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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He's Turkish - Cultural differences or controlling?

49 replies

bitconfuzzled · 10/07/2014 12:09

I've been seeing a guy recently who's Turkish and we keep having arguments.

He'll "joke", I'll be all serious and then he is pissy because he was only joking and now I'm annoyed at him.

He does not like how I can go from happy to annoyed so quickly but I don't like how his comments make me feel.

Just silly stuff like us discussing something, him having a different view to me, me saying "well listen to my side" and him saying "no" in a serious tone and when I go all "fine then, don't listen" and refuse to give him my side, he's pissy again because he said it while smiling, and even with a serious tone, how can he be being serious if he's smiling?

I can't decide whether it is his tone/accent or if he's just trying to play mind games. As he walked away he was smirking/smiling - and I now think that he's a gamer.

OP posts:

Original poster

bitconfuzzled · 10/07/2014 12:53

His father is Turkish and mother is English. He was brought up in London - while spending time in Turkey and with Turkish relatives/family - and says that he has conflict between his Turkish "side" and English "side" where he has two opinions on things sometimes.

I have never dated a Turkish guy before, and have no experience of them or their culture so wanted to ask on here for advice on it as I'm a bit in the dark.

We can have fun together, but I do feel like a mardy piece of meat at others.

OP posts:

Turkswife · 10/07/2014 12:53

My dh of 20 years is Turkish. (Name-changed regular here)

My advice - based on 20 years accumulated wisdom of a multicultural relationship. The guy's a dick. Being Turkish is not an excuse. LTB

As for the scarlethellos cultural-stereotyping about ingrained machismo, sorry but just bollox.

An arse is an arse (or got as they call it in Turkish)

NigellasDealer · 10/07/2014 12:54

so actualy he is not really Turkish then.

Twinklestein · 10/07/2014 12:54

My first love was half Turkish, he wasn't a twat though. This is not 'Turkishness' OP, he's just a knob.

CroydonFacelift · 10/07/2014 12:56

I dont think its being xenophobic or racist or whatever to suggest that men in some cultures have very different views of women and their role.

I wouldnt dream of saying 'all Turkish/whatever/insert culture' men are like X' ....but its naive and untrue to suggest that lots (Not all) of men from certain cultures will have different ideas and expectations of their relationships with women. Its rubbish to suggest otherwise.

CroydonFacelift · 10/07/2014 12:56

He does sound like a dick, though. He is making you feel uncomfortable and stupid. Thats not good.

Original poster

bitconfuzzled · 10/07/2014 12:58

Nigella - I see little difference between him and a "full" Turkish person living in the UK.

OP posts:

NigellasDealer · 10/07/2014 12:59

croydonfacelift is correct IMO for example Polish guys are quite happy to sit around drinking while their pregnant wife carries the shopping home on her way back from work. for them this is normal.

Lottapianos · 10/07/2014 13:00

'Who cares if it's cultural? You don't like it and he isn't going to change.'

This.

I was in a relationship many years ago with a man from a similar culture. I excused a lot of his abusive behaviour and tried to reason it away with the 'cultural differences' explanation. The bottom line was, he was an abusive scumbag whichever culture he came from. I wish I had ditched him way earlier than I did.

Get out now OP. Trust your gut. There are no excuses for his behaviour. He makes you feel crap, that's all you need to know.

BioSuisse · 10/07/2014 13:09

It is really a matter of whether you want to be treated like that. If you feel uncomfortable then LTB.

I spent 5 years with a Turkish man excusing his poor behaviour as just cultural differences. It was inexcusable and i feel a mug for putting up with it.

And don't think that he will change. It is highly unlikely that he will.

settingsitting · 10/07/2014 13:15

If he wasnt half Turkish, then what would you think?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/07/2014 13:19

"I have never dated a Turkish guy before, and have no experience of them or their culture so wanted to ask on here for advice on it as I'm a bit in the dark."

Here's my advice.... judge someone by the way they behave towards you, not on their background, heritage, culture, traditions or anything else superficial. Set the bar high and keep it high. Lower your standards, make excuses for bad behaviour on 'cultural' grounds and you're in for a world of pain ...

PlumpPartridge · 10/07/2014 13:24

Wherever he's from, do not put up with it.

I agree that male attitudes towards women can vary from country to country and, if a man comes from a generally misogynistic culture, he may inadvertently act like a twat from time to time.

If he's a decent sort of person, he will listen to feedback and attempt to change the behaviour that upsets you. If he's genuinely a twat, he will probably go 'Ho ho ho' and pat you on the head like the amusing little sub-human that you are.

My dad was born and raised in a country with a culture very similar to that of Turkey and has somehow managed to mostly not act like a misogynistic douchebag.

BrainSurgeon · 10/07/2014 13:27

Wise words from Cogito! (As always)

There are great people and nasty people and everything inbetween in all nations and cultures.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/07/2014 13:31

bitconfuzzled,

"I just wanted to see if it was a cultural difference ie his tone/accent or if he is just being the usual controlling kind that I attract/date.

Back to being single for me I think..."

Think that is a good idea as well as getting yourself now onto Womens Aid Freedom Programme. Do not date again until you have done that
and also read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft as well.

What did you yourself learn about relationships when growing up?. That needs your due consideration now. What sort of example did your own parents set you?.

The fact too that you are attracting and attract controlling men is itself concerning. Why do you think that is happening?. That screams out to me a total lack of self esteem and self worth and abusive men generally like women who also seem confident on the outside but with shaky self esteem too. You need to love your own self for a change. Do you have rescuer and or saving tendencies as well; if so they need to be completely reigned in now.

You were not put on this earth to try and rescue and or save such arsehats from themselves.

hellsbellsmelons · 10/07/2014 13:35

twat-ness is international

^^^^THIS

GallopingGloria · 10/07/2014 14:21

I agree totally with everyting Attila has said.

Not all Turkish men are like this. However, all abusive men are.

Run away now and keep yourself safe.

Original poster

bitconfuzzled · 10/07/2014 14:38

Thank you everyone.

Attila - I've just looked up the FP and will get onto that, thank you for the guidance :)

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/07/2014 14:45

"the usual controlling kind that I attract/date"

I'm going to disagree with Attila here. You don't 'attract' controlling men any more than the rest of us. The difference is that you are reluctant to ditch them once you've spotted they're arseholes. Here you are asking if it's OK for a man to treat you like shit just because one of his parents is from Turkey... case in point.

What you might want to think about, however, is what these controlling men have in common that you are drawn to. Are they charming? Persistent? Arrogant? A 'bad boy'? Because there are plenty of kind, decent men in the world but they are often a bit quieter, not so pushy, more respectful and maybe don't register with you quite so easily.

Original poster

bitconfuzzled · 10/07/2014 22:16

Cogito - they just come at the right time and I think "why not?" It begins where they say the right things - interesting, flatter me, respect my independence etc and then after then it begins to wear off - they find my independence threatening and they don't really have half of the interests that their sales pitch portrayed.

I know that I have some issues - and I've been making an effort to remain single. This guy came out of the blue and we were only supposed to be friends and then it got out of hand - and now I can see how much I should have kept on being single!

I do appreciate your comments. When his tone of voice is so hard to gauge, I've been wondering for a couple of weeks how much is tone/culture and how much is just him pushing, slowly to find how far I will bend/mold.

OP posts:

MexicanSpringtime · 10/07/2014 23:29

Without having read the entire thread, every country's sense of humor is different, I had a lot of problems when I first came to Mexico with my boyfriend's humor.

That doesn't mean you have to stay with him or anything. If you don't like being with him, look for someone else.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 11/07/2014 07:26

Rather than trying to analyse his tone of voice or unpick his 'culture' and waste your valuable time in the process, I think it would be a good thing for you to simply ditch him.... because. Because it doesn't feel right, because you've got too many questions, because you feel like you're being tested.... doesn't matter really.

I worry about the idea of 'making an effort to be single'. If you frame it that being single is somehow unnatural/undesirable and requires effort you risk exercising poor judgement whenever there's a prospect of a relationship. You will be reluctant to dump bad candidates and you'll be susceptible to flattery. Instead, treat independence as your default/preferred setting and judge the men you date on the basis of whether they actually bring something extra to your life. The minute they don't do that, forget trying to analyse why but cut to the closing credits.

settingsitting · 11/07/2014 07:44

I can understand how you got into this situation op.
tbh, I think that it is a good thread for some others to read too. Perhaps "cultural differences" should be seen as "differences". Some can be got over or compromised, but a lot cannot.

Hissy · 11/07/2014 07:53

He is leveraging the frankly bollocks idea of being forrin to get away with stuff that you'd never tolerate if he were from Milton Keynes. He's half British, has been here long enough to know better, but is choosing to create the cultural mists to get you to minimise the shit he's pulling. If you challenge anything, he'll cite your cultural intolerance and make you feel as though you have no right to object to anything he does/says.

Very common abusive trait. Got nothing to do with his cultural mix per se, but he's making it so.

Think about it, he's telling you loudly and clearly who he is: he has 2 sides, this side, and the side he adopts when he's in Turkey.

So imagine for a second you fast forward into the future and he decides to move you/the kids to Turkey to live. Let me tell you it'll be a whole can of worms you won't easily get out of.

Think Night and Day and the borderline annoying stuff will transform into your worst nightmare.

I have the T-shirt on this one. Trust me, end it now, you'll be saving yourself a potential life time of pain.

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