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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I just tell him?

41 replies

SingleSock · 11/07/2014 21:18

I've been separated from my H for almost a year following the discovery of yet another affair.

Since then he swings between being really nasty and begging me back. He's also bordering on obsessive about me moving on, constantly asking me if I'm seeing anyone, asking if I pulled on nights out, accusing me of blocking him on Facebook to cover up my new relationship, etc.

I've always told him that I have no interest in meeting anyone else which up until recently was true. However, I have since slept with another man and 'pulled' as he puts it on nights out as well as considering dating. Should I just tell him the truth so he stops asking and can deal with it?

I think he will be very hurt and not to mention angry at me which I'd like to avoid for obvious reasons. Not that he ever did me the courtesy of being upfront about his antics mind Hmm. I'm kind of hoping he manages to move on soon (if he hasn't already) which will pave the way for me doing the same.

Anyone got any advice on how I should handle this please?

OP posts:
Original poster
SingleSock · 11/07/2014 22:05

Yes, he was EA during our relationship too - all 12 years Sad. I actually didn't realise this until I joined MN and he made me post a thread about what a shit wife I was for leaving a sweet wrapper on the floor by mistake. Loads of posters spotted the red flags once I was able to post properly without him telling me what to write. It still took another 18 months before I left though and it was his 8th affair that was the nail in the coffin.

I've been so much happier since I left but beginning to realise his abuse has left a lasting legacy. I have the freedom programme open as a tab on my computer which I'm hoping to start ASAP.

OP posts:
PIVOT · 11/07/2014 22:12

Oh I'm sorry to hear you went through that and definitely great you are moving forward. But you need to sharpen yourself up, he has conditioned you to his controlling, he made himself king of the castle and won't give that up easily. I had an ex like this. They are the biggest fucking hypocrites going. He could have convinced me black was white, took ages to get out of that fog. Which reminds me - reading about FOG - Fear Obligation, Guilt might Br useful

AnyFucker · 11/07/2014 22:19

Start it tonight. Immediately.

bigoldbird · 11/07/2014 22:28

Hello, will admit I haven't read the whole thread, but my experience was very similar with ex still wanting me to be answerable to him about everything (even after 10 years).

About 6 months ago he arranged to come over at 7 to see the (adult) children. He turned up at 4.30 and no one was in. He rang up and had a massive go at me because we were out. I simply replied, you said you were coming at 7 and whatever he said to me I just repeated 'you said you were coming at 7'. I didn't engage in any other way, just kept repeating myself and eventually he gave up.

He made no further contact for 6 months which was brilliant. He rang yesterday supposedly to ask when our oldest daughter's graduation ceremony will be, why he can't ask her or look it up online like i do I don't know. The only way to deal with these people is to disengage and refuse to be drawn into their nonsense. It has taken me 10 years to learn that.

hamptoncourt · 11/07/2014 22:36

"What are your plans for the weekend?"

"None of your business" Smile sweetly.Shut door.

You can do this.

clam · 11/07/2014 22:41

"I dread to think what he would do if he found out"

What do you mean? What would he do?

Original poster
SingleSock · 11/07/2014 22:43

Thanks everyone for the advice. I know I really need to put a stop to this. I feel like I've come a long way already but I just need to find something from somewhere to stop feeling like he has a right to me and and my life.

He lets himself in my house unfortunately - just walks in. I might start keeping the door locked.

OP posts:
Original poster
SingleSock · 11/07/2014 22:44

clam, he would almost certainly beat up any man that touched me. He's an ex rugby player and very strong. I don't even want to think about it Sad.

OP posts:
clam · 11/07/2014 22:48

Absolutely keep the door locked.

Sounds like you did very well to get rid of him.

AnyFucker · 11/07/2014 22:49

why don't you lock your door ?

would you think it ok for any randomer off the street to walk in your house uninvited ?.....then it's not ok for him...he does not live there

hamptoncourt · 11/07/2014 22:55

You don't lock the door?

Change the locks.

Layter · 11/07/2014 22:57

Try getting him to email or text times for pick up. You are well out of this relationship, keep up the good workSmile.

Have some stock replies prepared along the lines of 'those are unnecessary details' and 'excuse me, I have things to do, please tell me when you are picking up dc'. Cut him off politely if you feel like being polite.

Point out that by cheating he has ended this relationship, he has no right to information about your life, as far as the children are concerned he has to trust you. As you have to trust him when they are with him.

I hope some of that makes sense, what sounds right in the privacy of my brain seems like gibberish when I write it down. I had my own cocklodger to deal with, arms length works very well.

heyday · 11/07/2014 22:57

The ball is in your court now. You HAVE to take the control back. You have spent years being totally under his control so it won't be easy for you to change overnight but just make simple changes slowly. Tell him he has to collect/drop off kids at the door, he can't come in any longer. Do you have a friend/neighbour who can change the locks for you as your house will never be the yours whilst he has a set of keys and lets himself in freely. If you can't change the locks then tell him you lost your keys,can you borrow his and don't return them.
Stop answering his questions. If he asks you what you are doing at the weekend just say you're not sure yet, nothing more than that. Gradually you will be able to block his invasive questions more and more, the stronger you become.
And most importantly of all, stop feeling guilty. You have done nothing wrong here. The relationship is over, dead ......and he has no claim on your life whatsoever.
It's time to get strong and stay firm so that you can finally enjoy the freedom that is rightly yours.

kaykayblue · 12/07/2014 13:44

jesus, why are you responding to these questions? How difficult is it to say "my plans aren't really any of your business and I don't want to discuss them".

You guys aren't "mates". He has no "right" to know what your plans are, who you are seeing, who you are dating, etc.

He is only doing this to control you - you know that right?

FunkyBoldRibena · 12/07/2014 14:16

I might start keeping the door locked

Erm, yes - of course keep the door locked.

'What are your plans for the weekend'
'No idea yet, right kids have a lovely weekend, see you on Sunday' >close door

SolidGoldBrass · 12/07/2014 14:52

Just smile brightly and repeat 'It's none of your business' every time he asks a nosy question. Walk away or turn your back on him and completely ignore the subject if he carries on trying to ask questions. IT@S FINE TO DO THIS. He's just a wanky little man you unfortunately have to put uip with from time to time ie at handovers. Otherwise, block all contact from him,. He doesn't matter.
If he becomes aggressive, involve the police when necessary. Men like this just have to be treated with calm, patronizing indifference and a total refusal to rise to their baiting.

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