tribpot,
I have had this on my mind all night,it seems daft, but I can't understand the secrecy bit on my dh's part.
I did something that would never had occurred to me in our long marriage, I had a look at dh's texts to his dsis.
he doesn't hide his phone.
she text to say happy birthday, and he replied ...thank you, how are you, that was about it, nothing about me!
the same sort of " relationship there has always been, just the annual contact.
I feel it's almost as though he is saying, I know how you treated my dw, but we are still the same, you will always be my dsis.
jan45,
yes, he should have "had my back" the first time she abused me, but as he says, he hates "confrontation" a relic from his childhood.
it does feel a bit like a slap in the face, but maybe he still sees dsis as the young girl he remembers from childhood.
but from what I have learned over the years, she is the dominant, controlling matriarch, even "boasting" at one time that she was going to "bring her grandson up herself" as though he was an orphan.
ivybeagle,
for sure, he doesn't know how to handle it, even when I have reassured him that "it is okay to see/speak to his dsis" if he wants to, he replies that I am his dw, and I come first and always will.
optimist1
..yes, dh is conflicted, though, they haven't actually had increased contact recently, the last was about 6 months ago, then nothing.
but he always has "hopes" that the relationship will improve, but she goes hot and cold, always has.
yes, I agree that he secretly replied, in order not to "upset me" although I have laid my cards on the table so to speak, by saying, the last time she took her rage out on me, that I wasn't asking him to "choose", he could speak to her whenever he wanted.
so, really I have already explained the best way forward for me, as she told him quite clearly, she didn't want to " see me or speak to me again"
I think that she has always been a (emotional) school ground bully, and dh is afraid to upset her.
I don't know, it's odd, I am the only one she has abused, baring in mind the absolute minimal contact there has been over the decades.
many years ago, when I answered the phone, said "hello" and she began to shout at me, why do I always answer the phone when she wants to speak to dh!
why doesn't he answer, actually he hates the phone and always leaves it to me to answer.
I got to the point that if I heard her voice, I would panic, wondering what trouble she would cause again.
so , whatever I do, I am wrong.
I apologise at such a long message, particularly as it sounds so trivial, not a major life changing issue,but she is a dark could on our happy marriage.