Telling our DD today dad is moving out

[BelleBoyd]

We are going to tell our 4 year old DD dad is moving out this weekend..it's my choice so H very upset/angry about it.
Not sure what to tell her? Am thinking of saying it's because of us not being able to stop arguing and emphasise she will still do the fun stuff like swimming/park etc with him. He wants to say he's staying with friends and it might not be forever. He is very likely to be inappropriate saying complicated stuff to her and probably will cry. Sigh.
He won't have her overnight as he's moving to a room in a house share.
H has only lived with us the past 15 months and her first year ( not really involved in that first year tho..)

Tell her that sometimes adults get so upset with each other that they can no longer live together. Daddy is moving out but both of you still love you very much and he is still her daddy. Look in your library or bookshops, there are books about divorce that might help her understand.

Don't bring the whys and wherefores into it. She can't understand the complexities of an adult relationship and probably won't be interested either. Small children will accept the world as you present it and in the manner you explain it. Tell her Daddy will be living somewhere else, she'll see him lots and can talk to him whenever she likes. Make it out to be a good thing and that's how she'll understand it.

Thanks that's good advice. I'm just wondering what to say then if she asks why? Think she will...

If she asks why, say that you and Daddy have decided it's the best thing to do. It's a grown-up decision. She's 4 and there are a lot of things in her life that you decide without consultation or explanation. If you offer up an explanation such as 'we kept arguing' or 'we weren't happy together' the danger is that a child will think if they can get you to stop arguing or make you happy, Daddy will come back. So you have to be quite careful not to set up the idea that it's something they can fix.

Yes that makes sense thanks

Sounds like the bigger hurdle is not you DD but your exH. Ideally you should both be giving the same message.

Yes if it was just me I think it would be easier for her. He is fairly unstable. Felt it was right to tell her together but I'm a bit nervous of what he'll say..

You're going to have to coach him before you talk to her and, if he starts blubbing or something else ridiculous, bring things to a swift end. Tell him it's important for DD's wellbeing that he is a) responsible and b) singing from the same hymn-sheet.

Yes I have told him that many many times. Doesn't listen/care.

Then it falls to you but operate zero tolerance if you think he is distressing your DD