why do i care so much?

[MissLoveHearts]

My friend is going through IVF and I am trying to support her as much as I can. Buyijg her dresses, books etc to get her happy hormones going. Praying she becomes pregnant daily... she has been trying for 2 years and in this time I was pregnant with my son. It was a horrrendous pregnancy and I was so ill yet I only saw her twice... first because i didnt want to flaunt my pregnancy infront of her but also she seemed to avoid it which i tried my best to understand. Why she also told me she just wanted to spend time with me and not my kids i tried to understand again.
Now she is well into injecting herself and ive even written in my diary wen she is having scans etc... i am really willing her on. Last time she went to docs she didnt message me after... ok thats fine i said but next time pls let me kmow asap. Yes yes she replied. Yesterday she had another scan... i heard nothing so i decided to text her other close friend that she always slags off to see if she had heard
Oh yes she text me when she got out was her response. I am left wondering why i even bother and whether I can even continue this friendship. I know I am coming on so wondered if I am being overdramatic?

I don't know the details of your friendship, but what I do know is that when I went through IVF I found it very hard when people constantly asked me about how it was going. Whilst I really valued their support and friendship, being obliged to give regular updates can be quite draining. Also, if the news was bad, I felt guilty for spoiling their day by telling them.

You're way too involved and I think it's driven by the fact that you have DCs and she doesn't. You seem to feel irrationally guilty about being fertile when she isn't. I'm staggered that she said she didn't want to see your DCs and you agreed.

Take a whopping great step back from this because I think you're obsessing almost as much as she is. Enjoy your DCs instead

I had three miscarriages and she wanted to know all the info which i did because she was my friend and also i thought we were in it together. Now it seems im not as important as i thought i should be. Def stepping back from this... and yes i do feel guilty that i am fertile and she is struggling although i have never alluded to it

And i didnt think i was being obsessive...she was complaining no one was understanding her situation so i was trying to show her there is someone there and someone does care

I would call daily prayers and diarising her scans obsessive. Understanding is fine but it sounds like very one-way traffic in this case.

You bought her dresses?

It's nice that you being so supportive but I think it's time you backed off a bit. Stay in touch by all means but keep communication on a more casual basis.
Text from time to time and ask her how she is and then get on with the business of living your own life.

I think you really DO need to ask yourself why you care so much about this situation. You are behaving way over the top. This would be excessive for a mother, MIL, or sister to behave towards a pg woman. Even very excited partners and husbands don't get like this. It is very nice that you care so much, but it's obsessive and overwhelming - it's clearly about serving some need, or healing some hurt within YOU, more than it is about supporting a friend. I think this is about your losses, and your guilt, more than anything else. The fact that you're hurt that she doesn't seem to appreciate all this shows you're thinking about yourself, deep down. I don't mean that cruelly, just as the daughter of a martyr, I know how this dynamic goes.

Supporting a friend through miscarriages, and being a good ear and a shoulder to cry on when they need to share the details, is entirely different from what you are doing to her right now.

You are actually making all this about YOU. The scan diarising, the presents, the praying... It's too much. IVF is an unbelievably taxing and difficult time, and so many nasty, and unpleasant things are done to the woman. Women feel like their bodies and lives are being taken over, are not theirs any more. They need to have space, and feel in control. Above all, they need to focus on themselves. The IVF might be the closest she ever gets to pregnancy, and the scans and so on need to be HER thing. Furthermore, if anyone is going to diarise scans and buy gifts, it should be her other half's prerogative. You're talking that role away from him, or turning it into a shared thing.

She's clearly trying to give you the hint to back off. You can be a good friend without smothering.

Maybe you are right
I was just wanting the best for my friend... nothing to do with my own issues.
i am going to back right off x

Drop her. She is poisonous and not at all interested in you.

No, she is not poisonous; but I do think that you are making her pregnancy/IVF all about you, OP. It is her treatment; she should not have to be thinking of your needs and wants, and what you might like to know.

And you should not be badgering her to encroach onto her experience. You may want the best for her - let her enjoy it for its own sake. If she needs a shoulder or a hand, then be there then. Otherwise you are trying too hard, and it's not yours !

And I think if someone bought me dresses, I'd be thinking they were trying to control me, manipulate me, subtly.

Ermm no she was feeling very low and needed cheering up. I sent her a dress as a surprise to cheer her up. I have never made it about me and i never badger her. She is my best friend... we have shared loads of experiences together and she has been just as interested in me as I am in her...

You need to respect her enough to acknowledge she doesn't want to talk as much as you would like her to.

I had IVF for a mammoth 18 years & it changes you as a person - unless you have been through it, as an outsider you really do have no idea/understanding/imagination as to what sort of person/frame of mind/state she is in.

What you do need to know, however, is that at every single appointment, in every hospital call, there are literally so many ifs & buts that unless you've been through it, you don't know how it dominates your life.

I didn't want to discuss it daily, it turned me into an unrecognisable f*ing angry, resentful, bitter, envious monster. When people contacted me just to find results of blood tests, hormone levels, dosages, when the next injection is, questions about cysts & follicles, when the next appointment was it felt like I was feeding their ego about their own fertility. They were rubbing my face in it.

I hate to say it, but if she was your best friend, she wouldn't be contacting others and ignoring you.

Just PLEASE - I mean this in the politest way - If she wants you or needs you, she'll be in touch, so just give her some space.