I am feeling increasingly angry at my exH - not sure how to deal with it

[Notcontent]

To cut a long story short, my exH left when my dd was a small baby! to start a new life with OW. Many years have now passed - dd I nearly 8 now. He has been fairly decent in some respects - he has always given us financial support (he can well afford it!) and when dd was a baby and toddler he used to see her infrequently, but he was more engaged and interested.

But in recent years he seems more and more distant and uninterested. On average he sees dd every 3 weeks or so - sometimes once a month. I am feeling increasingly angry at him about it, as I think now dd is picking up on this. I have tried to talk to him about things in a non-accusing way, but he refuses to really engage. But at the same time he will often make out that it is somehow my fault that he doesn't spend more time with her.

There isn't much I can do, is there?

How can it be your fault unless you are making him seeing his daughter difficult?

No, there is not much you can do other than to make it clear that you're prepared to be as flexible as possible to facilitate access. Your real job is to reassure your daughter that her father sees her as much as he can and it's most certainly not her fault if he can't do this as much as she would wish.

I disagree that you should tell a child that her father sees her as much as he can. I am all for playing nice, and being really sensitive about you tell DC. But there is a little voice in my head that thinks that if an adult's piss poor behaviour is excused and normalised, that the DC will grow up to think it is ok for people to treat them like this, and really - it is not. But that said it can be phrased delicately in another way. I agree to say over and over that it is not the child's fault in any way. I always wonder whether a voodoo doll with pins might not work with an absent distinterested parent? If anyone tries it and it does, let me know!

No I disagree I don't think you should start saying negative things about him. Does she have a problem with it being every three weeks or do you? If it is her then you ought to say lets call your dad and see when he's free?

Ask him to provide his idea of a perfect non resident parent schedule. Negotiate a little if it doesn't suit you. Then make it work.

Bolster her self-esteem as far as you can and get counselling for her. If I could turn back the clock, that's what I'd do for my dd who grew up in similar circumstances.

What Quitelikely said.

When DH and me split up our DC were a similar age to your DD. In my view he was a useless shit - he'd arrange to see them and then turn up 3 hours late or not at all as he had a headache I would rant like an old fish wife and the DC were pretty clear about my views on him.

But he was their Dad and they loved him, and my shouting at him/about him and making my feelings about him obvious to them didn't do them any good and it didn't exactly encourage him to come round more often. Their Dad was a useless shit, but it was me that was upsetting them with my ranting.

Many years later my DCs are young adults. They make their own arrangements to see their Dad. The contact is, and never has been, as frequent as I've thought it should be, but now they can make their own decisions about him and they have chosen to keep in contact. (He is not a bad person, just lazy and focussed on his own needs). My youngest is going on holiday with him in the summer.

If I had my time again I would accept that he is not me, and will do things differently. I would leave it up to him and the DC to make arrangements for their time together. I would keep my big gob shut and not share my views on him with the DC. And I would do what I do now, which is welcome him into my home with a cheery smile and then leave him and the DC together to get on with it.

Oh I never said anyone should say negative things, quite agree that is wrong. But there is a big difference between negative and overegging the (inaccurate) positive. I agree with the posters about doing things to bolster your DC's self-esteem, at the end of the day the child's confidence and ability to face the world that matters.