When you're agreed to get married - but one of you has been there, done that and stained the t-shirt?

[CrushingFfingCandy]

DP and I supposedly getting married next year. This will be my first time. I'm early 30s.

DP was married for 15 years. Therefore he feels that marriage is not a big deal, it's not romantic for him as he's done it before, it doesn't mean much - it's just a legal financial contract and more of a commitment to each other than being non-married.

Therefore, whenever I get excited about us getting married - I'm on my own.

I kind of feel like he sees it as his first marriage was the real thing and this is just about paperwork. Does it matter?

On the whole, I think shared values and attitudes are what make for a good relationship. That said, a lot of people - and not just those who have been married before - are happy to leave the organising, invitation-designing and frock-picking to someone else and just turn up on the day.

So is it marriage he's ho-hum about or the ceremony? If it's the latter, find some girlfriends to go through bridal mags with instead.

You learn from experience. What your DH has learned is that marriage is indeed a legal and financial contract, and not in the slightest bit romantic.

However, he does want to marry you and therefore is committed to you and sees your future together. Is that enough for you?

Are you excited about being married or GETTING married i e the wedding? Weddings are exciting in their way although probably much less so for the man. BEING married is the end product though and your dp has told you he wants to commit to sharing this way of life with you formally, publicly and legally. He knows from experience that weddings are just a day but he STILL wants to do the mundane, repetitive, long-term commitment of marriage with you. I think that's the part to focus on and remember.
That said, I hope you do enjoy the planning and preparations - maybe just look to share the excitement of the more girly things with your friends and family rather than being disappointed he's not as excited as you.

I thought you probably weren't going to marry him? Going by your other thread, my advice would be to have a serious think about whether getting married would be a good idea at all.

Yes I think it does matter. It is obviously worrying you. Have you discussed this with your DP to find out how he really feels about it? Is it that he see's your relationship as less important than his marriage, or just that he is a bit disillusioned with the idea of marriage as it didn't work out last time round?

My other half was also married before, so I do get where you are coming from. We're engaged but have failed to get married yet, though we do have two kids (both of our first children) and will tie the knot sometime this year.

It is easier for me that I'm not a wedding person really, but the main thing is that I am absolutely confident in how much OH loves me, that in terms of that love I am in no way 'second best' for him. Do you have that sense of confidence? I think that is the important thing.

I also think you ought to make it clear to him that even if he doesn't feel romantic about weddings, he needs to find ways to make it clear he feels romantic about you!

Most people on your other thread told you categorically that you shouldn't consider marrying this man.

How many responses do you need before you even acknowledge that he may be a wrong choice and it's time to move on. It's your decision to marry him but asking the question ten different ways to in order to get the answers you want is only going to lead to heartache for you. Why be with a man if he seems to have issues about longing for his ex and kids

Don't think it necessarily has much to do with the fact he's been married before but might be just what he thinks about it fullstop.
For instance ,my partner has kids from a previous marriage so when we had our first I always felt that he wasn't as excited or that to him it was just another child. However ,after having my second ,I can now see that it was actually no different ,I didn't feel a lesser love for my second and I didn't feel less excitement. Partner told me that that's just the way he is ,he doesn't get excited until he has that child in his arms ; it has nothing to do with having been there and done that. I'd assume marriage is no different ,your views don't change just because it's a second marriage as the excitement comes from the fact you're getting married to a particular person not just the marriage in general IYSWIM.

Don't marry him.
Go back to your post on AIBU and re-read all the replies, including yours.
Job done - pack bags or pack his and separate!

I haven't seen your other thread (or if I have I don't remember which thread goes with which username).

Your fiancé probably thinks that with all the money he spent on his last wedding, where did that end up? Whereas for you, this is the first wedding you have had so obviously want it to be a "big deal" (not necessarily a huge wedding but you get what I mean).

Maybe have a chat to him and just outline how you feel.

Then again, neither me or my fiancé have ever been married before, and he finds all the wedding organising extremely tedious. To him getting married has no bearing on a relationship, and is basically doing it because he understands it holds a deeper meaning for me and he loves me. We had a discussion about it a while ago as I got upset, but I understand his view point now.

That said, the wedding isn't particularly important to me, I'm more excited about the marriage part.

DTF.

Deja vu - woo.