Am I being ridiculous?:(

[mrsericnorthmaniwish]

Left my emotionally abusive husband who was also a bully,a year ago. Since then we have been to mediation and negotiating between solicitors,however it's not negotiating it's me asking for things and being told no. He sees dcs when he can be bothered, he is supposed to let me know at the beginning of each week if he would like them Saturday or Sunday or not at all - very irritating, he won't commit to anything setso far all contact has been by email, then this last week he has been sending texts! I have replied by email - I don't want him texting me, I have my phone with me at all times and it's for my family and friends to contact me, not him, I know it sounds ridiculous but what gives him the right to decide everything? In all the years we were together he never sent me a text, now he does:( am I being ridiculous?

No, I think you are still having to put up with his bullying. Can you get the contact set out so there is no messing around from week to week. It does sound like he is still controlling you.

No your not being ridiculous. Mediation is pointless with abusive partners, let your solicitor do the negotiating for you and remember, your ex doesn't get to decide how much you get, either you decide together or the judge decides.

Get a proper contact order drawn up with regard to the kids and stick to it. don't let him dictate to you when he will and won't see them.

Ask him to stop texting you - if he doesn't, would it be possible for you to change your number?

He refuses to commit to anything set, it's as and when he wants, uses his work as the excuse:( I am still very much afraid of him(silly I know)

Solicitors seem to be no better than mediation - each request I have made has been thrown back by his solicitors, it's all very one sided and my solicitor seems unable to set down anything as he just refuses everything, there is no compromise anywhere. He refuses to commit to anything set with reference to the dcs, I just don't know what to do:(

Sorry keep pressing enter - I am afraid to ask him to stop, he will then know it's annoying me, that seems to be how he works and is why he is doing it

Could you try a different solicitor? It sounds like you need someone who has a bit more "pitbull" factor in them and is really going to put a fuck ton of pressure on him. I think him feeling the heat is the only way you can prevent this being dragged on and on.

If he refuses to commit to anything set with the children (which seems INCREDIBLY petty by the way - even the children should know which days they will be seeing him), can you call his bluff by pushing for sole custody?

Of course it's not something you would actually follow through on when push comes to shove (I hope), but it might just jerk him out of this little bubble of "everything on my terms when I say so".

If he's determined to be obstructive, there's nothing you can do about that specifically except keep all texts and mails. You don't respond 'please stop' but 'send all correspondence to my solicitor'. Bullies get satisfaction from winding you up but there is no satisfaction from winding a lawyer up.... just a big fat bill.

I would keep the DCs home, btw. Set out the contact schedule and make it clear they are available then and only then.

With regard to the texting, could you get a cheap PAYG phone, give him that as your new number, tell him that it's for emergency contact while DC are with him only, all other communications are to be by email, and block him from your main phone? Then you only switch on PAYG phone while DCs are with him.
How long in advance does he know his work commitments? Agree with PP that this is him trying to control the situation, bully you, and limit your ability to make social plans - a Rottweiler lawyer is what you need, not the pussycat you seem to have now.

Thank you all, it just seems no one is able to tell him, I just have to accept everything:( I have started dictating when the children are available,with the holidays coming he won't get everyday he asks for, it will be what suits us and if it doesn't suit him it's too bad. I keep everything, it's just the casual way I get chummy texts out of the blue like nothing has happened - wtf? But then that's how he is - it's like nothing has happened but what has is all my fault, obviously!

It is how he is. But that is also his big weakness i.e. he is predictable. With respect, you have to stop seeing yourself as the victim now and get smart. This is a process that requires wits. You don't say how long you were together but you must know him pretty well. What does he respond to? Flattery? Praise? Threats? What is important to him? Image? Status? What does he respect? You know your enemy, use it t your advantage, start with some manipulation & play him like a violin.

It should be a compromise by you both he shouldn't dictate when he wants to see the DC and you shouldn't dictate when he can. It should be a compromise.

If you can't negotiate between you then the next stop is court.

I like the phone idea - we have a couple of old spare ones so I can get on and sort that:) I am trying not to be a victim,he doesn't like being ignored and I think he is pushing me for a reaction of some sort but he isn't getting one,that's why I think he has started texting - he knows it will be something I don't like

My friend's ex is pushing for court as he wants to get her to spend her savings. He is not deviating from that path at all. He deliberately obstructs any compromise. He is a barrister and just wants to be a cunt.

I am in the same position as you but have finally seen the light and I want you to listen very hard to me please. Take back your power now.

This man has taught you the lie that he calls the shots. HE DOES NOT. Don't wait to find out what he wants. You know that already, he wants to hurt and dominate you. You cannot compromise on your own so stop right now and start making your own decisions. Focus on what you want and get the job done.

Get the best, sharpest lawyer you can, gather your evidence and divorce the bully as soon as possible, in court, getting the best deal possible. This will ultimately be cheaper and better for you the children. Taking this initiative will make you feel fabulous. It's a step to taking back your life.

He is seeking your attention so stop giving it. Tell him you will not discuss divorce matters directly with him anymore and keep to your word always.

The following sounds like a tough call but it's easier than you think: remove all emotion in your dealings with him and in your thoughts about him. Emotion will only hurt you and cost you money. Use your intelligence and strength instead and be a great example to your children.

Be civil with him about and around the children and be positive about him to them. Be a willing co parent but remember that he is responsible for whether he shows up for the children or not, not you.

Love, and never give away your power again.

You sound great. Show your sharp teeth girl!

What are the MINIMUM court costs?