Illness creating sexless marriage

[BlinkAndMiss]

DH has a life limiting illness which although is terminal, has a lengthy outlook and he can live within the limits of it until old age. I guess what I mean is that it can't be cured, he has to have treatment but his prognosis is good. I have understood the limits of this illness since he was diagnosed a year into our relationship so I have been there the whole time. Within that time we have got married and had one DC.

It's only now that we are seeing the effects of a life limiting illness on our marriage, it's all coming home to roost and I'll be honest, I'm having a massively hard time with coming to terms with it. I suppose it's now that the hospital visits have ceased, the medications are on a smaller and less risky scale and things are ending managed rather than treated. DH has returned to work, I've returned to work after maternity leave and life has suddenly become very quiet but overshadowed with DH's exhaustion and focusing on medications and diet etc.

This is what we've wanted for ages - normality. But normality is fast becoming an issue. Day to day life is difficult, DH is exhausted and unable to do things around the house, he's unable to go out on a night and unable to do much without vast planning beforehand. I've always taken the backseat to nights out with his friends because I don't want his social life to suffer any more than it already has. So when DH is feeling well I encourage him to go out with this friends rather than do things with me. On the nights where he's tired we sit in together which is fine by me, we still spend time together but it's often blighted by tiredness and boring tv.

My social life has suffered massively. In the early days I was always at the hospital, a few friends stayed in touch but after a while all people had to chat to me about was DH and I was too exhausted to initiate nights out etc. Perhaps one bad excuse after another, but people gradually fell off the radar. Most of these friendships have not recovered. Now we have our DC it's even more difficult. I have very few friends now and I rarely go out. I am close with my family though so I do have them to turn to if I feel lonely.

I'm having to work more because DH isn't able and we have a mortgage to pay. Not a huge issue in itself but I dislike my job which drags my mood down. But the biggest thing is our sex life, it's non-existent. DH is always too tired, I always have to initiate it and it's starting to feel like I'm begging for it which is such an awful feeling. We've recently discussed having another child, but I don't think it's a good idea even though I'm desperate. I agreed to try, because I know it's something we both want but logistically it's not going to be easy.

This has exacerbated our sex life issues. Firstly, DH suggested we don't try but we don't prevent so that's what we did. The problem with this was that after our DC1 was born we did nothing for 6 months, then did it once. I didn't initiate anything until 6 months after that when I couldn't take it anymore. We've since done to 3 times when I've pretty much had to convince DH to do it, yet he still maintains he wants another child. So now I feel like sex is only for function and even then he has to be convinced. I feel so, so awful because of this. Repulsive even. Surely, if I was desirable at all he'd be a tiny bit keen after 6 months??

I spoke to DH, he knows it's an issue but maintains it's him and not me. He then asked if I was still in my fertile window. Obviously he doesn't get it does he?

I'm not sure what I'm asking. I think I'm asking if I should be seeing our sex life as an issue or whether I should just accept that this is the way it is and if I want another child then I have to persevere with the issue for the time being. Is anyone else in a sexless marriage? Does it work? Can it work? It's because of a medical issue, does this make it any clearer to deal with? I'm confused. Without the illness our marriage is perfect, but isn't it the way that you deal with difficulty that defines the state of a marriage?

I would never choose to be in a sexless marriage - if the illness wasn't the cause then I'd leave. I crave affection at least, now I'm in a situation where affection is missing. It contradicts everything I've always thought about relationships. And it hurts me because I sometimes think that I should leave and find a relationship which is better for me, and I feel so guilty because DH tries and he'd never intentionally hurt me it's just that he finds his illness a struggle.

I'm so confused. Do we carry on and I just keep ignoring the reality of things? Or do we address it, either through counselling or something else? What do I do, leaving isn't something I want to do but I feel like I'm building resentment. I've also been comfort eating a lot lately, which is making me feel even worse.

Thanks for reading if you got to the end you deserve a medal! Once I started spilling I couldn't stop :/.

Ah, this is all very sad really. It's two people who obviously love and care for each other greatly but have this massive burden of this illness blighting their lives.
If you are finding it all difficult to deal with at the moment then how much worse will it become if you were to have another child to deal with?
He may well be too exhausted for love making but perhaps you could buy some sex toys that he could use on you so he can please you but not exhaust himself.
Is there some support group for people who suffer from his illness and if so could they offer you some support too as life frequently changes for all family members not just the one suffering from the illness.
You need to find some time for yourself and find a hobby where you can make yourself some new friends. I do think you need to insist that he spends a night out with you just occasionally when he is feeling a bit stronger rather than always going out with friends on these rare days of feeling stronger.
Lean on your family as much as you can, you need their love and strength.
You have massive obstacles to overcome but with love and a whole mass of patience you can still make this marriage work albeit not quite in the format you thought it would take.

You poor love. It really sounds like you are going through the wringer. I dont doubt that your husband is also really struggling which makes it that much harder.

What is true is that you cant keep on like this.

Youve identified a range of problems here:

Your lack of social life and therefore lonlieness
Lack of affection
Lack of sex
Being overwhelmed.

I personally think that this is a situation that can be hugely improved, but both ypu and your husband have to be willing to work towards changes I would personally add that I am not sure getting pregnant right now would help very much at all.

Its very nice of you to suggest that your husband see his friends when he has some energy - but this needs to become a two way thing. Sometimes sure he should be seeing friends, but others he should be spending quality time with you otherwise you're really getting the worst of him and never the best iyswim.

And sometimes when he's feeling ok he needs to be spending time with your kid and letting you get out of the house for a bit.

I strongly recommend tryig to rekindle some old friendships or making new friends. Avoid talking about heavy stuff - just give them a ring and see how they are doing. Explain its difficult for you to get social time, but that it would be nice if they came over for coffee or whatnot. You need people to talk to, and especially people who will semi force you to have "normal" conversations. The news. Gossip. A good episode of game of thrones. Whatever.

Can your husband see his doctor to find out if there is anything to help better manage his current condition? Is he eligible for any disability benefits?

I think you need to have a loving but honest conversation about how you are feeling and try to figure out a way together of how to improve.

I was quite worried you said there was no affection though. It takes no effort to hug someone. To watch tv lying on the sofa together spooning. To say I love you. Thats a very diffefent issue to sex and is equally if not more important. Can you get family to take the kid one weekend every few weeks to give you two some space? You could agree friday is for rest - pure rest, but saturday is a date day. Each person has to figure out a way to make the other feel loved.

Its a bit tacky maybe but a great way to start. Im sure even he would have the energy to buy your favourite wine, a nice m and s meal and download your favourite film? Or toa HVe a bath together?

Perhaps with renewed closeness more sex might mean more sex.

Illness aside it sounds like you are both in routine mode

Agree with hey. You need to find other partners of people with this or similar illness. Try some of the carer support type organisations.

You poor thing

i understand what you mean. Its hard dealing with illness. You have to reverse it around though and put yourself in your husbands shoes -my dh has completely shut himself off to my illness and that makes life really hard. Take things slowly and have a chat with your dh its best to be honest then be unhappy. Hugs.

Thank you for the kind replies, in the back of my mind I've been feeling so selfish for even thinking about these issues. But I'm just so fed up of having life blighted by the bad stuff, all the time DH was in hospital we talked about how we'd appreciate every scrap life threw at us once he got out because life was too short. Fast forward a few years and it's all been forgotten, kaykay you raise a very good point - we are in routine mode! illness or no illness. This really needs to be looked at, by both of us.

hey I have no idea why I hadn't thought of either if those ideas myself! it has honestly never occurred to me to think about sex toys or any other way of being intimate. I have also not thought of looking into organisations which support people with this type of illness, I don't think I've ever considered ourselves as people with an illness - but we are. It's odd when you think of it like that, I don't know why but it feels surreal. Perhaps I haven't quite faced up to it all yet. I'm going to look into it, people going through this must understand and we can't be the only ones.

Our intimacy has dwindled and I think it has gone hand in hand with the sex issue. We need to get it back, basically I think intimacy usually led to sex, once sex went out of the window it's been like an avoidance thing, it's better to do nothing than having to say no or be rejected. I think we need to talk about it, but that's definitely what has happened.

Tonight I reached a point of desperation with my feelings, I know talking to DH needs to happen when I'm not feeling like this because I need to be strong. He does feel incredibly self conscious and carries a lot of guilt over things being 'his' fault. I do try to make sure he doesn't feel like this but I'm not good at it when I feel crappy, I think I make him feel worse. I think you lovely posters here have stopped me from being quite hurtful to my DH and I can't thank you enough. I don't feel as trapped now, I think just hearing that there are solutions have helped, I was prepared to be called selfish etc and none of you have. So thank you Mumsnetters, I'm so incredibly grateful.

Oh round I'm sorry you're feeling that your DH has closed himself off. It's hard to figure out what your partner wants from you when they are ill, particularly with a condition that is hard to understand. Can you talk to him? I sometimes wish my DH would i initiate conversations about his illness, I do feel like I'm intruding a bit and avoid bringing things up incase I upset him. Maybe he doesn't want to hurt you and doesn't realise that that in itself is hurtful? Hugs to you too, I hope you have some support.

Pmd u Hun

The last thing I would call you is selfish. You have needs, desires and frustrations and you have every right to voice those emotions. Life doesn't always turn out as we expect it to.
You sound such a lovely couple and it's lack of honest communication that is tearing you both apart. If only we had the courage to say what we truly felt, in a non confrontational way, we could avoid so many problems but it just seems so difficult to do at times.
Hang on in there. With a few adaptations life could get a whole lot better for you both.i truly hope so. It's time to put the love and laughter
Back into your marriage.

Hi there,

Just came across your post and am dealing with something similar. Wondering how you’re doing and what you decided to do?

Best,
T