Advice for my lovely sister please

[SmilingAtCrocodiles]

DSis and her partner are splitting up, and it's pretty awful at the moment. There's no one else involved romantically for either of them (certainly not for DSis, and I'm pretty sure not for him), but it's extremely acrimonious. He has disappeared, but DSis is getting pretty horrendous text/e-mail messages from him. They have 2 DC (3 and 6), who are with DSis. Ex-partner is currently saying that he never wants to see any of them (DC and my DSis) ever again, because it will hurt him too much. DSis is trying to put her feelings about his behaviour aside and encourage contact him to see the DC because they are obviously confused and want to see him. I suspect that over time ex-partner will relent and will want to see them, but who knows when (if at all). They haven't seen much of him for weeks, and nothing for over a week.

My question is: does anyone have experience of what to tell children in this situation? DSis is obviously extremely upset, and has no idea what to tell them.

Thank you in advance.

Do you know why they split up? Does he have any MH issues that you know of? Frankly, I'd be astonished if there isn't someone new involved. Some people (and it's often men), once they've decided it's over and they're moving on to pastures new, have to make a complete break with everything that's gone before - partner, kids, friends, family, the lot. Plus they have to make out that their old life was truly horrendous as a way of rationalising & justifying their decision. I've seen it a few times, once involving a widower who completely abandoned his grown-up children when he got a new DW, claiming that they had made his life hell.

What to tell the children? I think they'll have to be content with Daddy having 'gone away for a while' but that he'll be back in touch as soon as he can. Keep it vague rather than lie or make promises that can't be kept

As for horrendous messages, I suggest she keeps hold of them just in case things turn nastier and she needs evidence.

Thank you for your response, Cogito - that's really helpful.

I think you're right about the vague explanation to the kids - it's not ideal, but there's no way of being more certain.

The break-up has been a long time coming. But most recently precipitated by some serious financial issues, possible drug use, very different views of what family life should look like. Lots of different stresses. I'd be very surprised if there were anyone else. She ended up breaking up the relationship (after tolerating some serious shit for a long time), and his responses are in anger about that I think.

His total inability to accept any portion of the blame for anything is astonishing. Is this normal at the end of a serious break-up? He's always been like this, but now it's ridiculous.