Just fallen out with my mum

[Em1503]

A bit of a background story, me and my mum have not been close over the last few years, I still see her regularly but we don't have a close mother-daughter relationship. This is due to her drinking and self pity and the whole world is against her attitude. We've tried to help her but she won't change and it's draining and I'm sick of hearing it.

Anyway I went for a scan a few days ago (38 weeks pregnant) and she's said I've hurt her because I went on my own instead of inviting her along (DH couldn't make it) she can't understand after everything that's gone on with us not having that close relationship why I wouldn't ask her to come. It's such a special time for me and I don't want her tainting this for me and DH with her attitude. Anyway it's opened a whole can of worms and I feel that things are worse than ever between us.

She can't see how her attitude affects everybody, she won't seek help or accept any, yet I feel so guilty and annoyed about the situation and I don't know what to do.

You can't fix her.

If you can bear it, the kindest thing would be to keep contact, even if you have to limit it to what you can tolerate.

Get into sending her home if she steps out of line but then carrying on as normal afterwards. I speak as a mum who has been sent home on more than one occasion. {smile]

or

I have a totally normal relationship with my mum, and it would not have even crossed my mind to invite her to my scan.

Just shrug it off. If she's ignoring you, enjoy the peace and quiet!

If she continues just tell her to like it or lump it!

You comments have both made me feel better, thank you! She's coming round this morning, will see what happens...

Have you got some stock responses for her (doubtless) stock moany phrases? Is she a regular visitor, or coming round specially this morning to have a go at you?

How about tell her that you are having a baby in +-2 weeks? She can see it then?

Although you may need to start putting boundaries down, and soon.

Yes, I get on fine with my mum and still wouldn't have taken her to a scan! Just don't mention it and if she does, say 'Is that going to spoil our morning together or are we going to move on and have a good time?'

You don't say if this is your first child but IME it changes your perspective becoming a parent. The focus shifts to the baby, your priorities change radically, and I think it makes you reassess things and become a lot less tolerant to the general petty crappiness that life throws up. Attention-seeking pissheads that want their ego massaging all the time?... On your bike, right?

So start as you mean to go on. Wrench the lid right off that can of worms, say what needs to be said, bruise a few egos and let her deal with the fall-out. She can either accept the role of Granny on your terms or she can get lost. Guilt is for the birds and you've got more important things to be bothered with.

And the above post from Cog is why she is one of my favourite mnetters. Absolutely bang on, if only I had been given advice like that 6 and a half years ago!

Congratulations on your baby

I think we all have ideas in our heads about what our relationships 'should' look like. In her head, I'm guessing she has the kind of relationship with her children where she gets invited to the scan etc and when that didn't happen she blamed you.

A new baby (especially the first grandchild/niece/nephew etc) affects everyone in the family, not just the parents.

When I had my son I had a sense of people reflecting on how this affected them and the feelings ranged from pretty amazing (love) to quite nasty (anticipation of being 'put upon'; jealousy).

I'm really close with my daughter, but her scan was her choice who was or wasn't there. It doesn't affect how we are now.
I'm in total agreement with Cog, start as YOU mean to go on, it'll save you heartache and trouble in the future.
Congratulations on becoming a mum too.

Thanks everyone for the wise words, you are all right, it's good to have the reassurance. She came round this morning, all friendly and happy as though nothing had even happened yesterday?!!? I find it bizarre that she can act like that, but I just let it slide as I really don't want to be getting stressed, angry and upset again whilst pregnant! Yes this is my first

aww congratulatons :)

Just a note for the future: it's quite likely that she will keep on being a bit odd, children changing the whole game as they do. You might have to stop looking to her for support and start being a bit careful with what you tell her, when