would you consider leaving?

[worrysum]

I met my h 10 years ago. We have been married 6 years and have 2 dds aged 2 and 4. when preg with dd2 I discovered my h had spent over ?300 in a few days on sex lines at our new home. on further investigation it transpired this had been going on for at least 9 months and he had spent at least ?1000 (he was made redundant during this time and money was a problem).

When I discovered all this he was devastated as I threatened to leave him. We were living near my parents and my mother persuaded me to stay as he is a good man in many ways and he promised he would never do anything like it again.

about 6 weeks ago i came downstairs at midnight to find him in the garden sending phone sex texts to an ex work collegue. The texts were explicit and they seemed to be making plans to meet (Myself and DDs were about to go away for w/e). i rang the woman involved and she said thay had just had too much to drink (they were both pissed).

My h didn't seem to care too much that eve and fel asleep on the sofa. He was mortified in the morning and realised how upset i was. she doesn't work with him now and he has no contact with her but i feel there is no trust left and can't be sure there ever will be. i am so upset and this is the first time i have discussed it as i also feel very humiliated.

my h drinks every night and still smokes outside and i don't know what he is up to (who does?)

He is reassuring at times and says i can check his phone or whatever but he is also short tempered with me and the dds and is cross as i am unhappy about him going out with work collegues and staying away (on Fri).

I am shaking and crying at finally discussing this but feel it has to come out(up till now we have been acting normally, holidayed etc - but now there is school i have 2 mins to myself to think!)

yes I would. Not to say I would leave, but would definately be thinking about it.

It's sounds like he is depressed over redundancy etc and handling it in a very male way.

no the redundancy may have been a factor but the calls started before. we upped sticks and moved to a cheaper area so he could change careers and it is in this new job that this has happened. (i have been incredibly supportive of this decision and became sole breadwinner for a while)

I would def consider leaving, and indeed threaten to. Unacceptable behaviour. So sorry he is behaving like this

sounds like it just a symptom of a bigger problem he has. In terms of low self esteem re redundancy and the need to drink to make things seem better.

I would try and talk to him seriously about getting help for that and back into a job or someting worthwhile that he can respect himself for. And warn him if he doesn't then you will not be able to tolerate a spiral down to more of this, and it may end up in your splitting up.

midlife crisis maybe and not handling the responsibility of being a parent well.

i just feel unsure about things on every level. every day i consider other work collegues he has talked about and have suspicions about everything. he is a very charming chatty bloke and gets on well with women so i have had alarm bells ring before when someones name crops up too often. I just worry that i have scratched the surface by finding out these times by chance ( i have told him this and he swears that its not the case).

the drinking is not too excess. but he does have st least one every night so he can have a fag ( this does worry me). He would get v. drunk on fri if he goes out with the office lot and will be out of control possibly.

will be back later - school run now. thx for listening.

Yes, I would consider leaving him. That doesn't have to mean it ends in divorce.

you can still be dependent on it even if it is only a small amount - although presumably it does much less damage to your body.

Try and tell him what you have said here - that you are not sure what to think. Don't accuse - just say you are struggling to understand what is going on. Tell him he needs to tell you honestly if there are problems - and that you will try and help him work things out.

Is he still redundant ? Can you help him get a job (or volunteer) ?

Does he think he has a problem with drink or that he drinks to much ?

Has he made any explanation about what he has done.

Do you want to make the relationship work by trying counselling or do you think things have gone past this point.

no he is not redundant. now in new and sucessful career ( if not lucrative ) and he seems happy with job. we have fab house and live in lovely area where we have lots new friends. from outside we would appear to have everything inc two gorgeous healthy daughter who adore him! Really must go and get them now back later..

bottom line is you don't trust him. you're worrying about his work colleagues, and you have found things that he's kept from you. spending £1000 on sex lines is a fairly serious deception, especially when you're not earning. it sounds to me like you're very unhappy with the situation.

i'm afraid that i would think very seriously about the future. and let him know too.

Not much to add, except I agree with the others: I'd let him know there's a real risk of separation if he doesn't control his fantasies (and drinking) more. Good on you for being so strong and forgiving until now. Also what if the kids were to press redial or look at his inbox?

Sorry but i failed to get back on comp last night. had a good chat about things this am as he had polished off a bottle of wine last night.
Hes agreed he needs to sort drinking (we have discussed this before) and he has agreed we should talk to a third party about things to try and resolve things. i do still love him and want to make it work for our sake and the girls.
he had assumed it was all ok.
thx for listening as I would have not raised the issue without support of Mumsnet.

does anyone have any recommendations regarding relate or similar - we live out in the sticks.