domestic violence and children

[Jollyphonics]

I went to a talk yesterday given by the local Womens Aid lead, and one of the things she said was particularly interesting, and appeared to contradict what I would naturally assume. I thought I'd post here about it and see what people thought.

Apparently, usually, when young children witness their parent being assualted by the perpetrator, their brains eventually find some way to rationlise it. They find a way to turn the image into something they can understand, to diminish the fear and make it manageable.

But if they are in another room, and they can hear the noises of the assault but not see it, their imaginations go into overdrive, and they invent increasingly terrifying mental images of what may be happening, involving monsters etc.

The speaker said that children who'd heard but not seen domestic violence are much harder to work with, and appear to suffer more traumatic and upsetting memories.

I found that quite surprising.

DV is unacceptable & terrifying in any form, seen or unseen. Rather than making the argument that DV is better if the DCs witness it (which I'm sure she wasn't but that's the logical conclusion) I think the point to take from this is that verbal abuse is just as bad as physical abuse in the imagination of a child.

Yes, you're right, she certainly wasn't making the argument that it was better for children to see abuse. I think her main point was that people are very much mistaken if they think that children are protected from the effects of it if it takes place while they're safely in their bedrooms.

She also said that children are extremely perceptive when it comes to picking up the signs that abuse is going to occur - for example, noticing the tone of the abusers voice change, the way they sit, the way they eat - very subtle changes that show that they are planning to assault their victim shortly.

I found it all quite chilling, especially the matter-of-fact way she spoke, which obviously comes from many years of experience.

It is chilling. I'd also extend it from personal experience to say that there doesn't even have to be physical or verbal abuse going on for children to pick up when there is a rotten atmosphere prevailing in their home. Emotional bullying is just as easily spotted & DCs will experience great stress and distress when there is any kind of 'eggshell treading' going on.

I grew up in a house with severe domestic abuse inflicted on my mother by my father. Most of this abuse went on whilst I was upstairs in bed so was very rarely visually witnessed. I used to lie in bed trembling with fear and too scared to be able to cry.
The trouble is, the more the abuse continues the more 'normal' it becomes. However, I will remain mentally scarred for the rest of my life.
Personally for me I think witnessing the violence would have been much, much worse.
Tragic that so many children are caught up in this sort of tortuous childhood.