

It can be worked through if you're both prepared to listen to each other and find a way forward that works for you both imo.

He's bored, there's not enough money for him? Silent treatment and threats if he doesn't get his way...I had one of these....eventually sent him packing. I thought that might encourage him to get a job but he's found another mug to sponge off instead.

Sounds like he needs to go to work! No point him being a stay at home dad if he resents it and you can't afford it!!

I agree with the PP... the words 'if you're so unhappy, get a bloody job' are just itching to be said. :)

What's wrong with printing off the bank statements btw? Don't you both check the household budget as a matter of course?

Does he want to go back to work? Surely that's a talking point. If no, then printing off the bank statements and going through them to work out a budget isn't a bad thing to do. Perhaps he isn't sure (or both of you aren't sure) how much spending money you both actually have resulting in you both overspending. The way dh and I do it is all money goes into a joint account, all bills paid from this and food budgeted for then whatever is left is split equally between us and transferred to our own sole accounts to spend as we wish. Maybe you could work out something similar so he feels he has some control over his own money?

(Not sure how relevant that is as it's unclear how your finances work at the moment but it seems apparent to me he feels he doesn't have a full picture of the budget).

I know I'm probably projecting but I can't help seeing some 'red flags'...he makes you feel like it's your fault, he doesn't like your family and you feel you would have to sneak behind his back to accept help from them, silent treatment when things don't go his way...