Sadness - parents , break, things are tough

[Bedtime1]

I am taking a break to try and reassess my life. I've been so stressed and just need to decide what I want from my life as I am not happy.

I need to look at everything. My relationship with my parents is also bad. They have been quite horrible to me for years. Taking there issues out on me etc. my mum definitely qualifies on the narcissistic personality disorder level. Put downs, belittling from both parents. Bullying no support for me. They never acknowledge when they have hurt me and if they do they say " don't be silly wouldn't intentionally hurt you" then say but you have then they say " your sensitive . So basically not acknowledging it and never say sorry.

It hurts as she keeps asking me to go for a drink which sounds nice but it feels like a kick in the teeth with how much she has hurt me and never listened or said sorry. So I am angry with her. Of course I'd like drinks out and relaxed times but how can you when underneath I just feel absolute anger towards her . So every time I get that text which seems nice I'm just feel wary and feel bad that I can't go but she's hurt be badly. Does this make sense to anyone?

It's hard to think your all alone but it's hard being involved with the constant stress and dramatics . I want to try and align my life with less stress, peace and happiness . I feel guilty too.

Can you provide a little more context? Your age perhaps? Do you live with your parents? Do you have family of your own? Children? Want to expand more on 'constant stress and dramatics'?

I don't live with them no. I don't have children. I feel stressed. I'm in a rut with my own life . I'm not sure what I want to do anymore career wise . I have issue with anxiety and am early 30s.

The constant stress and dramatics come from my parents really which affects my life with dh, then We argue because I get stressed as I'm anxious. Life sucks at the moment even though I have some good things in life. I don't enjoy them when I'm upset a lot. My mother causes so much trouble. There's many examples. She wants constant attention and is nasty if she doesn't get it, she plays mind games and tells lies to my sisters and rest of the family about a person if she doesn't get away so that then affects your relationship with them say my sister.

I've tried so hard to change things with mum etc but she just doesn't change. She guilt trips me if it's not her way. I feel I want to walk away in order to save myself. She is a vicious person if she's not being pleased but then no matter what she's never happy, no matter what you do!

"You're too sensitive" is always, always used to excuse bad behaviour. It interests me how people sometimes go to special, new levels of button-pushing nastiness in order to get a reaction that can be manipulated into supporting this idea that the other person is somehow at fault for being upset.

I think you've answered your own question really. Tell me, if anyone else in your life was being nasty, demanding attention, playing mind games and bitching about people behind their backs, how would you respond? Would you be trying to change their behaviour or giving them a wide berth? :)

Someone will be along shortly to suggest you go No Contact (NC) and it's a legitimate strategy. Given that she's miserable and vicious whether you are in contact or not, and given that you appear to be stressed and anxious, you might find it easier just to quietly remove yourself from her life rather than make it too dramatic an exit. She is not going to change... You can change your approach.

Your family, I would suggest, is now you and DH. Do your own thing, enjoy the things that make you happy, be with people you like (and who like you) and leave everyone else to their own devices. Fill your diary with nice things. Let the phone go to the answer machine. They'll carry on bitching and demanding attention etc but you won't be there to hear it.

Good luck

When she asks, say "No thanks" and leave it at that.
Do you have counselling?
Have you got any techniques?
One of the first I learned, thirty years ago, was to make a big pile of cushions (floor cushions are great for this) and beat seven types of shite out of them, whilst telling them (it leads to shouting) exactly what you think. You'd name the cushions 'Mum' and start the first punch with 'This one's for you, Mum, from me!' and then go on to tell her exactly what she's done and how it made you feel, and even what you think about it now and how you'd like to move on.
You feel a prat at first but when you get into it, you feel great afterwards.

I feel I want to walk away in order to save myself.

This is a valid option.

Question: How far do your sisters realise what's going on? Because if they have any clue at all, then it is going to help a lot. Communication, open communication, is the best. It brings all sorts of hidden deceits and lies into the open. If you can talk to them, then it's worth banding together against your mother's manipulation.

In the end, if you went no-contact would it affect the relationship with your sisters? and would it matter to you if it does?

As a general rule though, I'd say that if you have a clear desire to do something and it doesn't adversely affect someone else unfairly, then do it. In this case, it certainly isnt unfair to go NC. Apart from anythign else, it's badly affecting your relationship with your husband atm from what you say, and he should come first in your life (unless you have children). Things that drag you down and affect your relationship with him badly are not good.

I think, follow your heart.

Take time out, be alone and start getting stuck into your version of what is true and your version of what a hot future would look like.

I understand entirely your feelings about your parents. It's alright to fly the nest. You don't need their approval in quite the same way now.

Follow your heart always. It will lead you right xx and good luck xxx

Why not just step back from your mother for a while. I bet your anxiety improves. I doubt she will ever change her approach towards you so you need to change yours towards her. I'm not saying cut her off or anything like that but just keep your distance for a few weeks.

Thanks. One sister lives at home So mum has her wrapped round her little finger. She doesn't see the situation properly,feel sorry for her. But she carries out same nastiness sometimes as mum does because she's sticking up for my mum as she doesn't get her yet . My other older sister gets treated same way as me by my mum and younger one but with me the older sister displays all the same traits as mum and treats me in same way as mum treats us two. It's complicated but neither sister treats me well even though with older one we both get treated in same way by mum and younger one who lives at home. It's strange. Older one treats many people badly though so it's not just me but she gets so upset with the way mum treats her.

I used to be very close to younger one who lives with mum when I lived at home but there's no kind of relationship now because in order for there to be one I'm forced to be friends with mum . If not she is nasty like mum so basically mum does everything she can - lies, manipulates sister into falling out with me if I am not giving her attention and seeing her etc or if she happens to be jealous, then she causes bother between us. My sister is like brainwashed by her. I'm upset about this. I have gone along with this sort of what feels like bullying and blackmail/ threats in order to see my sister for many years. I know sister isn't nice but I feel she's young and that's down to my lying mother, who makes out we are horrible to her and that it's everyone else but her.

I feel guilty about not seeing mum but at Same time I can't go on. She makes me feel so bad, by saying things like but "I'm your mum" how could you be so cruel it makes me feel bad particularly with society and people around who seem to think mothers can do no wrong and your strange to not see your mum then mum reinforces this with I'm your mum business which she's cultivated all my life that mums are special and also can do whatever they like even if it means bullying or abusive, mum knows best etc , so she can do whatever. I have to just "get over it" because she will always be family and my "mum" so she gets away with so much. It's this guilt tripping that makes me go back time after time. I hate though the way she makes me feel. And I am frightened because I don't have a lot of people around me, I'm scared of having No one and she's put the fear of god into me that I won't be able to cope without her. When I moved out she said I wouldn't be able to cope and would be back. She also abuses the fact that I won't be able to see my sister eg " she won't think highly of you if you don't see your mum " and when I have in the past and me and mum were not speaking then my sister is terrible with me. She's only nice to me if I am speaking to mum etc so I know mum has said things to her. She makes me feel so alone if i was to cut contact.
It's like I need someone to say to me " it's okay, your right with how you feel and been treated, Your feelings are right. It is true she has been horrible. It's okay to walk away at least for a while. " I question my feelings and version of events and I just want to know that I'm not overreacting , that it is bad enough to walk away. That I'm not just too sensitive like my mother points out and should stop being daft and just see her etc. or listen to her stock answer that " life's to short " and that I'm wasting valuable times with her and she will be dead soon Which makes me back down. But it's also too short to be utterly miserable and utterly lost and not getting out of my own rut . I'm suffering and she doesn't seem to care. Thanks for listening to such deep feelings.