In need of a moan...

[lulu40]

I have been with my dp for 10 years now and sometimes I feel that I just cant take it anymore today being one of those days. Our ds is 4 nearly 5 and for since he was 2 1/2 we have been having an on off debate about wanting another child he didnt I did. He would periodically change his mind then change it back. Last August he decides he deseparately wants another so I come off the pill and we start trying unfortunately we hit a bad patch when our ds was misbehaving at nursery so we sort of went off the boil again although he insisted he still wanted another. Anyway we are now back to he point of having no sex at all as I am sure he is avoiding it in case I get pregnant. I have asked what he wants and he answers "I dont know" this is driving me insane not to mention the emotional rollercoaster. He has become increasingly miserable and I would say 80% of the time he is that way. He lost his mother and best friend within a year of each other 8 years ago now but has never really gotten over their deaths. My whole life seems to revolve around what mood he is in. I sometime just want to leave but I know deep down that he is a good man and I have met enough of the bad sort to recognise this. Sometimes I feel so lonely when I am with him and I often feel that I have to keep the peace rather than start him off and I also worry about the effect my "peace keeping" is having on our son I dont want him to grow up thinking his mother is a wimp. There is so much more I would like to say but am getting very tearful and am in the office so think I better stop now. Not sure why I'm posting this as I know noone can really help

sorry you are so upset and miserable. if you could bear to post a bit more when you are feeling better i'm sure you will get some useful replies. and don't worry about tears in the office - i used to blub at work practically every week when pg will try and think of something more helpful for your situation, but in the meantime just wanted to post some good wishes. take care.

Is there anything bothering him at work? Often when men have a problem they just bottle it up and so it comes out as moodiness and unreasonableness. Is it perhaps nearing the anniversary of his mother's and best friend's deaths? Try to get to the bottom of what it is that is eating away at him. If he is suffering from depression, he may need to see his doctor. Did he have any bereavement counselling? Could you persuade him to go to his doctor?

I think that you need to have a good talk. Sit down one evening when your ds is in bed, turn the tv off and talk to him. Tell him how you are feeling and how his moods are affecting him. Tell him also that his moods are bound to be noticed by his son, kids pick up more than we give them credit for. Ask him to visit his doctor for your sake, if he values his family then he really should seek help.

I think that perhaps you need to talk to someone too. You can always visit Relate on your own. It doesn't mean to say that your partnership is in trouble, they are also there to help keep your relationship healthy. I don't think that having a baby is a good idea right now, your dp needs to sort his head out first.

Depression can be a very dehabilitating illness and one that many people try to deny. So please stick with him and support him, but he must seek help, you cannot go on like this.

Good luck.

Sounds like a difficult situation - although it's not easy and potetially even destructive for anyone to comment on others' relationships without knowing the specifics involved. What seems clear is that your partner is pretty depressed, illustrated by his inability to stick with decisions, general miserable demeanour and even the lack of sex drive. (It may not be a fear of you becoming pregnant that causes him to shy away from sex - he may just not feel like it in his present state of mind.) It may even be that the life stage he's at - evaluating things and trying to fathom whether you should have another child - has caused him to question many other aspects of his life, including the deaths you mention and what his future holds.
What you don't mention is what your relationship has been predominantly like over the ten years, and whether you've been generally happy together, or to what extent either of you may have changed. All you say is that 'deep down' you know he's a good man (which sounds like you're finding it increasingly difficult to convince yourself of this) and that there are plenty worse out there.
It's clear that the sitaution is making you unhappy, though, and you need to take some action for your own sake. You need to try and identify where the problems lie - with your partner specifically, or with the relationship itself - and to try and find some solutions. As a starting point, you and your partner need to admit there's a problem and try and talk through some of it together. And as others here mention, counselling can be an invaluable resource, either as a joint activity in as far as Relate goes, or as a one-to-one outlet for your partner with a psychotherapist.
You also need to try and decide what you want to do as an individual - stay or go - although this is never as easy as it could be when there's a kid involved. And let's face it, it's never anything like an easy decision regardless.
Anyway, you sound miserable and stressed , which is never a nice way to be, so hope you manage to find a way through.

Lulu40 sorry to hear that you are feeling this way, I really do empathise with you as I think that myself and dh have had most of those things happen to us in our ten years together. I think that you have been given really good advice already about talking about the situation, which I'm sure that you're tyring to do already, it's just that men are really from Mars and won't open up like most women will so easily!

Don't worry about why you're posting it - this is a very helpful and supportive site and sometimes it can help just to know that people are bothered about how you are feeling especially as you are thinking of others all the time and not yourself.

I'm sorry I'm not being desperately helpful, but the only way I can recommend you manage is to "ride the storm" and do what you can without burning yourself out

Do let us know how you are doing

Lulu40, are you absolutely sure that you want another child, or do you think you could go through life without having a second one? It's just that your dp sounds so uncertain and unstable at the moment - I wonder if you would end up with more problems in your relationship if you had another child. I don't mean to be negative and I'm not saying you shouldn't do it just because of him, but it sounds like he might continue to be hot and cold about the idea which will cause you more stress. My dh was never really happy with the idea of having another child (he had 2 teenagers from a previous marriage - I had none) and when I told him that I would like one after we'd been married for about 8 years, he started agonising over it and sometimes he said he was ok with it, and other times gave me the impression he was definitely NOT ok with it. This went on for years - up and down. It finally happened unexpectedly when I was 34 and when I told him I was pregnant, he was devastated. His true colours came out then, I can tell you!! He was actually furious and the entire pregnancy was a nightmare for me. My son is 20 months now and my husband loves him, but I went through a horrible time and I think it's only been the support of my parents (they help out a LOT with babysitting, etc) that has really pulled us through this. I think perhaps you should have a talk with him and ask him for his definite answer, because time is just dragging on and it's really not fair to you. I know, I've been there before... Good luck with everything.

Thank you all for your kind messages - in answer to a few points. My dp has received bereavement counselling on more than one ocassion did not seem to help. I agree that he is depressed. I also agree that having another baby is probably not the best thing to do at this time but I feel time is running out I am now 40 my ds is approaching 5 I dont wont to leave it too much longer alhtough of course I have myself wondered what the sleepless nights etc etc would do to us as a couple!!! In answer to another point what the last ten years been like well lets just say our relationship has always been pretty volatile at first due to my dps insecurity then of course 2 years in he suffered the loss of his mother and friend even when we started trying for our ds this was pretty tough as I had two miscarriages. Its been a pretty heavy road one way or another but we do share the same values on alot of issues he can be the sweetest man alive. Unfortunately he is one of those men that think Doctors are a waste of time - I cannot force him to seek more help than he already has and we have had major talks about his moods I dont want to walk away from him but I suppose what I really want is for me and my ds to be enough to make him happy!!

Lulu40, Sorry to hear you are having a hard time. At the end of the day only you can really help yourself and decide for yourself whether your life is happy enough with your man. It does seem from what you say that maybe having another child at the moment would not be a good idea.

Hi,I,m feeling low at the moment,dh has attacked my intelligence again. He's always doing it aand he has such a quick temper. It's really got to me after all these years and when he did it the other night I felt like commiting suicide just to get back at him and to escape. If I left him which I wouldn't I know he would get the kids as I have had depression in the past and I couldn't bear that.He is good in some ways so I wouldn't want to leave really but I sometimes fantasise about being free and it feels good the thought of just being me and having no one critisise me all the time.I have to stop now as it's upsetting me and I have to go to work soon.

Trapped, have you thought about joining a club or group of some sort or doing an evening class where people will appreciate you for who you are and value you as an individual. If you could spend some time away from DH you might be able to build a bit of confidence to help you deal with the situation at home more easily. There is a women's group that meets near my home every Tuesday evening. They offer free courses in yoga, assertiveness, self confidence etc and are really friendly, they also have cousellors available if you just need someone to talk to. Why not see if there is anything like this near you?

If you did decide to leave him, I'm sure that his bad tempers and moods would go against him in a custody battle for the children so you would have a good chance of keeping them, particularly if you were to separate because of his poor treatment of you, which after all is a form of abuse even though it is not physical. Perhaps you could get some advice on this from CAB or a free session with a solicitor.

I don't really know of the best place to go for counselling but I'm sure if you could talk to someone to help clear your mind things would start to get better. It might be that you need to leave him and start a new life for you and your children before you start to feel like a real person again but whilst you are with him he is continually bringing you down and making you feel worthless, I'm sure you deserve better. Good luck for the future, whatever you decide.

I agree entirely with what Pam has said. Try the British Association for Counselling website - www.bac.co.uk as it has a search engine to help you find a counsellor locally.

I do not think that the fact you have suffered depression in the past is likely to be any bar to you getting custody of your children. Can you have a follow up appointment with the mental health team that you saw when you had depression previously? It might help if you can discuss with them what you told us here.

Hi and thankyou for both your replies.I like the sound of confidence classes and will try to find out about them where I am. I wanted to write a bit more it really helps to write it down and admit there is a problem and everyhting is not hunky dory as everyone seems to think about my life. He critisises everything about my life and is bossy and controlling.He hates what I read,my music,my choice of tv and is so cross when I say things that he thinks are stupid. The other night when he did it we had company and he said it in front of them and looked at me as if looks could kill.I just feel so exhausted by it.I really felt like I wanted to die. I know he loves me and I think I still love him but sometimes I just hate how he makes me feel.I really think he doesn;'t realise how it affects me.

trapped, it's good that you are recognising what is going on rather than just carrying on suffering it. It is a form of domestic violence and bullying so you are doing the right thing by asking for help.

lulu40, my heart goes out to you. I think you're wrong that he doesn't realise how it affects you -otherwise he wouldn't continue to do it and thus deflect all the hurt he's feeling onto you - ie to try and "protect" himself from all the bad things which have happened to him and avoid confronting them which would be the first step towards him feeling better. I think some of the practical steps people have suggested sound like good positive ones. I can really relate to the way you feel because when my dh is under stress he tends to 'rubbish' everything I say & do, and sticks up for other people's points of view, even when they're complete strangers. the dynamics of relationships are so complex and I'm not surprised you just want to keep quiet so as not to rock the boat. The guests you had who witnessed his bad behaviour - do you know them well? would one of them "mention" to him about how they felt about you being shown up in that way? sometimes it helps to come from someone else. hth