argh! ex threatening to take me to court over contact

[GinAndSonic]

Background: ex was emotionally and sexually abusive. He was agressive, shouting, would block doors or get in my space to physically intimidate me. I wasnt allowed to go out, he accused me of having affairs, he interrogated me over what i was looking at online, who i was talking to etc.

When i left he bombarded me with calls and texts, when he had the kids he would call me, saying he felt sick, or faint, or was having a panic attack, or he didnt know how to stop the kids crying or how to clean DD when she pooed her nappy (because although she was 2 he had never done it). He tried to hug and kiss me when i saw him. He stopped having the kids when he found out i had a new partner. He threatened suicide. He made up a host of symptoms and said he might have cancer. He refused to give me mine and the kids things. Etc.

I tried several times to resume contact. He wanted them for lunch only, in town, i had to be there. Or he would take one child, never both. Or he would call me to.collect early if he had both. He tried to resume overnights (one child at a time) and when he had DD he verbally abused her because she called him by new partners name. Throughout this i stopped and then resumed contact several times. Since then ive tried a couple of times to resume contact, each time he has seen them once, then he has said hes not ready, its too painful for him, it reminds him too much of me.

Most recently he saw them for a few hours, then a fornight later, on his next contact day he forgot to come to meet us. I cut contact for good.

His behaviour is logged with the police. Social services have it logged for informational purposes. The domestic violence support service i use advise that i dont resume contact and that i dont have any contact via email or anything as he uses any excuse to contact me then any response is used as an inroad to try to abuse and manipulate me further.

He just emailed that he wants to see them or he is taking it to court.

Im sick of this. He has proven time and again that not only doesnt he have the ability to be a father, but that contact is just a way to get to me. I just want him to piss off.

Does he have the money to take you to court? It's an expensive business, and there's no Legal Aid these days.

Let him try

Just ignore him. It seems he would do anything to gain your attention. Don't fall for it.

No advice, sorry, but he does sound a shit.
Hang in there.

No, hes on jsa, paying the princely sum of £7 per week for his 2 kids, and only after i got the child maintenance people to sort it.
I doubt his family have the money to pay for it either, and i doubt hes got the brains to self.represent.

It's going nowhere, gin

Just get on with your life and tune out the tool

Don't respond. Wait until you actually see legal papers before thinking about what you need to do - and it sounds like you have several sources of help (and evidence to support you if you need it).
He's trying to retain some form of control. Wait it out. I really doubt he'll ever go for the court option.

Well, if he doesn't have the dosh, you don't need to worry. It's just another empty thread, an attempt to get your attention. Well done for leaving him"

It's all just hot air and bollocks

Threat, not thread.

Ignore the email and ignore him.

Thanks everyone, i am ignoring him, it just pisses me off that he keeps niggling away. I was a mess because of him, i didnt know my own mind and now my head is clear i can see him for the pathetic waste of space that he is. He is a complete wanker. My kids deserved better than him, and the only person who has used them as a weapon is him, and the only person who has denied them a relationship with their father is him.

well said

Block or divert any emails from him. You've been advised to cut contact by the DVU. If he's serious he'll serve you court papers (he won't).

You and your kids don't need you upset every time this knobber makes more contact. Fuck him.

I just want to add support to the 'ignore the knobber' posts Gin

DD's silly knobber of a father regularly texts me that he is 'goin for cusdidy' but so far in over 12 years it hasn't progressed further than crappy drunken text messages.
Some idiots still believe that the perceived threat of such actions will be enough to make us toe their line... I don't think my ex would even realise the huge costs involved, ha!

Let him try Gin, even if he had the money to make the application it wouldn't be a terrible thing.

In my experience the courts and cafcass will get the measure of him. Just keep documenting everything and do not respond, block his email address and his number.

I know it's very hard to disengage but keep repeating that you have tried, he hasn't. End of

Repeating to yourself that is, there'll be no talking to your ex of he is anything like mine.

We have been to court(my application, to set days and times and to stop the verbal abuse and threats from him) and now are on speaking terms.

But if you ask my ex he will tell you I took him to court to "stop him seeing his son", I only changed the days and times of contact due to him bring so unreliable previously and at no point was contact ever stopped.

Remember you can't reason with the unreasonable, he will no doubt believe his own bullshit so let him get on with it

I would say 'what are you taking me to court for exactly? The right to arrange to see your kids and then let them down or abuse them when they are with you? Will happily see you in court as then you will have a schedule to keep to. Win-win'.

Adding my voice to those saying ignore. Any hint of reaction from you will demonstrate to him that this is a useful threat.

If he did try to take you to court, he'd be expected to try mediation first anyway. If it got this far, you can propose a proper schedule then. Best case scenario (unlikely), he steps up to the plate. Alternatively, he fails. If he took you to court then, without having kept to the mediation arrangement, he'll be told what's what by the judge.

Nothing to worry about (and I say that as a battered family court veteran).

The dv people said I wouldnt have to agree to mediation because of the abuse.

Fair enough if you don't want to do the mediation. It depends how manipulative he is and how vulnerable you feel to his manipulation.

If you're feeling relatively strong, it's worth meeting the mediator for an initial assessment. Definitely explain the DV. See how confident you feel with that particularly mediator. You do have the option to give it a go if you think you can avoid being coerced into an arrangement you don't want. If nothing else, it'll give you the chance to find out what exactly he is asking for.

As others have said, just ignore him. He probably won't go to court, he hasn't got the money for court and if it even gets that far then insist on supervised contact due to DV. From what you've said he'll probably get bored after the second week and stop turning up anyway, as it doesn't sound like he can cope with both children.