School girl crush on work colleague feeling guilty

[sugarplumfairy13]

My DH and I married last year and are currently ttc. Our relationship is wonderful and I love dh dearly.

Around 3 years ago we were going through a bad patch. We were struggling financially, DH was working a lot of hours, I was working different shifts and we didnt see each other and when we did it was causing rows. DH was really stressed with work and was taking it out on me complaining that the house was untidy or that I was lazy and our sex life became non-existent which I was blamed for also. Admittedly looking back he was stressed and I was depressed and we both didnt handle it properly.

As a treat my friend took me on a weekend away and whilst on that weekend away I bumped into an old boyfriend who was my first love. We hadnt seen each other in 8 years and it was lovely to catch up and stirred up a lot of mixed feelings for me that I had long forgotten. The second night away my friend and I met up with my Ex and his friends and I became really rather drunk. I was flattered by the compliments and felt great having someone make me feel good and actually want me. One thing led to another and I ended up back at his house and began to DTD. I came to my senses pretty sharp during it and stopped it, told him it was a massive mistake and left. I told my ex the next day that I couldnt be around him or contact him again and what had happened was a terrible mistake on my part.

I didnt tell DH what had happened and resolved to throw everything I had into the relationship. We both changed for the better and our relationship is strong, solid and healthy and most importantly happy.

I started a new job a number of months ago and I am unbelievable attracted to one of my male colleagues who I work closely with and I cant stop thinking about him. Its a school girl crush. Hes a very good looking guy, with a nice personality and I get on very well with him. Now I know nothing would happen for a number of reasons, the main being I am married and would never ever cheat on my DH again. My attraction to this colleague grows by the day and I find myself flirting with him and feeling so guilty over it. Im already filled with guilt over my previous indiscretion and this is making things worse even though I have no intention on acting on my attraction.

I cant avoid my colleague because of my role is working on a project with him so thats out of the question for me but I know DH would be hurt if he knew I was attracted to another man.

There really isnt any point to my post other than I just needed to get my guilt out without pouring it onto DH and hurting him.

Clearly telling your DH would be a bit of a selfish thing to do. And you probably feel guilty about your past not this crush. Everyone finds others attractive so yes, he would be upset if he knew but at the same time... Do you genuinely think he has never looked at another woman?

If you can't avoid the guy then just down play it. Or enjoy the flirting but keep it harmless and take additional feeling home to your DH. Depends how outrageous your flirting is I guess.
How long does the project run? Once project is finished will your colleague disappear altogether?

Thank you for replying Littlemiss, the reason I didnt tell my DH about my past crush was because I felt it was my mistake and my burden to bare and that telling him would only have been to satisfy my guilt and would have destroyed him and the relationship we have.

I know DH has looked at other women, thats to be expected, he doesnt really work with women so doesnt mention anyone in particular but when he asks about my day as its a small team of all men I work with Im worried Im talking too much about my colleague in particular and I dont want DH to pick up on this.

Im trying to keep the flirting to a minimum, my colleague has a girlfriend so I do think its one-sided on my part. Unfortunately because of the nature of the project its going to run until the end of 2015 and even then as we work in the same very small team Ill still be working closely with him, unless I move into another job role in that time. My colleague is trying to arrange a team night out to celebrate the fact I recently gained promotion and Ive so far not contributed one way or another to it but I dont think I can avoid it. I had thought about suggesting partners came along as its a small team but Im wondering if that might be a bad idea or if Im just overthinking it.

No, my first thought was 'take your DH along'.

I don't have much advice re talking about him too much except to say that before becoming a SAHM I worked in a tiny office. I mean tiny. It was a hut, not a building!! Anyway, there were 4/5 of us in there but I was in one section with my manager all day. Upon getting home and DH asking about my day it would be 'manager this, manager that' etc... (I used his name aswell so sounded more personal). I never for a moment suspected my DH would become suspicious and he never did. Maybe this is due to my lack of guilt? Maybe your worried he will pick up on your guilt? If u didng have this crush then maybe it wouldn't occur to you? IYSWIM?

Here's hoping in time that you get over work colleague. Bug if not, picture him with 2 heads or something equally I appealing haha... Maybe his body is covered in warts and you just can't see them.... ;)

Sometimes flirting is harmless unless the two of you have feelings. When both married it could end in tears you need to know your boundaries and would this guy stick with you if it did end in tears....weigh it up

Wow you're getting off a bit lightly here. So 3 years ago you started to have sex with an old boyfriend. Then stopped. So you cheated on your current husband once. Now you're obsessing over some bloke at work. You're probably feeling guilty but also enjoying the drama of it, and by admitting that there's no point to your post it's pretty clear that you just want to talk about this bloke a bit more.

Feel sorry for your husband to be honest, I certainly wouldn't want to be married to someone who first cheated on me and is now unbelievably attracted to a colleague.

Yeah...it's not normal to cheat on your partner and then marry them without ever telling them what you did. That's a fucking sham. He had a right to know the sort of person you were before signing a marriage certificate, and make a decision about whether he could forgive you or not.

You took away that chance because you were scared of losing him - that's extremely cowardly.

It is normal to have crushes on other people throughout your marriage - I hope it doesn't happen to me, but I guess it's sort of unavoidable? The difference is, if you know you are crushing on someone, then you watch yourself like a hawk every time you are with them. You do not flirt with them. You refuse to let yourself, as it's disrespectful to your husband. If you have to work with him then be nothing but professional. Don't go to social work do's if he is there unless you take your husband. You are the only person responsible for how you behave, so take responsibility.

I'm guessing you like the attention, and are feeling a little guilty because you know that you're being selfish.

Newsflash - you are.

I think the best thing to do would be to look in the mirror and then slap yourself very hard in the face.

Either have the balls to commit to your marriage - which means no flirty flirty with handsome colleagues - or do your husband a favour and call it quits.

I rolled my eyes at the "I find myself flirting with him". You do realise that there is a connection between your brain and your vocal chords? You don't walk around a corner and stumble upon yourself flirting with another man. You take the active decision to do so. To suggest otherwise is trying to reject responsibility for your actions.

Or is it a bit like how you "found yourself" having sex with your ex?

Jesus wept.

i dont think youre cut out for marriage.

Does your husband know how bad you are at monogamy?

Instead of "trying to keep the flirting to a minimum", how about you try something radical like "keep the flirting to none at all", before you find yourself drunk, flattered and unable to stop yourself falling and landing on another mans cock again.

Hmmm, well I'm a bit torn on this one, sugar.

I don't really have a problem with a bit of flirting, but it does depend how much and what kind, iyswim.

We all know when it's crossed the line from harmless, to inappropriate, but it's what you do when this happens that matters.

If your current crush left tomorrow, you'd find another. I'm not saying you were looking for it necessarily, but to me, it sounds as though you're the kind of person who simply enjoys the thrill of that new, exciting attraction.

Maybe you're not right for your DH, maybe you are...I don't know. What I can tell you though, is that you'll end up miserable if you just keep chasing that initial buzz you get when you meet someone new who you're attracted to. Whether you have an affair or not, you're still not being fair to your DH if this continues.

Stop the flirting altogether. Don't just keep it to a minimum, as you say. What's the point in that? How much of a buzz could you possibly get, just from the odd suggestive comment or longing look?

Just re read your OP.... so did you actually have sex with your ex?

I personally think you should have told your DH. I know a lot of people would disagree with me on that one, but I believe that the person you're supposed to be sharing your life with, deserves to know who that person actually is. It's up to them then, what they do with that information.

And also, here's a rather simple test. How would you feel if your DH was "unbelievably attracted" to someone at work? More to the point, how would you feel if your DH had sex with his ex? Do you think you'd appreciate the truth?

If it was a guy on here, kind of brushing aside his initial affair, as nothing more than a 'whoops' moment and now wanted to discuss his new crush, who he couldn't stop thinking about, what do you think the response would have been? I think I have a fairly good idea.

Our relationship is wonderful and I love dh dearly.

No it isn't and no you don't. Stop TTC until you tell him the truth about your current crush and what happened with your ex - you don't deserve to have kids with him until you do.

This thread's gone a little quiet

I guess the OP found it too difficult to read the uncomfortable truth.

I feel really sorry for her husband.

Me too. He deserves to know the truth.

The OP reads like a chapter of Sperm Wars.