Disagreement on when to have another baby- feeling sad it might not even happen

[BabyAche]

I desperately want to have another baby with my husband but we have disagreed when to, so much so that I fear that we might not have another child and it is making me so sad.

My husband is from the ME, he has been here int he UK for about 10-11 years. We have been together for nearly 7 years and have a daughter who turned 3 in May this year. We are planning on moving to his home country in around 4 years, I am very happy about this, I adore his (very large!) family, the weather is great, we built a lovely house in his home town, when we visit his country I volunteer in the city hospital in the trauma/burns departments which is the field which I love and see cases I would never see in the UK, I would work in this hospital when we move.

Before we married we discussed how many children we would like and we decided on 2, with a 2-3 year gap between children. Following the birth of our daughter my husband in particular found the changes that brought about quite hard and the first 6-9 months of her life was quite hard. I think it was more of a change than he expected plus coming from a place where men generally don't parent as we do in the UK he had a tough time adjusting. Thankfully from the time she was about a year coinciding with my return to work all be it part time he has been a great parent. During the tough time in the early months several times my husband said to me he can't do it again i.e have another child. I didn't really say a lot at the time as it was mostly said when she was ill and crying/not sleeping and such. Last year when visiting his home town I over heard the end of a conversation between my husband and one of his brothers where my husband said (along the lines of- my Kurdish is good but not perfect!) when our daughter was older he would consider having another child.

I have been wanting to have another baby since my daughter was about 18 months, for the last few months this has become so strong I actually feel like I am physically aching for another child. I decided to ask my husband if/when we would have another child. He just answered not until we move to my town because we can't do it on our own. I tried to discuss this and it was just shut down, he won't say anything else on the matter. I have been in tears in the couple of days since, I haven't brought it up again because I am worried if I do it will be off the cards completely. But I think it is anyway as I don't want to and will not give birth in his country.

The care pre natal, labour and post natal care is nothing compared to here. I don't want to give birth and have to listen to what is being said in a language which is not my own and worry about trying to ensure i am understood properly. I would be 32-33 on moving so will worry about slightly higher risks with higher a age. I don't want to have such a gap between children, I don't want to go back to baby days after such a long time I want to finish this stage sooner rather than later. When I move I want to work not have to wait because i am pregnant or have a young baby. I have always had a coil when not pregnant, we had decided that after our last child I would have a coil for 6-12 months and then I wanted to be sterilised and my husband would have a vasectomy- these are not available in his country.

It just feels so unfair that the goal posts have moved, I know of course that it was invertible they would, nothing goes 100% to plan I am just pissed that there is not willingness to compromise. I wanted to suggest I have my coil removed in the next few months as our daughter will be at school in September so there would not be 2 children at home all the time easing the pressure a little. He wants to wait for another 4 years to try and get pregnant and won't discuss a compromise.

I wanted to suggest to wait another year to have my coil out, obtaining a visa for his mother or youngest sister to enable help in the first month or 2 of having 2 children me not returning to work if it is that he feel unable to care for 2 children alone and not working until we move (this is financially possible) but, no, there is no discussion. I just don't know where to go from here.

I even in a moment of pure madness and rage just thought fuck it just take my coil out and not tell him but I wouldn't it was just an irrational angry thought. Then I thought no he moved the goal posts I will tell him I am having my coil out and he needs to sort contraception out if he doesn't want a baby now. Again an angry rash thought but still in my moments of calmness think why the fuck not.

I just don't know how to move on from/past this

I would be very careful about moving to the ME with a child, and especially about having another child out there.

Maybe it's just me being paranoid, but you might want to check out some of the other threads from women who met their partners in the UK, moved to the ME, and the husband basically had a personality transplant, which led to the marriage imploding. I've definitely seen more than one thread of that story.

Not to mention if things were to go wrong you'd have to get his permission to leave the country with the kids...

Is that massive question mark really outweighed by a bit of nice weather?

To me personally it sounds like he is holding you to ransom - he knows that you want another child, but he is using that as a bargaining chip to make sure you move to the ME with him. To me that's weird as you already seem keen to go. So why is he so desperate that he still feels the need to hold a second child from you until you guys move?

Well, he is controlling you by moving the goal posts. I agree with kaykay about the previous threads about Jeckle and Hyde changes once relocating to his turf. Be very careful...in fact perhaps move your own goal posts, which may be telling (forcing him to dip his hand).

The picture you present seems very very nice. But is it an "almost too good to be true" circumstance? The material things will not mean a jot when you are suddenly treated as all the other women there are treated by menan object servant, silent. The women there may be against you as well.

Sorry to seem so cautious. But imho while he is in the UK, his intelligence can override cultural traditions (ie, respect you). But back home, with pressure from everywhere, the culture of disrespecting women will, I predict, quickly override your feelings to save face with the men.

Then, there your child will be legally his "property" (if I read the previous threads right, please research this). If you might want to end the relationship (and if he turns and is emotionally/mentally abusive you should end it), and return to the UK, you might find your child/children in his sole custody.

That is a very big risk. Too much to risk imho. Move your goal post- refuse to relocate. Has he been whining about the weather to you constantly? Is he brainwashing you against your own original environment? For me, I'd miss the color green/gardens/trees too much to trade it for sandy brown.

I think he found the first child very hard (some folk do) and he is basing his decision on that. I think that's a fair and honest answer and a good approach to the situation. After all he has compromised.

Thanks for the replies.

I honestly think him not wanting to have another child here is due to how difficult it is with no help from family, I know he found the change very hard and he did used to say (daughters name) has nearly killed us- meaning tiredness/lack of freedom/relationship strain by not being able to go out together.

I don't think it is a way of controlling to get me to relocate. I loved they people and life there from the first time I visited, it was me who suggested in the first place to relocate. We have spent 6-7 week stretches there and I didn't see a change in his behaviour in that time, he still cared for our daughter, sorted washing, made food/tea even though his mum/sisters and brothers were telling him not to he was telling them its everyones job not just mine/his mums/sisters and got on with his jobs anyway.

He also sorted out my volunteering in the hospital for me as he knows a Doctor there. He has just paid his zakat (2.5% of disposable income) to a womens organisation similar to womens aid but much smaller who have safe houses for women in several cities, has given the tips jar in his business to this charity this year also, so he is quite different to a lot of men from his country.

I think that yes I will have to move my goal posts so to speak.

My husband is also from ME, and is Muslim and he found the change very tough with our first DD. He said very similar things. 'DD is killing us' 'I'm dead' alllll the time. He finds the financial implications hard and he just struggled and worries constantly.

He visited his mum last year in his homeland, just him. We stayed here n he had a short visit. We had been fighting about having second baby as I wanted another and he wanted to 'wait and see when she's older'. He spoke to his mum about it and she told him off! She said it was ridiculous to wait so long and to deny me my children and things like that. When he got back to England he was ready to try again. Not because mummy told him to, but cos he understood my need for number 2 better. I am now 31 weeks almost!
Perhaps he doesn't realise how strongly you feel and that maternal longing is quite a consuming emotion.

I do echo the previous posters though with regard to being very careful about relocating prior to birth of second. And I also feel to add that during your visits he is still acting the equal westerner. But this could change over a longer period back home. Once working again and really living there he could become more traditional, this could be very tough.
He is controlling by refusing to even discuss it. That would infuriate me.
You need to be clear that you will not relocate until after baby is born. You run the risk of him saying 'never gonna happen then' but this will give you a indication of who he truly is.
Can I just ask: does he have British citizenship? Or is he here on visas still?