How to deal with conflict?

[LePamplemousse]

I'm feeling a little lost.
Every time I have any kind of personal conflict with anyone I can't seem to deal with it well. I'm fine at work, I'm tough and calm, but at home I can't deal with it. I just want to know what the best way is to deal with it. Today I had a gigantic argument with my mother because she took something I said in the wrong way, which I apologised for, but she then started accusing me of being a bully and called me a bitch. I'm not a bully, I didn't do anything that could explain her calling me that. I think she takes things out on me, though, because she thinks I'm weak or something - she doesn't treat my sister in this way. How should I act towards someone who is extremely confrontational? Should I go quiet and cold? Should I fight fire with fire? I don't normally like conflict but I don't know whether the only way to deal with someone like my mother is to fight fire with fire.

PS: I'm crap at dealing with confrontation in relationships as well but I'm currently single.

I think the first thing to do is pick your battles. It's stressful being confrontational about every little thing and sometimes it's a case of 'least said soonest mended'. If you are under attack unfairly, always, always, always stand up for yourself. It won't change the other person's behaviour but you will retain your self-respect.

If you are under attack because you've done something wrong, if the other person is being unreasonable and an apology hasn't resolved it, walk away and put some serious distance between you until things are calmer. Bullies can only be confronted or rejected.

Do you live with your mother?

LePamplemousse love your name. Not being good at managing conflict actually puts you in the category with the majority of people. It's a healthy character trait to want relationships to run smoothly and avoid doing things which cause conflict. But there always those people and there's plenty of them who will take advantage of your nature and use you as their punching bag, knowing you won't call them on it. Where it becomes unhealthy for you is not having any balance in your conflict avoiding. No matter how far your personal boundaries are breached, you feel uncomfortable to say to the person their behaviour is unacceptable. It's a real skill and it's a learnt skill, doesn't happen overnight especially when it goes against your natural approach. It takes practice and starts with trying to do it in situations where the fall out is minimal. Such as, someone being rude to you in public such as a queue hopper "excuse me, I was next". I bet you don't do that either

And when you are more comfortable with doing it, what Cog said.

I wonder where you come in your family? You have a sister. My elder sister was always difficult and I think my parents were wary of her. She fought my Fathers abuse like a tiger. My younger sister just hung her head and remained silent and I just lived in fear and became very anxious. My brother just refused to engage, although we all hated my Father. Sorry I am projecting here, so back to you. Perhaps you have also been cast in a certain role by your parents. You are saying that you can't protect yourself from your family. What might help you is to go on a counselling course. Most local colleges offer initial 10 week courses. I completed a few but it was the first one that gave me the ammunition to defend myself. It was mind blowing for me and changed my life. I could never be a counsellor but it was a very very useful thing for me to do as I have got issues about self esteem and the initial course was free. Sorry if I sound as though I am a Jehovah Witness about it. I did Roger's theory of Person Centred Counselling. It has helped me as a MIL, DIL and GPIL and to deal with my extended family of crackpots( see why I couldn't be a counsellor, far too judgemental) I can't imagine calling anyone a bitch let alone my daughters, your DM was totally out of order. How horrible for you.

So sorry for this really late reply. My mother actually apologised this morning to me which is really unusual and even quite unheard of, for her, so I was quite pleased about that, in a way. I think my dad had a word with her about how unreasonable she had been which is also very unusual as he'll almost always support her (even if she's wrong).
Holeinmyheart, what an amazing idea. I don't really want to have counselling - I am already having specific sex and relationship l counselling for a different issue - but to go on a counselling course sounds like a really clever idea. Thank you.
Cogito yes I live with her right now but am moving out in three weeks. Thank you for your advice.
Gettingmeback, I agree, I don't do that if someone pushes in a queue. The ridiculous thing is, I've just finished my PGCE and am now a teacher and can tell off a 16 year old boy and assert myself because I've been trained in behaviour management and have read a lot of books about it! But when it comes to defending myself against my mother or a family member, or a stranger in the street, there's no way I could do that in the same way.

If you've had training in behaviour management, use the same techniques on everyone. I'm sure you've been shown how to respond in a calm and assertive way and that's appropriate for all circumstances. People don't qualify for special treatment just because you share a bit of DNA or because they are >16 yo. First time you try it out it'll feel strange but, like every other skill, it gets easier with repetition.

Thanks... that's a good tip. It does sound like a bit of a strange idea but like you say maybe it could become second nature eventually.

Personality is a tough thing to override and if you have got into behavioural patterns with particular people or situations there will always be that discomfort when you bust out of the pattern. If I was to make a guess it is that your biggest barrier to being assertive is that you want DM to like you. But... like standing in front of a bunch of hostile Y10s... you have to feel the fear, risk the displeasure, and do it anyway.