I can't deal with the panic I experience when my DH leaves the house

[Zillwood]

I am becoming a very controlling person, but not because I want to control, but because I have a lot of fear and I don't really know what to do with it.

I am having therapy for a childhood where I felt a sense of abandonment a lot. Parents would leave me somewhere and not come back when they said they would. They were completely unpredictable and unreliable and my mother used to punish me for acting fearfully. Ultimately it was emotional abuse but with that added level of abandonment/terror induced from being alone in situations, unable to communicate and not knowing what was going to happen. I developed a lot of "coping" behaviours, to the point that I shut down, stopped relying on anyone else for anything (even my parents when I was a young age) and didn't open up to anyone at all.

I had "open" relationships in the past. Didn't stray myself at all, but to prevent myself getting let down, I shut all feelings off and didn't care . Those relationships were almost not real because I never allowed myself to care enough. I don't remember suffering at all when I knew my boyfriend was with someone else, or had let me down. Some exPs took advantage of it, others were baffled at my attitude, got very frustrated with me living in a "parallel universe" and dumped me.

I started having therapy before I met my DH and I began to acknowledge my own feelings about what had happened in the past and how I behaved in relationships. While this has been great on so many levels in breaking down those self-defense mechanisms I have erected, it has turned me into the needy, terrified, panicky child I have been trying to protect all these years.

My DH is naturally quite a fluid person whose plans change quite frequently. He is the sort who will have a business meeting at 5pm which should last an hour, and end up having dinner out til 11pm. I often don't know, within reason, when he is going to be home. At the beginning it was my modus operandi and I didn't care. As I became more in touch with my feelings, if he is even 5 minutes later than he says he will be, I have extreme feelings of rage, frustration and panic attacks.

There have only been two instances in our marriage where he has gone out at 5pm and come in at 4am (with his phone battery dying about 1am.) The second time I became catatonic. Since then, he's been great at keeping in touch with me and telling me about plans as they change - but I still can't deal with it. It has got to the point that if he is even 10 minutes late due to parking problems, or traffic or understandable things happening, I just do not know what to do with myself. I can't even describe the feeling.

He understands the situation as much as he can, but he gets very angry and frustrated with me, especially if circumstances are beyond his control. He feels I control him and make him feel awful. It is especially frustrating for him while he is stuck at work and making money for "us" and "our family" and I am throwing blame at him for "not doing what he said he was going to do" - a line I use often.

I really can't deal with this feeling anymore. My friends who understand keep telling me I'm in a better position now being able to feel and acknowledge those old feelings, rather than continuing to block off a whole part of my life/emotional nature.

Has anyone been through this and does it get better? My therapist is trying to get me to use coping mechanisms like breathing or distraction techniques. Sometimes the feeling is too strong to remember or use any of these.

Ask your therapist about acceptance and commitment therapy. Also order a book on it called the happiness trap. It's starting to change my life. In short it's you still having these feelings but giving you the tools to helo deal with these feelings. They practise something called mindfullness which keeps you in the present rather than the future or past. I have PTSD and panic attacks so I know how awful it musy be for you. Remember it's not your fault. This is all definitely down to your childhood. But please if it's getting to this point please get all the help you can get. It's awful when it starts to ruin your life xxxxx

God, this really struck a chord.

For a long time I detached myself from people I formed relationships with. I remained aloof and didn't let myself 'care'. I didn't. I didn't care where they were or what they were doing. But the moment I started to care about somebody - the moment I became emotionally involved - the fear set in and I would become irrational about whatever stood as a metaphor for what I feared the most.

I too had an abusive childhood and was often abandoned. I'm in therapy, hoping that working through the abuse can help me to identify the ways in which it slithers its way in to my present life.

I know the feelings you're talking about. They are overwhelming. Sometimes I can feel relatively normal, nothing untoward, but then my partner goes out for whatever reason and I burst into tears when he's gone. Changes to plans can floor me. Not hearing from somebody I'm expecting to will eat away at me until I'm enraged.

I'm sorry that I can't offer you anything other than the knowledge that you're not alone. PM me any time.

Is there anyway you could take up some yoga or Pilates which can help you with relaxation techniques which may give you a little bit more control over these overpowering feelings until therapy really starts to kick in.
Underneath all the chaos there is a strong person who needs to acknowledge and heal from a lifetime of hurt. Keep telling yourself you can win this battle. We are all here holding your hand.

have you spoke to your gp? CBT for coping techniques and possible even anti-anxiety medication might help.

Thank you for all your replies. For those who could commiserate and those with suggestions too. I am just so sad and alone in this. My DH does not deserve my rage and I am going to ruin our marriage if I continue being like this. When I fly into a rage I am in a place where I don't know whether I am right or he is right. I think maybe it was his plan to let me down all along? Maybe he is playing a grand trick on me? Maybe he says certain things to my face but actually intends to do something else? Then I look for proof... well he DIDN'T come home when he said he would... he WAS late...he HAS abandoned me... he will NEVER come back.. and he wants me to love him still? How dare he.

butterflygardens is acceptance and commitment therapy a "thing?" My therapist has mentioned mindfulness and suggested I got on a mindfulness course. Would you recommend this?

ParadoxicalUndressing Thank you for your kind post. I too act and feel relatively normal much of the time, but when the feeling kicks in, it's like being injected with a cocktail of drugs. I am also more likely to harm myself in these moments. Not slit wrists or anything, but neglect to eat, to hydrate, to wash. I become almost dead. My therapist calls this "care seeking" behaviour, which is actually a very typical pattern.

heyday thank you for being so understanding. I do yoga and pilates, and when I do them ( during the day with a teacher) I feel much stronger. But most of these abandonments happen at night, and I go into that "drugged" state of rage and panic before I can get the sense of mine to do yoga. I am sure it is a great coping mechanism, if only I could do it before that feeling comes. But when the feeling comes I am completely out of control of my own body.

EssexMummy123 I dream of a sedative. Something that could knock me out and stop me feeling what I am feeling. Alcohol in the past has helped with this, but that way (and with things like valium) addiction lies, which just gets me in even more emotional trouble than I already am. I need to look into how CBT can help too.

I don't think you're necessarily being that controlling. I'd be really annoyed if my DH had a work meeting until 5 pm then just went out until 11pm without telling me!

That said, you might be able to minimise some of these issues by having some really clear 'rules' which will reduce your anxiety.

For example:
-could your DH build in 30 minutes to his expected time so that little emergencies don't make him 'late'? My Dad is terrible for inviting us for lunch at 2pm, when actually he means that we will eat at 2pm. So I automatically take 30 minutes off the time he gives me and arrive then, which means we're not 'late'.
-Could your DH communicate any change of plans by text so that you can refer to his message if you get stressed or panicked?
-Could your DH let you know if he is going to be delayed by more than 30 minutes?

Lougle he is constantly on text and updating me very frequently. So I always know in advance if he is going to be late or has been held up. The problem is the stuff that goes through my mind when I get this communication. I feel like he is tricking me, or that he planned it like this all along (to say he'll be back, but be secretely planning something else). I feel like it is a game of 'smarts' where he has 'got away' and outsmarted me.

My Mum used to play games with me like this. I felt like she used to enjoy watching me get in a panic.

Then when I get the texts I get angry with myself for letting myself get involved and feel what I feel. Sometimes I feel like just walking out, not being here when he gets back and never seeing him again.

Quite often he gets back and I am crying or hyperventilating and have been doing so for hours. His first reaction is not to say "oh you poor thing I'm so sorry." My therapist says this is good. He should NOT pander to my need for co-dependency. He should get me to address and understand my feelings instead. But all this makes me feel very alone and insane.

ACT is similar to mindfulness (MBCT) in that it's a 3rd wave CBT approach. I would def recommend either.

If you need to know where he is in order to make you feel better and not panic, you could install one of those apps that track eachother. My niece and her mum have this so she knows where my niece is. You both have to have it installed on your phones.

I'm similar. Whenever my dh leaves the house I presume I will never see him again. I dissociate, have panic attacks, self harm. I can't imagine him coming back. I had an abusive childhood and a very sick mother who was constantly nearly dying. I am under CMHT and see my CPN regularly. Do you have mental health support other than your therapist?

I've recently been on a course about reducing anxiety and stress. I think alongside your current therapy it would probably help you. I was referred by my GP and I believe lots of areas have it. It's called stress control. I think you do sound like you need more help and I would go and see your doctor.

I have sympathy for both you and your H. Do you have any friends or siblings you are close to? I think you need more support than he can provide and, when a person needs a lot of support, it's best all round if that support can be obtained from several people so that the burden doesn't become too big for any one individual.
It sounds as though your H is being a little bit callous, but at the same time, living with someone who is unwell and very needy is also exhausting. The advice about the tracker app is not good: if your H panders to you then it will make you worse, not better. You can get through this and develop strength and self-esteem, but you need to work on it coming from you, yourself, not from other people.

OP I'm sorry you have this. I have a range of issues including bipolar and BPD caused by childhood trauma, and at my worst my DH had to stop work and be with me. I couldn't even go out without him by my side. I had intensive psychotherapy which was hard work but hugely helped.

Have you been to the GP about any of this? I would strongly recommend you do. There are anxiety-based psychiatric conditions - I'm not trying to diagnose online at all, but it is worth speaking to you GP. And as a pp said, there are some very good anti anxiety medications out there if necessary.

I started having therapy before I met my DH and I began to acknowledge my own feelings about what had happened in the past and how I behaved in relationships. While this has been great on so many levels in breaking down those self-defense mechanisms I have erected, it has turned me into the needy, terrified, panicky child I have been trying to protect all these years.

This bit really resonated with me but a lot of what you're saying does as well. Google "childhood emotional neglect". I can't link but the articles on psych central are good.

I've had therapy too and I think my problem was that I was actually a sensitive child who needed a lot of affection and reassurance but got none. So, to protect myself, I acted like I didn't need those things. I was very good at the confident act but a failure at relationships because, like you, I never let go. Therapy helped me to be real and I'm now in a great relationship but the price I'm still paying is that i am now suffering from anxiety and a sense of doom a lot of the time. Whereas before I was unshakeable (ie no emotion) I'm now really emotional, suffer with separation anxiety even from being away from the cat and I fall to pieces if things don't go according to plan. I could wail and fall to the floor !! It's like that sensitive child is finally allowed to be herself.

I had to teach myself how to have a relationship, how to share. My case was not abuse at all but I did feel emotional abandonment. I had to deal with everything alone, even as a small child. So I learned to hide problems-I still struggle to share my feelings when I'm upset. My instinct is "it's not safe to be upset/angry/scared" so I hide.

My therapist said I had to learn to comfort myself as I was t comforted.

I hope my post has been helpful in so much as it's often helpful to find you are not alone and there are others like you. :)

I so know where you're coming from. Major emotional abandonment in childhood can do that to you, definitely.

My approach is to try and re-parent the damaged child. Be the mother to myself that I never had as a child. That's probably not much use to you in the short term, but if you can try and work on it when you're not in the middle of it, you can start to lay a base for a long term solution.

For me, accepting my feelings and allowing them to be what they were was a hugely important step. Accepting that I was feeling this totally irrational and debilitating fear of abandonment and not judging or blaming myself for feeling that way. That's where you need a kind of "mother" self who can almost stand to one side and be separate from the part of you that's freaking out, and in so doing actually look after yourself.

That takes time to develop obviously, but it is possible.

Also, for me it's helpful to think that although these feelings are irrational in the present, for the child in the past they were absolutely real and represented a genuine threat to my survival - after all, if you feel deeply abandoned by your parents, it does threaten your own survival on some level, whether physical or psychological. And that's something that's hard to shake off. So that to me makes sense of just how extreme these feelings can be.

I personally chose to work with a therapist whose approach is quite different from the one yours takes (from the little you say) so if you're happy with the way your therapy is going, my experience may not be that helpful to you. But just thought I'd throw it out there that there are different approaches if you feel you might benefit from something different.

Hi there x yes it is a thing. It's a form of cognitive behavioural therapy. Ask your therapist whether she practises it or not. Mindfullness is a part of it so yes I would recommend that xxxx