Long time lurker but really need some sensible and balanced advice. I have been with H for 10 years.
Current Situation: We have a 1yo DS, are not well off, he is (mildly) bipolar and I have both extensive family and comparatively personal history of MH problems. We have no family around us at all. I have a small but supportive (if not all that hands on) group of close friends, H has pretty much no one. He works in a demanding and stressful (but not critical) job, which has recently gotten much worse- lots of extra hours and stress. I am trying to get a decent job after making a bit of wrong turn career wise. We are moving house at the end of the month which means I am trying to learn to drive from scratch in 3 weeks. On a budget. In short a bit of a powder keg.
Issue: I really do not know if this relationship is functional or healthy anymore. We have always tended towards the volatile scale, usually MH related, H has cheated once in the past, I am very prone to vitriolic outbursts when I am hurting. H had a problem with smoking weed that took 2 or 3 years to properly resolve. After DS was born I had the implant inserted, which really seriously affected my MH, I was incredibly demanding, short tempered, felt like I was constantly being wronged. H stuck around but only barely, went AWOL on a night when DS had bronchiolitis and I was literally on the edge of breakdown. I sought help from GP before eventually realising it could be the implant, had it removed and felt almost instantly better.
Since then we have had good days and bad days. But he cannot seem to forgive me for everything that happened. He casts up my previous behaviour at every chance, and any time I try to discuss housework or care of our DS he flies off the handle saying I always criticise him. Which is probably true to a certain extent. He seems to have NO standards in any aspect of his life. To give you an idea, he is a 35 yo man who has to be cajoled into washing his hands after using the bathroom, and to change his underwear or shower. He is barely capable of dressing and feeding DS appropriately despite having had sole care of him 2 days a week for a long time now. I have to beg and entreat him to take DS anywhere, and I have, after a night shift, discovered a hungry, frustrated DS whining at bedroom door at perfectly reasonable time of morning while H refused to get out of bed. There has been no affection between us recently at all, I suspect he has not been taking his medication, and tonight he began shoving me around in a temper.
Well done if you have made this far. And I suspect you are probably thinking I should run for the hills BUT I wonder if I am guilty of a level of EA abuse myself. I do not trust him. Mainly because I catch him lying often. I monitor his spending because there have been occasions we could not pay bills because he had been on a bender (or checked into a hotel in a fit of pique ffs). I think I love him, but it feels like we are both just out for ourselves and to score points against each other.
BUT I cannot leave him. I know I could not cope as a single mother with no family. I know I could not give my DS a stable home life and I am terrified the whole sorry cycle of messy upbringing and broken offspring repeats itself. My conscience would never allow me to prevent him seeing DS, but I could never trust him unsupervised. And I honestly think what is left of my heart would break if we broke up. But I do not see how it fixable. He will not talk to me about any of it, I barely listen even if he did.
I keep hoping this is just the result of the stress we are under and that if the stress went away we would be okay again. But I do not know how to get my trust and respect for him back.
If you read even half of this thank you. Any advice appreciated.